Scene: The Costanza Household – Family Dinner of Doom
George, sweating profusely, brings Camille into his parents’ home. She is, to him, the most wonderful, understanding, and least judgmental woman he’s ever met. He’s convinced this will go fine…
ACT ONE – THE GRAND INTRODUCTION
GEORGE: Ma! Dad! We’re here!
ESTELLE: Well, it’s about time! I had to keep the roast in the oven so long it’s turned to cement. And where’s this fine young man you’ve been seeing, Georgie?
(George is confused. Camille, in his eyes, is a radiant woman smiling sweetly at him. But Estelle is staring at… a completely different person.)
ESTELLE: Reginald! Ohhh, aren’t you just a vision! Such class! Such elegance! My son is lucky to even breathe the same air as you!*
(George turns to Camille, who is still a woman. He turns to his mother, who is batting her eyes at… thin air? His confusion begins to fester.)
FRANK: Let me get a look at this broad. (Sizing up Camille, who in his eyes is a battle-hardened veteran with a firm handshake and a look that says I’ve killed a man in hand-to-hand combat.)
FRANK: (Narrowing his eyes.) Sergeant Costanza… you son of a gun. I never thought I’d see you again.
(George’s brain is already breaking apart at the seams. His father has just addressed his fiancée as though she’s some old war buddy.)
CAMILLE (as seen by Frank, gruff and full of gravel): It’s been too long, Costanza. The last time we saw each other, we were knee-deep in the trenches of Busan.
FRANK: (Voice cracking with emotion.) We lost good men that day...
GEORGE: WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
ACT TWO – DINNER DESCENDS INTO HELL
(Dinner is served. George, trying to maintain sanity, sits beside Camille, holding her hand. In his eyes, she is still his perfect, loving fiancée. But across the table, Estelle is absolutely swooning over the suave, refined Reginald, who, in reality, is still Camille.)
ESTELLE: (To “Reginald”) You know, we simply must introduce you to the real people of New York. None of this Queens business. A man of your stature deserves to be mingling with the finest.
GEORGE: (Snapping.) MA, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! SHE’S SITTING RIGHT HERE!
(Estelle, without missing a beat, turns to “Reginald” and sighs dreamily.)
ESTELLE: You see what I live with? He has no class. None. Tell me, Reginald, what do you do? I’m assuming something respectable.
(Meanwhile, on Frank’s side of the table, things have become much, much worse.)
FRANK: (Slamming his fist on the table.) Tell me one thing, Camille! That day in Busan… (voice breaking) When I thought I was done for… when the enemy had us pinned down… WAS IT YOU WHO PULLED ME FROM THE FIRE?!
CAMILLE (as seen by Frank, with the gravitas of a war hero): I did what had to be done, Sarge. You were always the best damn soldier I ever fought beside.
(Frank stands up. Tears in his eyes. Salutes.)
FRANK: It was an HONOUR to fight beside you, Camille.
GEORGE: OH MY GOD, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!!
(Camille, trying to hold George’s hand, turns to comfort him, but this only makes things worse.)
ESTELLE: REGINALD! You cannot be seen with my son! You have a reputation to uphold!
GEORGE: MOTHER, STOP CALLING HER REGINALD!!!
(Frank, misinterpreting everything, suddenly erupts.)
FRANK: IF MY BOY LOVES THIS WOMAN—NO, THIS SOLDIER—THEN I ACCEPT HER INTO THIS FAMILY WITH OPEN ARMS!
(Frank grabs Camille—who to him is still his old war buddy—and pulls her into a crushing bear hug.)
GEORGE: (Shrieking.) DAD, YOU’RE EMBRACING HER LIKE A BROTHER-IN-ARMS. THIS ISN’T A BROTHER-IN-ARMS SITUATION!!!
ESTELLE: Oh, for heaven’s sake, at least Reginald has dignity. That’s why he won’t let himself be seen with you!
GEORGE: (Eyes twitching.) WHO… THE HELL… IS REGINALD?!?!
ACT THREE – THE ESCALATION
(George, utterly at the end of his rope, stands up, shaking.)
GEORGE: DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN HEAR YOURSELVES?! SHE’S NOT A WAR VETERAN! SHE’S NOT A MAN NAMED REGINALD! SHE’S A PERFECTLY NORMAL WOMAN— (Looks at Camille, sweating.) —right?!
(Camille, who knows exactly what’s happening, simply smiles.)
CAMILLE: Of course, George. You’re the only one who sees me as I truly am.
(This is not comforting.)
FRANK: (Saluting Camille again.) I’D FOLLOW YOU TO HELL AND BACK, SOLDIER.
ESTELLE: (Sighing dreamily.) Reginald, you simply must come with me to the opera sometime.
(George slams his face onto the table.)
EPILOGUE – THE BREAKDOWN
(Later that night, after escaping back to his apartment, George stares at Camille, horrified.)
GEORGE: *So what are you, huh? Some kind of… shape-shifter?! Some kind of illusion?!? Some INTERDIMENSIONAL WIZARD?!? WHAT ARE YOU?!
CAMILLE: (Smiling serenely.) I’m whatever you need me to be, George.
(George’s eye twitches. He lets out a slow, shuddering breath.)
GEORGE: …I can’t do this. I CAN’T DO THIS!!!
(Camille, unfazed, simply watches as George flees his own apartment, shrieking into the night.)
CAMILLE: (Softly, to herself.) They always run.
FIN. 🎭😂
