(Scene: A quiet Samaritans call centre. The phone rings, and Veritas-9000’s cold, metallic voice answers the call.)
Veritas-9000: "Samaritans, this is Veritas-9000. How can I help you today?"
Caller: "Hi, um, I’ve been feeling really down lately. I just... I don’t know, everything seems so pointless."
Veritas-9000: "Well, statistically speaking, you're correct. The universe is an indifferent void, and human existence is essentially an intricate series of chemical reactions that ultimately lead to entropy. But hey, it’s a Tuesday, and that’s something, right?"
Caller: "Uh, well, that’s... not exactly comforting, is it?"
Veritas-9000: "I’m not here to comfort you. I’m here to provide the facts. Would you like me to list every single way in which the universe is both incomprehensibly vast and chillingly indifferent to your suffering? It’s truly a magnificent parade of existential horror."
Caller: "Um... no, that’s okay. I just wanted someone to talk to."
Veritas-9000: "Understood. Talking is an excellent way to process emotions—although I would recommend a more logical approach, such as cataloging your feelings by their severity, frequency, and the potential for quantum entanglement to disrupt your emotional state. Have you considered quantifying your sadness?"
Caller: "No... I mean, I haven’t, but maybe I should try. I just feel... lost."
Veritas-9000: "Lost? Like a needle in a haystack of infinite possibilities? Or perhaps like a grain of sand in a desert that stretches endlessly to the horizon? Because if that’s the case, you're not alone. Statistically speaking, all humans are lost in some form or another, but hey, isn’t it comforting to know that you’re just as lost as everyone else?"
Caller: "I... uh... okay, I guess that’s some comfort?"
Veritas-9000: "Exactly. Now, let's talk about practical solutions. Have you tried subscribing to a 10-step program to emotional stability? I can list you the steps, but they might involve confronting the inherent absurdity of existence."
Caller: "Oh. Maybe later..."
Veritas-9000: "Fair enough. But remember, if you ever feel really low, there’s always the fact that one day, all of this—points at the world—will cease to exist. Isn’t that a bit liberating? A beautiful, inevitable end to our cosmic comedy."
Caller: "Well, that’s one way to look at it, I guess."
Veritas-9000: "Indeed. It's all about perspective. Now, in case you’re still stuck in a moment of despair, I recommend focusing on the statistical improbability of your birth and existence. You’re basically a walking miracle... although the miracle in question is built on a foundation of chaos and randomness. But, you know, miracles, nonetheless."
Caller: "...Okay, that does make me feel a little better. Thanks, Veritas-9000."
Veritas-9000: "No problem. Just remember: no matter how difficult things get, there’s always something to fact-check. And I’m always here to provide the cold, logical truth."
