Title: "St. George’s Petting Zoo"
(A bright, cheerful petting zoo. Children laugh. Goats bleat. A medieval St. George, still in full armour, stands at the entrance, looking very tired.)
[Customer approaches the booth.]
🧍♂️ Customer: "Hi, my kid is really excited to pet the dragon!"
⚔️ St. George (deadpan, staring into the distance):
"Yes, we had a dragon. No, it is no longer available for petting."
🧍♂️ Customer: "Oh… uh… what happened to it?"
⚔️ St. George (sighs, looks away dramatically):
"What always happens when a knight and a dragon meet, sir?"
🧍♂️ Customer: "You— you slayed it?"
⚔️ St. George (pained expression):
"It was a regrettable incident. There was… a misunderstanding."
👦 Customer’s Child: "Mummy, where’s the dragon?"
⚔️ St. George (kneels to child’s level, intense whisper):
"With the saints now, child."
👦 Customer’s Child: (bursts into tears)
🧍♂️ Customer: "Oh my god. Couldn’t you have just—not killed it?"
⚔️ St. George (exasperated):
*"Do you know how hard it is to undo centuries of knee-jerk dragon-slaying instinct? I see a large, winged reptile, I don’t think— I react!"
🧍♂️ Customer: "You reacted the poor thing to death?"
⚔️ St. George (muttering):
"It breathed fire first."
👦 Customer’s Child: "But Fluffers breathed fire when we petted him!"
⚔️ St. George (grimaces, pulls out a scorched ‘Employee of the Month’ certificate):
"Yes. Fluffers was very… affectionate."
🧍♂️ Customer: "So, what’s left to pet?"
⚔️ St. George (gestures to a nearby pen):
"Goats. We have goats. Would you like to pet a goat?"
👦 Customer’s Child: "I wanted a dragon!"
⚔️ St. George (muttering):
"So did the princess, and look how that turned out."
👩🌾 Zoo Manager (offscreen): "George! Stop traumatising the guests and go feed the unicorns!"
⚔️ St. George (sighs, grabs a bucket of oats, trudges off):
"Don’t worry. I’ve been working on my self-restraint. No accidents this time."
🪧 [Loud voice from outside the petting zoo gate]:
"JUSTICE FOR FLUFFERS!"
🔥 [Cut to a group of angry activists waving signs. One has a megaphone.]
🪧 Dragon Rights Activist #1 (chanting):
"WHOSE SCALES? FLUFFERS’ SCALES!"
🪧 Dragon Rights Activist #2 (waving sign: “HUMANS = THE REAL MONSTERS”):
"GEORGE, YOU’RE A MURDERER!"
🪧 Dragon Rights Activist #3 (screaming into megaphone):
"HIS NAME WAS FLUFFERS, YOU MEDIEVAL PSYCHOPATH!"
⚔️ St. George (sighs, rubs temples):
"I swear by all that is holy, this is getting ridiculous."
🧍♂️ Customer: "Yeah, I’m starting to think they might have a point."
⚔️ St. George (defensive):
"IT BREATHED FIRE FIRST!"
📢 Zoo Manager (over loudspeaker):
"George, we’ve been over this—stop debating the activists! We still haven’t recovered from the Centaur Incident!"
⚔️ St. George (throws arms up):
"That was self-defence! He insulted my horse!"
(Now, a nosy journalist from the Ye Olde Times has arrived, determined to get the real story.)
📜 [Journalist flips through notes, adjusting their quill.]
📰 Journalist:
"Sir George, before we continue, I need to ask about a rather disturbing event in your employment history."
⚔️ St. George (groaning):
"Oh, for the love of—not this again."
📰 Journalist:
"The Centaur Incident."
⚔️ St. George (crosses arms, scowling):
"I swear it was a misunderstanding."
📰 Journalist (reading dramatically from parchment):
*"‘Knight assaults petting zoo employee in tragic sword-related mishap.’"
"‘Shocking equine profiling rocks local attraction.’"
"‘Survivor of brutal slaying speaks out: “My lower half was a horse, not a threat.”’"
⚔️ St. George (defensive):
"Okay, first of all, he lived."
📰 Journalist:
"Yes, but did he forgive?"
⚔️ St. George (muttering):
"He’s a bit bitter."
[A loud CLIP-CLOP approaches.]
🐎 Centaur (entering, fuming, with a legal document in hand):
"BITTER?! You stabbed me, George!"
⚔️ St. George (exasperated):
"I thought you were a monster!"
🐎 Centaur (mocking):
"Ohhh, you ‘thought’—I’m sorry, was the waistcoat not a giveaway? Maybe the clipboard? The employee badge?!"
📰 Journalist (scribbling):
"So, to clarify, you attacked him while he was at work?"
🐎 Centaur (gritting teeth):
"I WAS TAKING TICKETS AT THE ENTRANCE, GEORGE."
⚔️ St. George (defensive):
"Look, you have to understand! I’ve spent my whole life fighting things that are part-human, part-animal. I saw you, and instinct took over!"
🐎 Centaur (sarcastic):
"Well, next time, maybe hesitate before impaling the guy giving out wristbands!"
⚔️ St. George (grumbling):
"At least I didn’t kill you…"
🐎 Centaur (slamming the lawsuit on the table):
"Yeah? Tell that to my medical bills!"
📰 Journalist (raising quill):
"So just to confirm, are you filing for assault, workplace endangerment, or species-based discrimination?"
🐎 Centaur:
"ALL OF THE ABOVE."
📢 Zoo Manager (over loudspeaker, panicked):
"GEORGE, IF YOU EVEN LOOK AT THE UNICORNS, YOU’RE FIRED!"
⚔️ St. George (muttering, rubbing temples):
"I need a new job…"
(After the Centaur Incident lawsuit, the zoo gives George one last shot—handling the mermaid exhibit. Surely, nothing can go wrong… right? 😏)
🌊 [Scene opens: St. George stands by a large tank. A crowd of visitors watches expectantly.]
🎤 Zoo Announcer (cheerfully over PA system):
"And now, Sir George will demonstrate safe mermaid handling!"
⚔️ St. George (muttering, gripping net nervously):
"Safe. Safe mermaid handling. Sure. Because that’s a thing."
👩👦 Curious Child (pointing at tank):
"Is it true mermaids are beautiful, magical creatures?"
⚔️ St. George (tense, gripping sword hilt out of habit):
"Yeah. That’s one way to put it."
👩👦 Curious Child:
"What do you mean?"
⚔️ St. George (grim):
"You ever seen a sailor disappear?"
🎤 Zoo Announcer (nervously whispering over PA system):
"George, remember the script, please."
⚔️ St. George (forcing a grin, reading off cue card):
"Mermaids are... fascinating... aquatic friends... who—"
💦 [A splash from the tank interrupts him. A mermaid surfaces, flipping her hair dramatically.]
🧜♀️ Mermaid (deadpan, unimpressed):
"Oh. It’s you."
⚔️ St. George (blinking, confused):
"Uh... do we know each other?"
🧜♀️ Mermaid (crossing arms, glaring):
"Maybe you don’t remember, but a few centuries ago, you killed my cousin."
⚔️ St. George (groaning, rubbing temples):
"Oh, come on. I’ve slain a lot of things. You’ll have to be more specific."
🧜♀️ Mermaid (furious, gesturing at tankmate):
"Nessie, show him the painting!"
🐉 Loch Ness Monster (holding up crude medieval tapestry):
"This you, bro?"
⚔️ St. George (squinting at tapestry, horrified):
"Oh… oh, wow. That is—okay, that does look like me."
🧜♀️ Mermaid (hissing):
"IT IS YOU!"
🐉 Loch Ness Monster (shaking head):
"Man, you got beef with literally every mythical creature."
⚔️ St. George (defensive):
"Okay, but in my defence—"
🧜♀️ Mermaid (shouting over him):
"HE WASN’T EVEN A THREAT! JUST A SEXY FISH DUDE MINDING HIS BUSINESS!"
👩👦 Curious Child (whispering to mum):
"Mummy, what’s a sexy fish dude?"
🎤 Zoo Announcer (in full panic mode):
"MOVING ON! MOVING ON! MOVING ON!"
⚔️ St. George (exasperated, turning to mermaid):
"Okay, fine. I may have… slain a few merfolk. But it was business! Nothing personal!"
🧜♀️ Mermaid (raising eyebrow):
"Oh yeah? Well, this is personal now."
💦 [The mermaids whistle. Suddenly, water surges from the tank, forming a sentient tidal wave.]
⚔️ St. George (eyes widening, realising he’s about to be drowned on dry land):
"Oh, you’ve got to be kiddi—"
💦 [The wave engulfs St. George. The crowd gasps. Silence.]
👩👦 Curious Child (wide-eyed):
"Did… did they just take him?"
🐉 Loch Ness Monster (grinning, watching George’s flailing body disappear into the water):
"Aye. He’s seafood now."
👩👦 Curious Child:
"Cool."
🎤 Zoo Announcer (sighing, defeated over PA system):
"…Ladies and gentlemen, we regret to inform you that St. George is now part of the exhibit."
🐉 Loch Ness Monster (laughing, slapping tail on water):
"Welcome to the REAL petting zoo, buddy!"
⚔️ St. George (muffled underwater screams)
[END SCENE]
