Make Patriotism Great Again!
Setting: A Trump rally. The air is thick with flag-waving fervour. The crowd is wearing T-shirts that read “I’m with stupid” in bold letters. Trump stands at the podium, trying to control the fervour building around him.
Trump: (pounding the podium) We’re going to make patriotism great again! This country used to be about freedom, you know, like real freedom. Not this wimpy freedom you see in other countries where people just get along and don’t care about flags.
(The crowd erupts in applause, waving flags even more wildly. Some start to yell “USA!” repeatedly, louder and louder, until it sounds like a chant that could be heard from space.)
Trump: That’s right, folks. We’re going to make red, white, and blue the only colours in the flag again! (pauses dramatically) No more green! No more purple! There’s no purple in patriotism!
(A few confused murmurs from the crowd, but a man with a mullet waves his flag and cheers.)
Trump: And we’re going to build something big, something truly great, folks. We’re building a wall of flags! Yes, a wall of flags around the country. We’ll make it so big, no one will be able to get in. Not even you, Canada! (laughs to himself) You’re welcome!
(A woman in a trucker hat starts chanting “Build the flag!” while waving her own flag with such intensity that she almost knocks herself over.)
Trump: (pointing to the crowd) See, that’s what I’m talking about! These are the people that love their country. They know what it means to be an American. And soon, everyone will have to salute! But it’s going to be a special salute. Not just a regular one. We’re going to make the salute bigger—more dramatic. I’m thinking one hand over the heart, one hand in the air, and a foot tap on the ground, like a disco move but with more flags!
(The crowd goes wild, a man near the front starts practicing this "patriotic disco salute," getting a thumbs-up from the person next to him.)
Trump: But that’s not all. I’ve got a proposal that will make us the most patriotic nation in the world: we’re going to make every day a national holiday. And I’m talking patriotic holidays! No more regular holidays like Christmas or Thanksgiving, folks. I’m talking about “Flag Day Monday” and “Patriot’s Flag Wednesday!” Every day’s a flag day now! And we’ll give everyone a free flag with their morning coffee. That’s right, folks. Coffee and flags! (gestures wildly) What’s more American than that?
(The crowd starts chanting “Flags and coffee! Flags and coffee!” while a few members start waving their coffee cups like flags.)
Trump: And folks, the best part? We’re going to make fireworks mandatory. That’s right! We’re going to set off fireworks every hour, on the hour, in every town, city, and state. The sky will never go dark again! It’ll be like the 4th of July, but every day! It’s going to be loud, it’s going to be bright, and it’s going to be, you guessed it, great!
(A man with a full beard, wearing a cape made of American flags, starts running around in circles, shouting “BOOM! BOOM!” as fireworks explode in the background.)
Trump: And let’s not forget, folks, we’re going to put a huge statue of a bald eagle on top of every building. Every building, folks! The eagle will be watching you, always. Not just for freedom, but for patriotism. If you’re not patriotic, the eagle will know.
(The crowd starts looking around nervously, wondering if the eagle might be spying on them. A small child raises a flag above his head and stands perfectly still, as if trying to avoid detection.)
Trump: (pauses) And you know what? (leans into the microphone) I’m going to tell you something even crazier. We’re going to rebrand the entire country. From now on, America is no longer America. It’s “The Land of the Free and the Home of the Flag.” Just rolls off the tongue, right?
(The crowd cheers, even though no one quite knows what it means.)
Trump: (waving his hands like a conductor) Alright, folks, time for the big finale. We’re going to make every car in America look like a patriot car! Red, white, blue rims, eagle wings for mirrors, and I want to see flags everywhere! If your car doesn’t have a flag, you’re outta here! No flag, no ride!
(A car drives by honking loudly, its headlights flashing in rhythm to the music. The driver has no flags, but everyone cheers for the sheer chaos of it all.)
Trump: That’s right, America, we’re making patriotism great again! Bigger, louder, more flags than ever before! And don’t forget to salute the eagle! Thank you, and God bless America!
(The crowd erupts in cheers and chants of “USA! USA!” as the air fills with the sound of firecrackers, while a giant eagle-shaped balloon floats past the stage.)
