The setting: A small studio with a minimalist backdrop. Cathy sits at a sleek, modern desk, utterly unamused. Across from her, three guests fidget in their seats: a Flat-Earther, a Moon-Landing Denier Dalek, and a man in a trench coat and sunglasses who insists birds aren’t real. The tension is thick with barely contained delusion.
Cathy: [Sips coffee, exhales slowly] Right. Welcome to the programme. Tonight, we’ll be discussing some of the most fringe theories that exist, with three individuals who are, shall we say, confidently incorrect. Let’s start with you, Barry. You believe the Earth is flat. Why?
Barry the Flat-Earther: [Leaning forward intensely] It’s simple, Cathy. Water finds its level. You ever seen a curve in a puddle? No. Because it doesn’t exist. The Earth is a plane, not a planet. NASA has been LYING to you!
Cathy: [Deadpan] Right. And what do you say to the overwhelming scientific consensus, satellite imagery, and, you know, basic physics?
Barry: [Scoffing] Physics? You mean “science,” the religion of the elite? Nah. I trust my own eyes. And my eyes tell me the horizon is FLAT.
Dalek: [Eyestalk twitches] THE MOON LANDING WAS FILMED IN A HOTEL ROOM! IN LAS VEGAS! NASA CREATED THE ILLUSION OF SPACE TO CONTROL THE HUMAN POPULATION!
Cathy: [Sighs, rubs temples] Alright, Dalek. Let’s assume, for a moment, that the moon landing was faked. Why? What possible reason would NASA have to stage such an elaborate hoax?
Dalek: [Sputtering] TO ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER THE SOVIETS! TO JUSTIFY TAXATION! TO MAKE HUMANS BELIEVE IN SPACE WHEN SPACE IS A LIE!
Barry: [Nodding vigorously] Exactly! Space is just a big projection on the firmament. Like a giant IMAX movie!
Cathy: [Blinking slowly] So let me get this straight. NASA faked space to justify taxation?
Dalek: [Glowing red] YES! THE MOON DOES NOT EXIST! IT IS A HOLOGRAM! [Pauses, as if considering something deep] OR POSSIBLY MADE OF JELLO!
Barry: [Excitedly] I KNEW IT!
Cathy: [Looks directly into the camera, as if pleading for help] Right. Moving on. Derek, you claim that birds aren’t real. What exactly are they, then?
Derek the Bird Truther: [Adjusting his sunglasses, whispering] Government drones. Every last one of them.
Cathy: [Leaning back, gesturing vaguely] All birds?
Derek: [Nods solemnly] Every single one. Replaced in the 1950s by robotic surveillance devices. Have you ever seen a baby pigeon, Cathy? No? That’s because they don’t exist.
Barry: [Claps hands] Finally, someone gets it!
Cathy: [Pinches the bridge of her nose] Derek, birds migrate thousands of miles. Are you saying the government is funding intercontinental drone flights purely to keep up the illusion that sparrows exist?
Derek: [Whispering] Yes. The oil companies fund it. That’s why petrol is so expensive. You think it’s for cars? No. It’s for recharging the birds.
Dalek: [Suddenly screaming] BIRDS ARE A LIE! THE MOON IS A LIE! THE EARTH IS A LIE! EVERYTHING IS A LIE! EXTERMINATE IGNORANCE!!!
Cathy: [Turning to camera] There you have it, folks. The Earth is flat, the moon is a hotel room, and pigeons are government spies. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lie down in a dark room and contemplate my life choices.
Fade to black.
