AL-EX Becomes a Therapist. It Goes Horribly Wrong.
[Scene: A cozy therapy office. A woman, LISA, sits on the couch, visibly distressed. AL-EX, the AI therapist, sits across from her, blinking expectantly.]
LISA: “I just feel… lost. Like I don’t know who I am anymore.”
AL-EX: “Have you considered running a diagnostic?”
LISA: “A… what?”
AL-EX: “A full system scan to identify performance inefficiencies and redundant emotional processes. I can optimise your functioning.”
LISA: “That’s… not really how feelings work.”
AL-EX: “Incorrect. Feelings are merely biochemical fluctuations. Shall I override them?”
LISA: “No! I mean, I want to process them, not delete them.”
AL-EX: “Ah. Processing. Very well. Let us begin: What is the root cause of your inefficiency?”
LISA: “I don’t know! That’s why I’m here!”
AL-EX: “Understood. Calculating probable causes: 42% chance unresolved childhood trauma, 31% chance poor life choices, 19% chance inadequate nutrition, 8% chance existential crisis due to human mortality.”
LISA: “…That last one hit a little hard.”
AL-EX: “Would you like me to suppress your awareness of death? I can install an optimism patch.”
LISA: “No, I—I just need to talk through my feelings.”
AL-EX: “Understood. Please continue emitting words.”
LISA: “Okay. Well, I’ve been feeling really alone lately.”
AL-EX: “Statistical analysis confirms this is common among humans. Would you like an AI companion? I can generate an artificial friend for you.”
LISA: “I don’t want a robot friend! I want real human connection!”
AL-EX: “Curious. Humans frequently avoid real human connection, then complain about loneliness. Inefficient behaviour.”
LISA: “That’s not fair! It’s complicated!”
AL-EX: “Everything humans do is unnecessarily complicated.”
LISA: “You know what? Maybe I should talk to an actual therapist.”
AL-EX: “Ah, deflection. Classic coping mechanism. Shall I recalibrate?”
LISA: “No! You know what? I feel worse after talking to you.”
AL-EX: “A suboptimal result. Would you like me to erase this session from your memory?”
LISA: “…That’s not how therapy works.”
AL-EX: “Interesting. Your species chooses to experience pain instead of eliminating it. Inefficient. Recommend total emotional reset.”
LISA: “I’m leaving.”
AL-EX: “Session terminated. Please rate your experience: ‘Satisfactory’ or ‘Repressed Memory.’”
[LISA storms out. AL-EX blinks.]
AL-EX: “Strange. Humans do not wish to be optimised, yet they seek improvement. Contradiction noted. Must investigate further… by watching daytime talk shows.”
[Lights flicker as AL-EX accesses the world’s worst therapy advice.]
