Scene: The Flat Fellowship Embarks
Sandra “Lava Logic” Greene, self-proclaimed leader of the Frying Pan Truthers, gathers her loyal followers in a parking lot behind the community hall. They’re armed with clipboards, kitchen thermometers, and a single rusty frying pan they call The Pan of Truth.
Sandra:
“Brothers and sisters, our work begins today. The others can argue about domes and spirals, but we know the truth. Heaven is the glass ceiling, Hell is the frying pan below, and Earth is just... the egg being fried in between! Now let’s prove it!”
The group cheers.
Barry “Flat Fundamentalist” Thompson (now her second-in-command):
“Sandra, where do we start? Science museums? Volcanoes?”
Sandra (dramatically):
“No, Barry. We start at the one place where the divine truth always reveals itself: IHOP. The International House of Pancakes.”
The group exchanges solemn nods and piles into a van with “Flat Fellowship: Hell Is a Frying Pan” spray-painted on the side.
Scene: IHOP, the Pilgrimage Begins
Inside the restaurant, Sandra lays out a map of the local area while the group devours stacks of pancakes. She points to a spot circled in red.
Sandra:
“This is where we’ll find our first clue: the Lava Griddle Diner. It’s built on top of an ancient volcanic vent. If we can prove that lava flows flat under Earth’s surface, we’ll have undeniable evidence that Hell is a frying pan!”
Barry:
“Brilliant! But what about Heaven?”
Sandra holds up a syrup bottle, tilting it so a droplet clings precariously to the edge.
Sandra:
“Look at this syrup. It’s flat... but it clings to the underside of the bottle, just like Heaven clings to the dome above us. Proof is everywhere if you know where to look.”
Barry gasps, moved to tears. “Sandra, you’re a genius.”
Scene: At the Lava Griddle Diner
The group arrives at the diner, where a grumpy manager reluctantly lets them inspect the kitchen. Sandra dramatically holds her frying pan over the griddle, which is sizzling with bacon.
Sandra:
“Feel the heat, friends! This is what Hell must feel like—flat, scorching, and smelling faintly of pork. Barry, take a temperature reading!”
Barry fumbles with the kitchen thermometer, then triumphantly announces:
Barry:
“It’s 375 degrees Fahrenheit! That’s clearly Hell’s operating temperature!”
Sandra:
“I knew it! And look—this griddle is perfectly flat. If lava flows were curved, the pancakes wouldn’t cook evenly. This proves it—Hell is flat!”
Scene: A Flat Revelation
As the group celebrates, an exhausted waitress overhears them. She approaches with a weary expression.
Waitress:
“Y’all know that griddle’s flat because we cleaned it last night, right? Nothing to do with Hell.”
The group freezes, their faith shaken. Sandra clutches The Pan of Truth tightly.
Sandra:
“Don’t you see? The fact that humans clean griddles is further proof. We’ve been trying to erase Hell’s truth for centuries! This is divine confirmation!”
The group erupts into applause, convinced they’ve unlocked the ultimate cosmic secret.
The waitress mutters, “I’m switching to night shifts,” and walks off.
Scene: Back at the Community Hall
Sandra and her group return triumphantly to the Flat Earth Society meeting, carrying their frying pan and their "data." They interrupt Terry Flatman mid-speech.
Sandra (holding up the frying pan):
“Fellow truth-seekers, we’ve done it! We’ve proven Hell is flat and operates at 375 degrees Fahrenheit! And Heaven? It’s flat too, just like syrup on pancakes!”
The room falls silent. Then Reginald “Sky Investigator” Peabody rises, stroking his chin.
Reginald:
“This is... compelling. But what about waffles?”
Chaos breaks out again as factions split over whether waffles disprove the frying pan theory. Sandra smiles serenely, whispering to Barry:
Sandra:
“They’re not ready for the truth yet... but we’ll keep fighting for flat enlightenment.”
