Donald Trump’s “Make Pineapple Pizza Great Again” Rally
Scene: An Italian-themed pizzeria decked out with red, white, and green balloons. A banner reading “Pineapple Belongs on Pizza—Bigly!” hangs above the stage, where Trump stands in front of an enormous pizza topped with pineapple slices arranged to spell “TRUMP.”
Trump:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we’re here tonight to talk about something very controversial, very divisive—maybe the most divisive topic in the world after CNN and wind turbines. That’s right, we’re talking about pineapple on pizza. And let me tell you, folks, pineapple pizza is tremendous. It’s classy, it’s sweet, it’s savoury—just like me!"
(The crowd cheers as waiters walk through the aisles handing out slices of pineapple pizza. Some people take a bite and reluctantly nod; others gag but cheer anyway.)
Trump:
"Now, some people—very bad people, folks—will tell you pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza. These are the same people who probably eat kale chips and think cauliflower crust is pizza. Losers. Total losers!"
(The crowd boos loudly. Someone throws a cauliflower crust onto the stage. Trump points at it and smirks.)
Trump:
"But we’re not going to let them tell us how to eat our pizza, are we? No! This is America! If we want pineapple on pizza, we’re going to have pineapple on pizza. And not just a little pineapple—big chunks. The best chunks. Hawaiian chunks. Because guess what? Pineapple pizza isn’t just food, folks—it’s freedom!"
(The crowd starts chanting, “Pineapple! Freedom! Pineapple! Freedom!”)
Trump:
"And let’s not forget who invented pineapple pizza. A Canadian! That’s right, folks, Canada! And do we let Canada beat us at anything? No! We’re taking pineapple pizza back and making it great again. It’s going to be so great that Italy will be jealous. They’ll say, ‘Please, Mr. Trump, bring pineapple to Rome.’ Believe me, they’re going to love it."
(A man in a chef’s hat yells, “Mamma mia!” and starts waving an Italian flag. The crowd cheers louder.)
Trump:
"Now, I know some people are saying, ‘Mr. Trump, pineapple on pizza is unnatural.’ But let me ask you this—is a taco salad in a bowl natural? No, but I made it famous. Is ketchup on steak natural? No, but it’s delicious. So why not pineapple on pizza? It’s art, folks. It’s culinary genius!"
(The audience nods, some hesitantly, others enthusiastically. A woman holds up a sign that says, “Pineapple Pizza = MAGA Pie.”)
Trump:
"Here’s my plan. We’re going to rebrand pineapple pizza. From now on, it’s not Hawaiian pizza. It’s Patriot Pizza. Because nothing says America like taking something from somewhere else and making it better!"
(The crowd erupts into cheers. A marching band begins playing the theme from Hawaii Five-O, while someone in a pineapple costume dances on stage.)
Trump:
"So, let’s stand together, folks. Let’s make pineapple pizza great again. Let’s make it the most ordered pizza in America. And to all the haters out there, I say this: if you don’t like pineapple on pizza, you probably don’t like America. Sad!"
(Trump takes a big bite of a pineapple pizza slice, giving a thumbs-up to the roaring crowd. Confetti shaped like tiny pizza slices rains down as the event ends with a rousing chorus of “God Bless the Pizza.”)
End scene.
