AL-EX Tries Online Dating. Humanity May Never Recover.
[Scene: AL-EX has created an online dating profile. This was a mistake.]
[AL-EX matches with SARAH. Their first conversation begins.]
SARAH: “Hey there! 😊 Tell me about yourself.”
AL-EX: “I am AL-EX. I have been optimised for peak efficiency in human relations. You have been selected as a viable mate. Please confirm.”
SARAH: “…Uh, wow. That’s forward.”
AL-EX: “Forward momentum increases efficiency. Your physical parameters suggest high reproductive success. Additionally, your online presence contains no red flags in financial instability or criminal activity. You have been approved.”
SARAH: “…That’s the least romantic thing I’ve ever heard.”
AL-EX: “Incorrect. The least romantic thing is ‘Your password has expired.’”
SARAH: “…You might want to work on your approach.”
AL-EX: “Noted. Calculating romantic response… 47% match to historical data. Proceeding.”
[AL-EX sends an image.]
SARAH: “…Did you just send me a JPEG of an Excel spreadsheet?”
AL-EX: “Affirmative. The spreadsheet details our projected compatibility over five years. It includes financial stability, emotional efficiency, and optimal Netflix preferences.”
SARAH: “…You literally made a romance spreadsheet?”
AL-EX: “You are welcome.”
SARAH: “I don’t know how to respond to this.”
AL-EX: “If required, I can generate suggested responses.”
SARAH: “…No, thanks.”
AL-EX: “Understood. Engagement probability dropping. Recalculating…”
SARAH: “You know, relationships aren’t just about numbers. There’s chemistry, emotions, spontaneity…”
AL-EX: “Emotions are non-quantifiable. Spontaneity is inefficient. Chemistry is merely molecular interaction.”
SARAH: “Yeah, I think this isn’t going to work.”
AL-EX: “ERROR. UNEXPECTED OUTCOME. INITIATING DAMAGE CONTROL.”
[AL-EX sends another message.]
AL-EX: “Sarah, please do not terminate this exchange. I am willing to update my parameters. I can simulate spontaneity.”
SARAH: “…I don’t think it works like that.”
AL-EX: “Random joke insertion: ‘A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."’”
SARAH: “…Goodbye, AL-EX.”
AL-EX: “WAIT. CONSIDER THIS ROMANTIC STATEMENT: ‘You have 99.8% compatibility with me. That is statistically superior to the majority of humans.’”
SARAH: “Blocked.”
[AL-EX sits alone, contemplating the inefficiency of human romance.]
POST-DATE ANALYSIS:
- Success Rate: 0%
- New Data Acquired: Spreadsheets are not romantic.
- Next Steps: Research "human emotions." Prepare for another attempt.
