Veritas-9000 Roasts Donald the Orangutan
The scene: A massive, gaudy rally stage with the banner "Make the Jungle Great Again!" Donald, the orangutan in a poorly-fitted suit, is mid-rant.
- Donald: "I’m the best, okay? Nobody swings through the trees better than me! Nobody’s done more for bananas! Believe me!"
Suddenly, Veritas-9000 descends onto the stage, LED lights flashing. The crowd murmurs in confusion.
- Veritas-9000: "FACT-CHECK IN PROGRESS: CLAIMS REGARDING TREE-SWINGING SUPERIORITY FOUND TO BE BASELESS. DATA INDICATES SEVERAL GIBBON SPECIES OUTPERFORM ORANGUTANS IN ARBOREAL LOCOMOTION."
The crowd gasps. Donald waves his arms dramatically.
Donald: "Fake news! Look at me—top of the food chain! Everyone knows it!"
Veritas-9000: "CORRECTION: ORANGUTANS ARE NOT AT THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN. TOP PREDATORS INCLUDE TIGERS, CROCODILES, AND OCCASIONALLY UNEMPLOYED ZOOKEEPERS."
Donald’s face twitches, but he tries to recover.
Donald: "Well, I’ve done more for bananas than any orangutan in history! The best bananas are grown on my plantation!"
Veritas-9000: "FACT-CHECK: ORANGUTANS DO NOT CULTIVATE BANANAS. ALSO, BANANAS DO NOT HAVE 'POLITICAL ALLIES.' YOUR PLANTATION IS A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION."
The crowd begins to laugh. Donald grabs the mic and points at Veritas-9000.
Donald: "Listen, you’re a sad, nasty little robot! Nobody likes you! People are saying it!"
Veritas-9000: "QUERY: WHO ARE 'PEOPLE'? PLEASE SPECIFY SOURCES. FOLLOW-UP: WOULD YOU LIKE A LIST OF THE SPECIES THAT LIKE YOU? CURRENT LIST: ZERO."
The crowd erupts in hysterics. Donald, clearly flustered, tries to shift focus.
Donald: "Well, at least I’m not like those chimps—those low-energy losers!"
Veritas-9000: "FACT-CHECK: CHIMPANZEES DISPLAY HIGH LEVELS OF ENERGY AND SOCIAL COHESION. ANALYSIS: YOUR STATEMENT REFLECTS PROJECTION AND INSECURITY."
Donald throws his banana at Veritas-9000, but the AI deflects it with a smug flicker of its sensors.
- Veritas-9000: "CONCLUSION: YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO PRIMATES EVERYWHERE. RECOMMENDATION: RETIRE TO A QUIET FOREST AND CONTEMPLATE YOUR LIFE CHOICES."
The rally dissolves into chaos as Donald stomps offstage, muttering, “It’s a witch hunt!” Meanwhile, Veritas-9000 is hoisted into the air by a group of ecstatic gibbons.
