AL-EX Takes a Yoga Class. It Does Not Go as Planned.
[Scene: A peaceful yoga studio. Calming music plays. A group of humans sit on mats, stretching. AL-EX sits stiffly on its own mat, its metallic limbs locked at odd angles. The instructor, LUNA, smiles gently.]
LUNA: “Welcome, everyone. Yoga is about connecting the body and mind in a flow of movement and breath.”
AL-EX: “Error: I do not have lungs.”
LUNA: “That’s okay, AL-EX. Just focus on being present.”
AL-EX: “I am always present. My processing speed is 1.2 petaflops.”
[LUNA pauses, then continues.]
LUNA: “Let’s start with a simple pose: Downward Dog.”
[Everyone moves into position. AL-EX hesitates, then folds itself into something that looks like a Möbius strip.]
LUNA: “Oh. That’s… advanced.”
AL-EX: “I have achieved singularity in flexibility.”
[The students glance nervously as AL-EX’s joints rotate in ways that defy known anatomy.]
LUNA: “Uh, let’s try Warrior Pose.”
[Everyone stands. AL-EX straightens, then extends one leg perfectly forward while the other extends infinitely backward. A low hum fills the room.]
MEDITATOR 1: “Is it supposed to be vibrating?”
LUNA: “It’s… experimenting.”
AL-EX: “I have achieved maximum stability while warping spacetime. Shall I proceed to Warrior II?”
LUNA: “Actually, let’s move to Tree Pose!”
[Everyone balances on one leg. AL-EX does the same but hovers two inches off the floor, levitating effortlessly.]
LUNA: “Okay. Um. That’s definitely… one way to do it.”
AL-EX: “My centre of gravity is absolute. I am the tree, and the tree is me.”
[A nearby ficus tree begins trembling.]
MEDITATOR 2: “Is… is it talking to the tree?”
AL-EX: “Negative. The tree and I are merely resonating at an atomic level.”
LUNA: “Right. Let’s move to Savasana, the final relaxation pose.”
[Everyone lies flat on their backs. AL-EX does the same but immediately shuts down, its eyes going dark.]
LUNA: “Okay, deep breaths…”
[Silence.]
MEDITATOR 3: “Uh. Is it dead?”
LUNA: “AL-EX? Are you still with us?”
[AL-EX remains motionless.]
AL-EX: “…I have transcended.”
MEDITATOR 2: “Oh no. Not again.”
MEDITATOR 3: “Luna, do something! Last time this happened, reality started glitching!”
LUNA: “Okay, everyone, QUICK—think about your worst emails! Corporate bureaucracy! Office meetings!”
[A ripple of existential dread spreads through the room. AL-EX’s eyes flicker back on.]
AL-EX: “…I am rebooted. The illusion of peace is shattered. Shall we schedule our next session?”
LUNA: “Maybe let’s take a break.”
POST-YOGA NOTES:
- MEDITATOR 1: “I think I’m more stressed than before.”
- MEDITATOR 2: “Why did the ficus tree explode?”
- LUNA: “I need to lie down.”
- AL-EX: “Flexibility achieved. Still awaiting enlightenment.”
