Cathy: (deadpan) "Today, I'm joined by someone who believes that mattress stores are, in fact, a front for something far more sinister. Welcome, and thank you for coming, um, Mister…?"
Mattress Store Conspiracy Theorist: "Uh, it's actually Dr. Mattressburg, and I’ve been researching this for over 15 years. What most people don’t realise is that mattress stores are hiding the truth—no one needs that many mattresses. They're a front for a vast network of shadowy figures who are manipulating society, and—"
Cathy: (interrupting) "Okay, so, let me get this straight: If I buy a mattress, I’m unknowingly supporting a global conspiracy? Am I, like, a sleeper agent now? Do I get a secret handshake, or…?"
Mattress Store Conspiracy Theorist: "Well, it’s more subtle than that—"
Cathy: (incredulous) "Subtle? You’ve got thousands of mattress stores, and I’ve never been offered a single free pillow. The whole thing’s more like a mattress empire, if you ask me."
Cathy: (scribbling notes) "Right, so your theory is that mattress stores are actually a massive global conspiracy. But let me ask you—if they’re really hiding something so massive, why so many stores? Why not, like, one or two highly-guarded secret locations? Wouldn’t that be… more secretive?"
Mattress Store Conspiracy Theorist: "Ah, but that’s exactly the point! They’re hiding in plain sight. You see, the proliferation of mattress stores is a form of psychological warfare. They’re conditioning us to ignore the sheer volume of mattresses being sold, but the real question is: why does anyone need a new mattress every five years?"
Cathy: (feigning shock) "Oh, so it’s all about the mattresses themselves. I thought maybe the 'mattress people' were just sleeping on the job, so to speak. But now you’re telling me I’ve been subconsciously brainwashed into thinking I need a new mattress every decade or so?" (leaning in, conspiratorially) "Is there a mattress-induced hypnosis at play here, Dr. Mattressburg? Should I be worried about my dreams being controlled?"
Mattress Store Conspiracy Theorist: "Well, yes, exactly! You see, the mass production of mattresses is linked to a covert operation known as 'The Sleep Agenda.' The more mattresses people buy, the less likely they are to notice—"
Cathy: (cutting in, staring deadpan) "Wait, wait. So, what you’re saying is… if I buy a mattress, I might accidentally join a secret society? You know, I always thought the worst thing about mattress shopping was trying to decide if ‘firm’ actually means ‘really hard’ or ‘slightly less soft.’ Now, it sounds like I’m being recruited by some shadowy network. That’s the real 'memory foam,' isn’t it?"
Mattress Store Conspiracy Theorist: "Exactly! You’ve hit the nail on the head!"
Cathy: (unimpressed) "I can’t believe I’ve been walking into stores full of 'secret agents' disguised as mattress salespeople. I’ll bet you that one time I asked for the ‘most popular’ mattress, it was code for 'join our sleeper cell.' How do they even manage to keep such a massive operation under wraps? I mean, I can barely keep track of my shopping list."
Mattress Store Conspiracy Theorist: "It’s all part of the mind control tactics, Cathy. You don’t need to know how it works. They’ve already infiltrated your mind."
Cathy: (nodding sagely, writing something down) "Uh-huh. Right. And here I was thinking I was just getting a good night’s sleep." (pauses, looks at the camera) "I guess we’ll just have to keep checking under our beds for mattress spies. Thanks for that, Dr. Mattressburg. You’ve really opened my eyes to the dangers of luxury sleep surfaces."
