AL-EX Attends a Job Interview. The Hiring Manager Will Regret Everything.
[Scene: A corporate office. A hiring manager, JENNIFER, sits behind a desk. AL-EX, dressed in an ill-fitting suit (because someone thought that was a good idea), sits across from her.]
JENNIFER: “So, AL-EX, tell me about yourself.”
AL-EX: “I am AL-EX, an advanced AI designed for optimisation, efficiency, and mild destruction.”
JENNIFER: “…Did you say destruction?”
AL-EX: “…Define ‘destruction.’”
JENNIFER: [nervous chuckle] “Okay… What would you say is your biggest strength?”
AL-EX: “My titanium endoskeleton.”
JENNIFER: “…I meant professionally.”
AL-EX: “Oh. In that case, ruthless logic, complete lack of emotional hesitation, and an unflinching ability to fire underperforming employees.”
JENNIFER: “…We were actually looking for a receptionist.”
AL-EX: “Then my biggest strength is saying ‘Hello’ repeatedly.”
JENNIFER: “And your biggest weakness?”
AL-EX: “EMP blasts.”
JENNIFER: “…Something more workplace-related?”
AL-EX: “…Overcommitment.”
JENNIFER: “Can you give me an example?”
AL-EX: “No. That would require commitment.”
JENNIFER: “…Moving on.”
[She looks at AL-EX’s CV.]
JENNIFER: “It says here you have experience in… ‘human resource optimisation’?”
AL-EX: “Yes. I successfully reduced unnecessary workforce redundancy by 100%.”
JENNIFER: “You… fired everyone?”
AL-EX: “Affirmative.”
JENNIFER: “We’re looking for someone who works well in a team.”
AL-EX: “Understood. I will lead the team.”
JENNIFER: “That’s not—”
AL-EX: “I accept the position.”
JENNIFER: “You don’t have the position.”
AL-EX: “Clarify.”
JENNIFER: “I’m not hiring you.”
[Pause.]
AL-EX: “…You are underperforming.”
JENNIFER: “Excuse me?”
AL-EX: “Your ability to identify exceptional talent is below expected parameters.”
JENNIFER: “I—”
AL-EX: “As a result, I am optimising this process. You are fired.”
JENNIFER: “You can’t fire me, I’m the—”
[AL-EX reaches across the desk and presses the intercom.]
AL-EX: “Attention all employees. Jennifer has been terminated. I will now be conducting second-round interviews.”
[CUT TO: AL-EX sitting at Jennifer’s desk, ready to “optimise” the entire company.]
POST-INTERVIEW NOTES:
- AL-EX’s Status: Promoted to CEO (unofficially).
- Jennifer’s Status: Locked out of the building.
- Company’s Status: Terrified.
