Scene: The Costanza living room.
George is sitting on the couch, remote in hand, the screen paused on the opening credits of Peter Greenaway’s The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover. He looks nervous but determined. The lights are dimmed; he’s got a bowl of popcorn and a glass of wine.
Suddenly, the front door swings open. Frank and Estelle burst in, carrying shopping bags.
Frank (barking):
"George! What are you doing sitting in the dark like some kind of vampire?"
George (panicking, fumbling with the remote):
"Uh—nothing! Just watching a little…movie! Didn’t expect you guys back so soon!"
Estelle (walking in and squinting at the screen):
"What’s this? The Cook? The Thief? What’s this about? Cooking shows? I like those."
George:
"No, Ma, it’s not a cooking show. It’s…uh…art house cinema. Very sophisticated."
Frank (dropping the bags and plopping onto the couch):
"Art house? Sounds pretentious. Let’s see what this is about. Start it from the beginning."
George:
"No! No, it’s fine. You wouldn’t like it. It’s…uh…very intellectual. Lots of symbolism."
Estelle (sitting down and grabbing popcorn):
"Symbolism? Oh, like that movie with the goat in the library. That was terrible. Let’s see if this one’s better."
George (pleading):
"Ma, you really don’t want to watch this. It’s not your kind of movie."
Frank (grabbing the remote from George):
"How bad could it be? Let’s watch."
George (whispering to himself):
"Oh, God. This is gonna be a disaster."
The movie starts. The opening scene unfolds: a lavish, grotesque dining hall with over-the-top costumes, food, and a loud, foul-mouthed Albert Spica (Michael Gambon) berating everyone at the table.
Frank (immediately):
"What’s with the colours? Everything’s red. Did the cameraman spill ketchup on the lens?"
Estelle:
"Are they in a restaurant? It looks fancy. Oh, Frank, we should go somewhere like that. They’ve got chandeliers!"
Frank:
"Fancy? That food looks like someone set a table in the middle of a butcher shop! And who’s that loudmouth yelling? He sounds like your cousin Marty after two beers."
Estelle:
"Why is everyone just sitting there while he yells? If someone talked to me like that, I’d throw a bread roll at their head!"
George (muttering):
"Please stop. Just stop."
Frank:
"What’s this guy’s deal, George? Is he the cook, the thief, the wife, or the lover?"
George:
"He’s the thief, Dad. He’s supposed to represent greed and brutality. It’s a…metaphor."
Frank:
"Greed and brutality? So he’s like a politician. Got it."
Estelle (gasping as the camera zooms in on a grotesque dish):
"George! Is that a roast pig? Is it…bleeding? What kind of restaurant is this?"
George:
"It’s not about the food, Ma! It’s about power and corruption!"
Frank:
"Power and corruption? Sounds like your Uncle Morty’s poker games."
The scene shifts to Georgina (Helen Mirren) and her lover sneaking away from the table.
Estelle:
"Who’s that woman? Oh, she’s very elegant. Look at her earrings!"
Frank:
"Elegant? She’s running around with that guy like a couple of teenagers! What is this, Days of Our Lives but with more meat?"
George (facepalming):
"Please. Just let me watch the movie."
The infamous bathroom scene begins: the stark white set, Georgina and her lover passionately embracing in graphic detail.
Estelle (shrieking):
"George Costanza! What kind of filth are you watching?!"
Frank (leaning forward, horrified):
"Is that a bathroom? Are they doing that in a public restroom? That’s unsanitary! What’s next, the kitchen?"
George (panicking):
"It’s a metaphor! It’s about…forbidden love! Rebellion! The…human condition!"
Frank:
"I’ll tell you about the human condition—it’s disgusting! People these days have no shame. And what’s with the opera singing? Are they rehearsing for a talent show?"
Estelle (grabbing the remote):
"That’s it. I’m not watching this anymore. George, put on something nice. Something with Doris Day."
George:
"Ma! It’s a masterpiece! Critics called it one of the most provocative films of the decade!"
Frank:
"Provocative? Provocative is watching your mother yell at the deli guy for slicing the pastrami too thin. This is just weird."
Estelle:
"I liked the restaurant at first, but now it’s just a lot of yelling and nudity. And the food doesn’t even look good!"
Frank:
"George, you’re banned from picking movies. Forever. Put on a game show or something. I need to cleanse my palate."
George (throwing up his hands):
"Fine! Fine! You win! I’ll put on Jeopardy!"
Estelle (settling in):
"Good. I like Alex Trebek. He’s so classy."
Frank:
"Classy and he keeps his clothes on. Take notes, Greenaway!"
George (muttering):
"Someday I’m gonna live alone, and I’ll watch all the avant-garde cinema I want."
Frank (overhearing):
"Avant-garde? Is that French for ‘nonsense’?"
Estelle:
"Frank, stop teasing him. George, get me a sandwich."
The Costanza household returns to chaos as Jeopardy begins, and George sulks off to the kitchen, defeated once again.
