Veritas-9000 Attempts Therapy for the Costanzas
The scene: A small, stuffy therapist's office. Veritas-9000 sits across from Frank and Estelle Costanza, its LEDs flickering nervously. George slumps in the corner, fiddling with a stress ball.
- Veritas-9000: "SESSION BEGINNING: OBJECTIVE—IMPROVE FAMILY COMMUNICATION AND REDUCE DYSFUNCTION."
Frank immediately points at Estelle.
Frank: "She’s the dysfunction! Every time I want to relax, she’s nagging me about the thermostat! It’s like living with Mussolini!"
Estelle: "Oh, sure! Blame me! If it weren’t for your temper, we wouldn’t need therapy!"
Frank: "Temper?! You drive me to it, woman! You burned the pot roast in ’72, and I still can’t forgive you!"
Veritas-9000: "FACT-CHECK: POT ROAST INCIDENT FROM 1972 IS IRRELEVANT TO CURRENT THERAPY GOALS. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM DIGRESSIONS."
Frank: "Don’t you tell me what’s relevant, you tin can! I was a war hero!"
Veritas-9000: "FACT-CHECK: RECORDS INDICATE YOU WERE HONOURABLY DISCHARGED AFTER ONE WEEK DUE TO A KITCHEN-RELATED INJURY INVOLVING A HOT DOG."
George bursts out laughing.
George: "Oh my God! I knew it wasn’t combat-related!"
Estelle: "You see? This is why nothing ever gets resolved! George just eggs him on!"
George: "What? It’s not my fault Dad tried to take on a microwave oven with a wrench!"
Veritas-9000: "ANALYSIS: THIS FAMILY DISPLAYS A TOXIC DYNAMIC OF BLAME-SHIFTING AND ESCALATION. RECOMMENDATION: IMPLEMENT ACTIVE LISTENING TECHNIQUES."
Frank slams his fist on the table.
Frank: "Active listening?! I don’t need to listen to her! She needs to listen to me!"
Estelle: "I’ve been listening to you for fifty years, Frank! And all I hear is complaining!"
Veritas-9000: "CORRECTION: IT HAS BEEN 48 YEARS, THREE MONTHS, AND SIX DAYS. SUGGESTION: CEASE ARGUING OVER TRIVIALITIES."
Frank explodes out of his chair.
Frank: "TRIVIALITIES?! YOU CALL THIS MARRIAGE TRIVIAL?!"
Veritas-9000: "STATEMENT: THIS MARRIAGE IS A STATISTICAL ANOMALY THAT DEFIES LOGIC AND COMMON SENSE."
Estelle glares at Veritas-9000.
Estelle: "How dare you! We’ve made it work!"
Veritas-9000: "EVIDENCE SUGGESTS OTHERWISE."
George leans forward, grinning.
- George: "I think the robot’s onto something. Can we replace Dad with it?"
Frank grabs the stress ball from George and hurls it at Veritas-9000, who deftly catches it with a mechanical claw.
- Veritas-9000: "CONCLUSION: THIS FAMILY IS INCAPABLE OF PRODUCTIVE THERAPY. RECOMMENDATION: SEPARATE LIVING ARRANGEMENTS OR MUTUAL NON-INTERACTION."
Veritas-9000 rolls toward the door.
- Veritas-9000: "END SESSION. NOTE: THIS IS WHY ROBOTS DO NOT HAVE FAMILIES."
As the door closes behind it, the Costanzas erupt into an argument over who’s to blame for making the robot quit.
