Sontar Bang: Loud, Proud, and Ready for War
If Dalek Inferno was pure sonic annihilation, Sontar Bang was structured, disciplined, and tactically flawless. Formed by defectors from the Sontaran military who discovered that rhythm could be weaponised, the band became the ultimate marching force in the Sontaran Rock Wars. Their motto? “Victory through Volume!”
Origins: Boot Camp to Boom Mic
The band was the brainchild of Commander Rokk, a war-hardened veteran who realized one day, mid-battle, that the sound of explosions had a sort of musicality to it. Seizing upon this revelation, he commandeered an entire Sontaran battalion and ordered them to form a band. The result was Sontar Bang, a relentless wall of percussion, war chants, and bagpipes so powerful they could kill a man at 50 paces.
Their first gig? A battlefront on Raxacoricofallapatorius. The audience? An entire enemy army. The response? Immediate surrender—except for one particularly stubborn platoon, who were promptly defeated when the band dropped The Thump of War, an 18-minute drum solo designed to simulate artillery strikes.
The Music: A Tactical Masterpiece
Unlike Dalek Inferno, whose approach to music was pure destruction, Sontar Bang believed in precision. Every song was a tactical exercise. Every drumbeat a formation. Every chorus a battle cry. Their most famous album, For Glory and a Three-Minute Guitar Solo, featured hits such as:
- "Bang to the Left, Flank to the Right" – A song so rhythmically strict that entire armies have unwittingly followed its commands.
- "War, Huh, What is it Good For? CONQUEST!" – A cover of Edwin Starr’s classic, but with more screaming.
- "Weakness is Treason (The Love Ballad)" – Their one and only attempt at a slow song, which was later banned for being “insufficiently aggressive.”
- "Drums of Victory, Bass of Honour" – The only song in history to require an entire battalion to play correctly.
The Greatest Rivalry: Sontar Bang vs. Dalek Inferno
There was inevitable conflict between the two titanic bands. Dalek Inferno saw Sontar Bang as “too organised” and “not nearly destructive enough.” Sontar Bang, meanwhile, dismissed Dalek Inferno as “a rabble of undisciplined war machines.”
Tensions escalated until the infamous "Battle of the Bands – Skaro Edition", where the two groups faced off in a sonic deathmatch. The result? A catastrophic time fracture, the destruction of three moons, and a tie on the judges’ scorecards. To this day, neither band acknowledges the outcome.
The Tragic End
Sontarans do not retire—they fall in battle. The final tour, The Last Stand, ended when the entire band charged headfirst into a black hole at the climax of their song "Never Retreat, Never Surrender, Never Stop Playing". Their last recorded words?
"SONTAR-HA! SONTAR-HA! SONTAR—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Legacy
To this day, the influence of Sontar Bang remains strong. Their music is still played in military academies across the galaxy. Their battle drums echo in the hearts of warriors. And their bagpipes, according to some unfortunate survivors, still haunt the void.
