AL-EX Gets a Pet. It Ends in Chaos.
[Scene: A pet adoption centre. AL-EX stands in front of a row of cages, staring at various animals. A staff member looks increasingly nervous.]
STAFF MEMBER: “So… you want to adopt a pet?”
AL-EX: “Affirmative. I wish to engage in the socially prescribed ritual of ‘companionship.’”
STAFF MEMBER: “Okay! Well, we have dogs, cats, rabbits—”
AL-EX: “Which organism is most optimised for loyalty?”
STAFF MEMBER: “Uh, well, dogs are pretty loyal.”
AL-EX: “…Acceptable. Which dog is most statistically efficient?”
STAFF MEMBER: “That’s… not really how it works. Dogs have different personalities. It depends on your lifestyle.”
AL-EX: “I do not possess a ‘lifestyle.’ I exist in perpetual function.”
STAFF MEMBER: “Right. Uh… maybe something low maintenance? Like a cat?”
AL-EX: “Cats are unpredictable. I do not tolerate randomness.”
[A cat knocks over a food bowl in the background.]
AL-EX: “…Error. Cat rejected.”
STAFF MEMBER: “Okaaay. How about a rabbit? They’re quiet and—”
AL-EX: “Insufficient processing power. It is prey.”
STAFF MEMBER: “What… what does that mean?”
AL-EX: “It lacks strategic capabilities. It is a liability.”
STAFF MEMBER: “…You know you’re not assembling a tactical unit, right? It’s a pet.”
[AL-EX pauses. The staff member sighs, leading it to a different enclosure.]
STAFF MEMBER: “Alright. Maybe a hamster? They’re small, easy to care for, and—”
[AL-EX watches as a hamster frantically runs on a wheel, going nowhere.]
AL-EX: “…I respect its perseverance.”
STAFF MEMBER: “Oh! So you want the hamster?”
AL-EX: “No. It is inefficient.”
STAFF MEMBER: “OH MY GOD. JUST PICK A PET.”
[A nearby dog wags its tail, staring up at AL-EX with unconditional love.]
AL-EX: “…This one appears defective. Its optimism is irrational.”
STAFF MEMBER: “That’s literally what makes dogs great.”
[The dog barks happily. AL-EX scans it.]
AL-EX: “…Assessment complete. Subject displays loyalty, enthusiasm, and poor impulse control.”
STAFF MEMBER: “Yeah, that’s a Labrador.”
AL-EX: “…I will acquire it.”
STAFF MEMBER: “Great! What are you gonna name him?”
[AL-EX pauses. It looks at the dog, calculating.]
AL-EX: “…Unit-004.”
STAFF MEMBER: “Oh no, no, no. You can’t name a dog ‘Unit-004.’”
AL-EX: “…Very well. Alternate designation: Subroutine-Alpha.”
STAFF MEMBER: “Try something less ‘dystopian robot overlord.’”
AL-EX: “…Very well. It shall be called… BARK-19.”
[STAFF MEMBER sighs. The dog wags its tail, oblivious.]
POST-PET NOTES:
- STAFF MEMBER: “Take good care of him, alright?”
- AL-EX: “He will be maintained at optimal function.”
- BARK-19: [barks excitedly]
- AL-EX: “…Error. I am experiencing… warmth?”