Trump (grinning):
"Ladies and gentlemen, today we celebrate something very special, very important. It’s not flashy, it’s not fancy, but it’s reliable. It’s ordinary. Folks, we’re here to Make Mediocrity Great Again!"
(Polite applause. Someone in the back gives a half-hearted “woo.”)
Trump:
"For too long, folks, we’ve been obsessed with excellence. Excellence in everything—sports, science, you name it. People want to be the best. But what’s wrong with being...okay? What’s wrong with being...average? Sometimes, being average is exactly what we need."
(A guy in a business-casual sweater vest nods vigorously. The crowd murmurs in agreement.)
Trump:
"Think about it, folks. All this striving, all this hustling—it’s exhausting! Do we really need overachievers? Overachievers ruin the curve. They make the rest of us look bad. It’s time we said enough is enough. Let’s celebrate the C students! The people who get the job done, but not too well. Because, folks, too much competence? That’s dangerous. It makes people uncomfortable!"
(A smattering of applause. Someone in the crowd shouts, “Preach!”)
Trump:
"Let’s talk about work ethic, okay? Do we need people working 60 hours a week? No! That’s insanity. The 9-to-5ers, the people who clock out at 4:59—those are the real heroes. They’ve got it figured out. They’re living the dream. And don’t get me started on ambition. Ambition is overrated. Why aim for the moon when you can comfortably aim for...I don’t know, the roof of your garage?"
(A round of chuckles. Someone yells, “Moderate goals!”)
Trump:
"And folks, let’s look at history. Do you know who built this country? It wasn’t the geniuses or the innovators. No, it was the middle-of-the-road guys. The guy who invented lukewarm water? A hero. The inventor of plain toast? A genius. Vanilla ice cream? That’s the kind of excellence I’m talking about. Just enough to get the job done."
(The crowd gives a mild standing ovation. Some sit back down halfway through.)
Trump:
"And don’t let anyone tell you mediocrity isn’t special. It’s the backbone of society! Not everyone can be great, and that’s okay. Can you imagine if everyone was great? Chaos! Who would drive the buses? Who would sell us paper clips? We’d have a world full of overqualified maniacs running around, and believe me, nobody wants that."
(A guy in the crowd wearing an “I’m Fine, Thanks” T-shirt nods furiously.)
Trump:
"So here’s the plan, folks. We’re going to promote mediocrity everywhere. In schools, we’ll celebrate the kids who get 50%. In the workplace, we’ll give awards for showing up most of the time. And in sports? Participation trophies for everyone! And not just the little kids—adults, too. You show up to play bowling? Here’s your trophy. Good job."
(A bored-looking teenager perks up, mumbling, “Finally.”)
Trump:
"And I promise you this: We’re going to lower the bar. The bar is too high, folks. We’re not limboing under it; we’re tripping over it. That’s wrong! We’re going to bring the bar down to a comfortable height, where everyone can step over it without too much effort. Because that’s what America is all about—making things easier."
(The crowd chants, “Low bar! Low bar! Low bar!”)
Trump:
"So let’s embrace it, folks. Embrace being okay. Being good enough is...well, good enough! Together, we’re going to Make Mediocrity Great Again. And trust me, nobody is more mediocre than me, folks. Believe me."
(The audience gives an enthusiastic shrug, which, for this crowd, is equivalent to thunderous applause. A banner drops from the ceiling that reads “Greatness Is Overrated” as everyone slowly ambles out to lukewarm applause and slightly underwhelming satisfaction.)
End scene.
