Setting: A small, cluttered room with mismatched chairs around a round table. Various conspiracy books, strange artefacts (like a model of a hollow earth), and half-empty mugs of coffee are scattered about. Cathy sits at the head of the table, poised with her clipboard. The "experts" are in place, ready to argue their absurd views.
Cathy: (addressing the camera)
“Welcome to another episode of Exposing Absurdity—where we pull back the curtain on the world’s greatest thinkers... and show them for the charlatans they are. Today, we're diving into the strange world of rhizomatic conspiracies, or as I like to call it, ‘A great big mess of nonsense.’ Let’s meet our experts."
(Cathy gestures to the first "expert," who’s rambling about time cubes.)
The Time Cube Enthusiast:
"Listen, Cathy. Listen. There are four simultaneous days happening right now. It’s a fact, alright? The moon, it’s not just glowing—it’s… it’s absorbing the sun’s rays, channeling them into the quantum timezones! We’re living in the wrong time entirely, we need to get with the four days, or we’ll never experience reality properly!"
Cathy:
"So, we’re running on four days? Right. And what’s the moon got to do with it?"
The Hollow Earth Theorist:
"Ah, well, Cathy, it’s simple. The moon, right? It’s connected to the hollow earth! There’s a massive civilisation underneath us—aliens, humans, maybe even dinosaurs—and they’ve been living there for thousands of years. They use the moon to send signals, you know, to us. It’s all tied together!"
Cathy: (raising an eyebrow)
"Wait, wait—dinosaurs? And aliens? Right. So, what—these aliens are also secretly living inside the earth, sending us signals through the moon?"
The Time Cube Enthusiast: (shouting)
"No, no, no! You’re missing the point! The moon IS the time cube! It’s the fourth day—you just don’t understand. Time is a sphere!"
Cathy: (nodding slowly)
"Right, the moon’s a time cube now. Got it. But, can we get back to these dinosaurs?"
The Mattress Store Conspiracy Theorist: (interrupting)
"Well, it’s all connected, isn’t it? See, these mattress stores, they’re fronts. No one buys that many mattresses! What’s actually happening is, they’re using the mattresses to shield us from the interdimensional time shifts that the moon and hollow earth are causing. They’re absorbing the real light, and we—"
Cathy: (interrupting)
"So, wait. You're saying the moon is using mattresses to hide time shifts? What do mattresses have to do with interdimensional shifts?"
The Mattress Store Conspiracy Theorist:
"It’s not just the moon, Cathy! It’s everything. The mattresses keep us stable in a world where the moon’s light is warping reality. No mattress, no reality! Simple as that!"
Cathy: (sarcastically)
"Naturally. No mattress, no reality. And I thought I was confused before…"
The Celebrity Reptilian Expert: (jumping in)
"Actually, the whole mattress conspiracy is just a cover. The real truth is the celebrities. They’re lizards, Cathy. You’ve seen the proof! Don’t be blind. It’s all part of the reptilian agenda. The Kardashians, especially. They’re trying to control the hollow earth with their moon technology!"
Cathy: (deadpan)
"Wait, so, lizards are controlling the hollow earth using moon technology? How do the mattresses fit in?"
The Celebrity Reptilian Expert: (getting excited)
"That’s the beauty of it! The Kardashians, being lizards, they’re working with the hollow earth species to launch a global mattress empire. They want us all in their mind-controlled sleep pods, so we never wake up to the truth!"
Cathy: (glances at the camera)
"So, the Kardashians are working with hollow earth lizards to sell us mind-control mattresses? This makes perfect sense."
The Moonlight Denier: (interrupting)
"No, no, no! You’ve all got it wrong! The moon doesn’t even emit light, okay? It’s a trick! It absorbs the light from the sun, and then the sun just reflects it back at us, but it’s an illusion! There’s no such thing as night-time! The sun is just playing tricks on our eyes! So we’ve all been sleeping on these mattresses, thinking it’s night, when really it’s all just a big game of illusion!"
Cathy: (visibly exhausted)
"So, the sun is playing tricks on us by reflecting light from a moon that doesn’t emit light… and that has something to do with mattresses? Wonderful."
The Time Cube Enthusiast: (shouting louder)
"You see?! You see?! The four days are the key! Everything is a cycle of four days! The lizards! The hollow earth! It all connects through the time-cube! We’re trapped in this illusion because we haven’t embraced the truth of the cube!"
Cathy: (to the camera, exasperated)
"Well, there you have it. I think we’ve all learned something today. Or, more accurately, we haven’t learned a thing at all. Either way, it was something. Tune in next time, where we tackle whether the Earth is flat… or if it’s just a really, really big pizza. Goodnight!"
End Scene