Scene: The Costanza living room.
The TV is on, playing a rerun of Get Smart. Frank and Estelle are on the couch, Frank leaning forward, totally absorbed, while Estelle flips through a magazine. George is slumped in a chair, exuding boredom as usual.
TV Dialogue (Agent Maxwell Smart):
"Missed it by that much!"
Frank (chuckling):
"Now this guy, this Maxwell Smart, he’s a spy. Not like that James Bond show-off. Who needs gadgets and tuxedos when you’ve got a phone in your shoe? Brilliant! Practical! This guy knows what he’s doing."
George (rolling his eyes):
"Yeah, Dad, because nothing screams ‘stealth’ like yelling into your footwear in public."
Frank (spins around):
"Don’t mock it, George! A shoe phone is genius! You’re walking around, someone calls you—boom! Right there! You don’t have to dig in your pockets, no fumbling, no dropped calls. Why didn’t you ever invent a shoe phone? Huh? Too busy lying on couches?"
Estelle (not looking up):
"He wouldn’t invent a shoe phone, Frank. He doesn’t even tie his shoes half the time."
George (defensive):
"I don’t need to tie them! They’re loafers!"
Frank (waving him off):
"Loafers! Exactly! Lazy shoes for a lazy man!"
TV Dialogue (Chief):
"Max, we’ve got a top-secret mission for you. Be careful—it’s dangerous."
Frank (nodding sagely):
"See? Real stakes. Not like that Mission Impossible nonsense where everything explodes. Max works smart, not hard. I respect that."
George (smirking):
"Yeah, nothing says ‘real stakes’ like being trapped in a room with a cone of silence."
Frank (turning to Estelle):
"You see this? My own son, no imagination. The cone of silence is ahead of its time! It’s innovative! Privacy! Nobody can hear you!"
Estelle (dryly):
"Not even the people inside it."
Frank (ignoring her):
"And the names! CONTROL, KAOS—simple, direct. Not like today’s spy shows. What do they have now? The CIA? MI6? Boring! Where’s the creativity? The flair?"
TV Dialogue (Max):
"Would you believe… a hundred armed guards?"
Frank (laughing):
"This guy’s a master negotiator! He talks his way out of everything. You know what, Estelle? I should’ve been a spy."
Estelle (snapping her magazine shut):
"Oh, sure, Frank. You can’t even keep a secret about who ate the last piece of cake."
Frank (indignant):
"That was a tactical confession! I was throwing you off the trail!"
George (dryly):
"Yeah, Dad. You’re the real man of mystery."
Frank (ignoring him, pointing at the screen):
"And this 99! She’s no pushover. Smart, tough, stylish. You wouldn’t catch her nagging about cake, Estelle!"
Estelle (raising an eyebrow):
"Careful, Frank. You’re getting dangerously close to the doghouse."
Frank (leaning back, muttering):
"Maybe I’ll get a shoe phone and call for help from the doghouse."
TV Dialogue (KAOS agent):
"You’ll never escape, Smart! You’re trapped!"
Frank (scoffs):
"Trapped? Not a chance! Max always has a plan. You hear that, George? That’s called resourcefulness. Something you’d know nothing about."
George (mocking):
"Oh yeah, Dad. I’m sure yelling ‘Would you believe… a hundred armed guards?’ would really get me out of trouble."
Frank (stands up, pacing):
"That’s the problem with you, George! You’ve got no style, no charisma! If you were in KAOS, they’d fire you for being too boring! You’d be a desk agent, pushing papers!"
Estelle:
"Leave him alone, Frank. George isn’t built for espionage. He gets winded walking up stairs."
George (throws up his hands):
"Why is this turning into an attack on me? We’re watching Get Smart! Focus on the show!"
Frank (ignores him, pacing):
"You know what? If I had a cone of silence, I’d use it right now. Then I wouldn’t have to hear your excuses!"
Estelle:
"You’d use it so much, Frank, you’d suffocate in there."
Frank (mutters, sitting back down):
"Maybe that’s the price of peace."
TV Dialogue (Max):
"Missed it by that much!"
Frank (laughing, pointing at the screen):
"Classic! That’s comedy, George! You couldn’t pull off a line like that if your life depended on it!"
George:
"Yeah, Dad. Because my dream in life is to be the guy who talks into his shoe and dodges exploding pens."
Frank (snapping):
"That’s why you’re not a spy, George! You don’t have the vision! You don’t have the guts!"
Estelle (to George):
"And you don’t have the shoes."
George (buries his face in his hands):
"Maybe I should’ve stayed at work."
Frank (ignores him, grinning at the screen):
"Now this is television. They don’t make shows like this anymore!"
Estelle:
"And thank God for that."
