Scene: A dimly lit vegan café called "The Enlightened Bean." A group of woke hipsters—clad in oversized sweaters, ethically sourced berets, and ironic glasses—circle their quarry: Sebastian, the Wokest Hipster.
Lead Hipster (Juniper):
“Sebastian, we need to talk. Your actions... problematic much?”
Sebastian:
“Wait, what? I’m literally the wokest person in this café. I hosted the workshop on Intersectional Eco-Marxist Poetry just last week!”
Juniper:
“Yes, and it was fire. But then you ordered an oat milk latte... with a PLASTIC straw.”
A collective gasp echoes through the café. Someone drops their kombucha. A man-bun wilts in horror.
The Accusations Escalate
Hipster #1 (Aspen):
“You betrayed Mother Earth! Plastic straws are basically murder weapons for sea turtles!”
Hipster #2 (Willow):
*“And don’t think we didn’t notice you referred to her as ‘Mother’ Earth. Why the gender essentialism, bro?”
Sebastian:
“It’s a figure of speech! Besides, the straw was compostable!”
Juniper:
“Was it certified compostable by the Artisanal Biodegradable Collective? Or did you just assume?”
Sebastian:
“I... I didn’t check.”
A nearby hipster keels over, clutching their ethically sourced pearls.
The Petty Grievances Come Out
Willow:
“And what about that vintage jacket you wore last Tuesday? It had leather elbow patches. LEATHER, Sebastian. An animal DIED for your aesthetic.”
Sebastian:
“It was second-hand! Vintage! I was recycling!”
Juniper:
“Not good enough. You’re still perpetuating the visual language of oppression.”
Aspen:
“And let’s not forget: you liked a tweet by JK Rowling in 2016. We saw the receipts.”
Sebastian:
“It was a tweet about hedgehogs! I like hedgehogs!”
Juniper:
“Hedgehogs are complicit in colonial narratives. They were introduced to New Zealand by the British Empire, Sebastian. Do better.”
The Verdict
Juniper:
“We’ve deliberated, and we’ve decided: you’re officially cancelled.”
Sebastian:
“Cancelled? You can’t cancel me! I’m one of you!”
Aspen:
“Not anymore. Your Kombucha Privilege Card™ has been revoked. Effective immediately.”
Sebastian:
“You’re kicking me out of the café? Where will I go? Who will appreciate my spoken-word haikus about the patriarchy?”
Juniper:
“Try Starbucks.”
The Escape
Sebastian flees the café, tripping over a display of eco-friendly reusable tote bags. As the door slams shut, Juniper addresses the group.
Juniper:
“Let this be a reminder to us all: the revolution will not tolerate plastic straws, heteronormative metaphors, or hedgehog-based imperialism.”
A soft cheer ripples through the café. A barista plays the ukulele in triumph.
Epilogue: Sebastian’s Redemption
Months later, Sebastian returns under a new alias: “Basil.” He’s grown a full beard, learned to knit his own jumpers, and exclusively drinks foraged nettle tea.
Juniper (suspiciously):
“You look familiar... Do I know you?”
Basil:
“Uh, no. But I fully support reparations for hedgehogs.”
Juniper:
“Welcome back, comrade.”
The cycle begins anew.
