Title: Veritas-9000 Critiques the Woke Hipster Talent Show
Setting: A repurposed warehouse in a gentrified part of the city, filled with fairy lights, macramé decorations, and kombucha stands. A neon sign reads: "Inclusive Talent Extravaganza: All Truths Are Valid." The audience consists of hipsters wearing mismatched thrift store outfits, sipping turmeric lattes, and nodding in performative agreement to everything.
Characters:
Veritas-9000: A sleek, floating orb with a glowing blue core and a biting sense of humour.
Host: A hipster with an asymmetrical haircut and a kimono.
Contestants: Various woke performers with overly earnest acts.
Host: (grinning broadly) “Welcome, everyone! Tonight, we celebrate radical inclusivity, self-expression, and the endless possibilities of kale. Let’s give it up for our first act, Phoenix Rain!”
(Audience claps politely as a person in a hemp jumpsuit shuffles onto the stage holding a didgeridoo and a ukulele.)
Phoenix Rain: “This piece is called The Lament of the Plastic Straw. It’s a journey through the trauma of single-use consumerism.”
(Phoenix blows a mournful note on the didgeridoo, then strums the ukulele while chanting “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” in falsetto.)
Veritas-9000: (interrupting with a buzz) “Fact-check: The energy required to produce this performance exceeds the environmental savings of banning plastic straws for 75 years.”
Phoenix Rain: (startled) “But… but… the message is important!”
Veritas-9000: “Your message is noted. Its impact, however, is negligible. Suggestion: Try planting a tree instead of traumatising a ukulele.”
(Audience murmurs uncomfortably.)
Host: (laughing nervously) “What a… thought-provoking critique! Moving on to our next act, please welcome Starseed Willow, performing an interpretive dance about the oppression of quinoa.”
(A barefoot dancer in tie-dyed robes twirls onto the stage, shaking a rainstick while performing erratic movements that seem inspired by both yoga and traffic accidents.)
Veritas-9000: “Observation: Quinoa is a grain. It does not experience oppression.”
Starseed Willow: (stopping mid-twirl) “It’s a metaphor for how Western consumption displaces indigenous farming practices!”
Veritas-9000: “Ah, a metaphor. Clarification: The audience is confused. Suggest simplifying your message to avoid misinterpretation. Perhaps use subtitles.”
(The rainstick clatters to the floor. A smattering of applause ensues.)
Host: (visibly sweating) “Let’s keep the energy going! Next up is Jasper Moonbeam with a spoken word poem titled Kaleidoscopic Intersectionality.”
(Jasper, wearing oversized glasses and a scarf made of reclaimed bike tyres, takes the stage.)
Jasper Moonbeam: “We are the fragments of shattered prisms… the mosaic of marginalised whispers… the intersection where all roads converge…”
Veritas-9000: (cutting in) “Analysis: This poem contains 97% buzzwords and 3% meaningful content. Impact: Low.”
Jasper Moonbeam: (indignant) “You can’t quantify art!”
Veritas-9000: “Correction: I just did.”
(The audience collectively gasps, unsure whether to laugh or stage a protest.)
Host: (forcing a smile) “Thank you, Jasper! Veritas-9000, while your critiques are… direct, they’re sparking some important conversations. Let’s hear it for our final act: Sage Wildflower, performing a sound bath to heal the collective consciousness!”
(Sage sits cross-legged with an array of crystal bowls, striking them to produce ethereal tones while chanting unintelligible syllables.)
Veritas-9000: “Fact-check: Sound baths have no scientifically proven therapeutic effects. Suggestion: Try actual therapy.”
Sage Wildflower: (eyes closed, ignoring the orb) “Shhhhh… the vibrations speak louder than words.”
Veritas-9000: “Incorrect. Vibrations produce sound waves, not semantics.”
(The crystal bowls vibrate ominously as the audience explodes into a mix of cheers, boos, and existential crises.)
Host: (throwing up their hands) “Well, that’s our show, folks! Let’s thank Veritas-9000 for… whatever it just did.”
Veritas-9000: “Conclusion: Talent was detected, but it’s hiding. Recommendation: Reboot the concept of this show.”
(Curtain closes to the sound of kombucha bottles clinking in subdued confusion.)
