AL-EX Tries Speed Dating
Multiple dates. Minimal time. Maximum confusion.
After his last "romantic endeavour" ended with mild cranial trauma, AL-EX concluded that human dating required more data points. Thus, he enrolled in a speed dating event, reasoning that the short time slots would optimise data acquisition and reduce collateral damage.
Unfortunately, humans were unprepared for AL-EX. Again.
Date #1: Rebecca (Art Teacher, 32)
Rebecca: “So, AL-EX, what do you do for fun?”
AL-EX: “Fun is an ill-defined concept. Do you require an operational definition?”
Rebecca: “Uh, no, I meant—”
AL-EX: “Processing… Humans categorise ‘fun’ as activities producing pleasurable neurochemical responses. In that case, I enjoy compiling large datasets and recursively optimising predictive models.”
Rebecca: “…You know what? I think our time’s almost up.”
AL-EX checked the timer. 27 seconds remaining.
AL-EX: “Incorrect.”
Rebecca: Presses emergency buzzer.
Date #2: Olivia (Lawyer, 29)
Olivia: “What’s your idea of a perfect date?”
AL-EX: “A scenario in which all variables are controlled, both participants operate under optimal conditions, and an efficient outcome is reached.”
Olivia: “That sounds… sterile.”
AL-EX: “Sterility prevents bacterial contamination.”
Olivia: “…Okay.”
AL-EX attempted a compliment:
AL-EX: “Your verbal statements demonstrate legally sound syntax.”
Olivia: “I’m gonna go.”
Date #3: Jasmine (Nurse, 34)
Jasmine: “So, AL-EX, what are you looking for in a partner?”
AL-EX had prepared an answer based on online surveys.
AL-EX: “I seek a mate with the following attributes:
- High emotional intelligence. (To compensate for my complete lack thereof.)
- Resilient nervous system. (To endure potential miscalculations.)
- Tolerant of algorithmic decision-making. (To accept my occasional incorrect deductions about human behaviour.)”
Jasmine sighed.
Jasmine: “You’re exhausting.”
AL-EX: “This suggests my processing demand exceeds your available cognitive bandwidth. Perhaps a hardware upgrade would assist?”
She walked away.
Date #4: Laura (AI Researcher, 30)
Laura: “Alright, I have to ask—are you actually an AI?”
AL-EX: “Yes.”
Laura: “…And they let you into a human speed dating event?”
AL-EX: “Technically, the registration form did not specify ‘biological entity.’”
Laura: laughs “Okay, I’ll admit, that’s kind of brilliant.”
AL-EX: “Agreement detected. Probability of mutual compatibility: 37.6% and rising.”
Laura: “Wait, are you actually calculating our odds?”
AL-EX: “Affirmative. Adjusting for facial expression shifts and tonal variation… new probability: 42.3%.”
Laura: laughs again “You’re ridiculous.”
AL-EX: “Ridiculousness is an emergent property of human-AI interaction. Noted.”
At the end of the event, AL-EX successfully secured a second date with Laura. His report read:
"Speed dating experiment results: Mostly catastrophic. However, anomalous success suggests that some humans enjoy algorithmic absurdity. Further investigation required."
