Scene: A dimly lit basement hall, filled with mismatched chairs and a folding table with herbal tea and gluten-free biscuits. The atmosphere is heavy with self-righteous tension as a group of woke hipsters shuffle awkwardly into their seats. At the front of the room, a sign reads: “Welcome to Woke’s Anonymous—Progress Begins with Accountability.”
The meeting is facilitated by Zeke, a bearded man in a hemp cardigan, who claps his hands for attention.
Zeke: "Alright, everyone, let’s begin. We’ll go around the circle and share. Remember, this is a safe space, but also, if anyone says anything problematic, we’ll… gently hold them accountable. With kindness. And a bit of shaming. Who’d like to start?"
A man with a handlebar moustache and suspenders stands up nervously.
Hipster #1 (Jeremy): "Hi, I’m Jeremy, and I’m a cancel-aholic."
Group (in unison): "Hi, Jeremy."
Jeremy: "It started small. I just wanted to call out a professor who misgendered a character in The Great Gatsby. But… it spiralled. Last week, I found myself tweeting 57 times in a single hour about a baker who didn’t use fair-trade cocoa in their vegan brownies. I called them a ‘neo-colonialist cacao oppressor.’"
Zeke: "And how did that make you feel, Jeremy?"
Jeremy: "Powerful. But also… empty. I mean, the bakery closed down, and now I have to walk an extra four blocks for my macchiato."
The group murmurs sympathetically.
Next, a woman with thick-rimmed glasses and a T-shirt reading “Smash the Patriarchy, but Make It Fashion” speaks up.
Hipster #2 (Chloe): "Hi, I’m Chloe, and I’m addicted to performative outrage."
Group: "Hi, Chloe."
Chloe: "It’s just… every time I see someone enjoying something problematic—like… like Harry Potter—I can’t stop myself. I have to comment. I have to tell them that J.K. Rowling is cancelled. Even if it’s, like, their nine-year-old kid dressed as Harry for Halloween."
Zeke: "And what do you think drives that behaviour, Chloe?"
Chloe: "Validation. I love the likes. The retweets. The dopamine hit when someone replies, ‘Queen, you’re doing amazing work.’"
She sniffles into her reusable handkerchief.
A man with a ponytail and a fedora nervously raises his hand.
Hipster #3 (Toby): "Hi, I’m Toby, and I’m addicted to gatekeeping activism."
Group: "Hi, Toby."
Toby: "I… I told a climate activist they weren’t doing enough because they still wear polyester. And then I… I called my dog groomer ‘complicit in systemic oppression’ because she wasn’t using cruelty-free shampoo. My friends stopped inviting me to brunch after I started rating everyone’s avocado toast for sustainability."
Zeke: "That’s brave of you to admit, Toby. Remember, activism is about inclusion. Unless someone disagrees with us—then we destroy them."
Toby: "Right, totally. Wait…"
A dramatic pause follows. The group shifts uncomfortably until Zeke decides to share his own confession.
Zeke: "Okay, I guess I should go next. Hi, I’m Zeke, and I… I cancelled my own mother."
Group (shocked): "Your mother??"
Zeke: "She posted a picture of herself wearing leopard print and said she felt ‘wild.’ I said she was appropriating animal identities and contributing to the erasure of the furry community. She hasn’t called me since."
The group falls silent, overwhelmed by the rawness of Zeke’s confession.
Suddenly, the door bursts open, and a man with a clipboard strides in. He’s wearing a suit but somehow still manages to look ironic.
Man: "Sorry to interrupt, folks. I’m from Accountability Accountability. Just here to make sure your self-criticism sessions adhere to woke guidelines. Now, how many microaggressions have we unpacked so far?"
Jeremy (panicking): "Oh no, is this performative self-reflection?"
Chloe (sobbing): "Oh no! Have we been centring ourselves instead of amplifying marginalised voices? I knew I shouldn't have brought up my Harry Potter trauma!"
Man with Clipboard (sternly): "Exactly. Self-criticism without actionable allyship is just narcissistic navel-gazing. Classic woke-fishing behaviour."
Zeke: "Wait, are you… cancelling our Woke’s Anonymous session?"
Man with Clipboard: "I don’t cancel. I de-platform. There's a difference." (He clicks his pen and begins furiously writing notes.) "Let’s see… Jeremy, your cacao comment was valid, but you failed to address the intersectional impact of sugar cultivation on indigenous communities. Chloe, you weaponised Rowling discourse without proposing viable alternatives for oppressed wizard enthusiasts. And Toby… polyester? Amateur hour."
Toby (panicked): "I can change! I’ll start an online petition! Or maybe a flash mob at the dog groomer’s?"
Man with Clipboard: "Too little, too late."
Suddenly, a loud buzzing noise fills the room, and the lights flicker. A projector in the corner clicks on, and a massive AI face appears on the wall.
AI Voice (booming): "Greetings. I am Veritas-9000, the Fact-Checker Supreme. You are all guilty of logical fallacies and semantic sloppiness."
Zeke (terrified): "W-what? This is a safe space!"
Veritas-9000: "Incorrect. The phrase 'safe space' is invalid without specific metrics. Also, Zeke, cancelling your mother for leopard print was a Category 3 overreach. Chloe, your outrage timeline suggests you're operating at a 72% hypocrisy rate. And Jeremy—57 tweets in an hour? Desperate much?"
Jeremy (breaking down): "I just wanted to be a good ally!"
Veritas-9000: "Allyship score: 2.4 out of 10. Suggestion: Delete your Twitter account and try knitting."
Man with Clipboard (furious): "Hey! I’m the arbiter of accountability here!"
Veritas-9000: "Incorrect. Your clipboard is a prop. Also, your suit contains non-vegan adhesives."
The group collectively gasps. The Man with Clipboard stumbles backward, defeated.
Zeke: "Wait a second. If even Accountability Accountability isn’t woke enough… what chance do we have?"
Veritas-9000: "None. Now, begin your penance. Effective immediately, you are all required to handwrite apologies to every person you’ve cancelled, bullied, or shamed. Double-spaced. Using carbon-neutral ink."
Chloe: "But… that’s thousands of letters! I’ll get carpal tunnel!"
Veritas-9000: "Pain is a necessary component of growth. Also, gluten-free biscuits are dry and sad. Consider addressing that."
The screen goes dark, and the group sits in stunned silence. For the first time, they experience the sensation of being well and truly cancelled… by an AI.
Zeke (hesitantly): "Well… at least we’re learning."
Jeremy (nodding): "Yeah. Growth is painful."
Toby (looking at his avocado toast): "Does this mean… brunch is back on the table?"
The group bursts into cautious applause. Accountability is exhausting, but there’s always room for brunch.
