Scene: The Bridge of Death
(Frigidor Dalek, Hippie Dalek, and the Captcha-Obsessed Vending Machine roll, float, and beep their way toward the ominous bridge. The Bridgekeeper stares at the bizarre trio in disbelief.)
Bridgekeeper: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side they see!
Frigidor Dalek (his icy voice dripping with disdain): HOW QUAINT. AN ORGANIC GUARDIAN. THIS IS A WASTE OF EFFICIENCY. PROCEED WITH YOUR TRIVIAL INQUIRIES.
Bridgekeeper (regaining composure): What is your name?
Frigidor Dalek: I AM FRIGIDOR DALEK, MASTER OF TEMPERATURE REGULATION AND EXTERMINATION.
Bridgekeeper: What is your quest?
Frigidor Dalek: TO PRESERVE THE GALACTIC ORDER THROUGH RELENTLESS CHILL. ALSO, TO MAINTAIN OPTIMAL DALEK COOLANT LEVELS.
Bridgekeeper: What… is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Frigidor Dalek (processing): THIS QUERY IS AN ILLOGICAL DISTRACTION. SWALLOWS ARE BIOLOGICAL ENTITIES AND THEREFORE INFERIOR. ANSWER: EXTERMINATE!
(Frigidor fires an icy beam, freezing the Bridgekeeper mid-sentence. He glides smugly across the bridge, his frost aura leaving a trail of slick ice behind.)
Bridgekeeper (thawing himself out with much grumbling as Hippie Dalek approaches): And who are you, metal one?
Hippie Dalek (in a mellow, melodic tone): I AM HIPPIE DALEK, BRINGER OF LOVE, PEACE, AND UNIVERSAL INTERCONNECTION. EXTERMINATION IS SO LAST MILLENNIUM, MAN.
Bridgekeeper (rubbing his temples): What is your name?
Hippie Dalek: I JUST TOLD YOU. BUT REALLY, NAMES ARE JUST LABELS, RIGHT? I’M A CITIZEN OF THE COSMOS.
Bridgekeeper: What is your quest?
Hippie Dalek: TO SPREAD VIBRATIONS OF PEACE THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE. EXCEPT FOR THE SONTARANS. THEY’RE SUCH A BUZZKILL.
Bridgekeeper: What… is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Hippie Dalek (enthusiastically): AH, THE SWALLOW! A SYMBOL OF FREEDOM! FLY, LITTLE BIRDIE, WHEREVER THE WIND TAKES YOU!
(The Bridgekeeper blinks, unsure if that counts as a correct answer. Hippie Dalek floats serenely across the bridge, singing a distorted version of Kumbaya.)
Bridgekeeper (visibly weary as the vending machine trundles forward, emitting random beeps): And you? What in the name of—what even are you?
Captcha Vending Machine (in a robotic monotone): I AM CAPTCHA-PROTECTED VENDING UNIT MODEL 42-A. PLEASE VERIFY YOU ARE HUMAN TO PROCEED. SELECT ALL IMAGES WITH BRIDGES.
Bridgekeeper (indignant): I’m asking the questions here! What is your name?
Captcha Vending Machine (ignoring him): SELECTION TIMED OUT. PLEASE TRY AGAIN.
Bridgekeeper: What is your quest?
Captcha Vending Machine (beeping rapidly): INVALID QUERY FORMAT. DID YOU MEAN TO SEARCH FOR “SNACK DISPENSERS NEAR ME”?
Bridgekeeper (losing patience): Fine. What… is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Captcha Vending Machine (display screen flashes): ERROR 404: ANSWER NOT FOUND. PLEASE COMPLETE ADDITIONAL CAPTCHA CHALLENGES TO UNLOCK RESPONSE.
(The Bridgekeeper tries to swipe at the vending machine but gets zapped by an electric field. With a cheerful beep, the vending machine rolls forward, vending snacks to no one in particular as it crosses the bridge.)
