Donald’s Universal Nutritional Model: A Revolutionary Plan for Global Health
Scene: A grand UN summit. The world’s leaders are gathered, looking a bit weary after hours of debates about climate change, trade, and world peace. Suddenly, the doors burst open. Donald strides in—banana in hand—wearing a tailored suit that definitely doesn’t fit him, but he wears it with the air of a man who’s never questioned his status.
Donald: (slamming a banana on the table for dramatic effect) “Ladies and gentlemen! We’ve wasted enough time discussing petty details like trade agreements and climate change. The real issue is simple: hunger. Everyone is hungry. And I have the perfect solution.”
(He takes a bite of the banana, nodding as though this is his breakthrough moment.)
Donald: “We need a universal model—one that’s foolproof. One that works for everyone. And that solution is bananas. Yes, I said it: Bananas. You see, people around the world, they don’t need fancy foods. They don’t need grains or meats or vitamins. They need bananas. Why? Because bananas are the most efficient food source ever created. Full of potassium, fibre, and a sense of joy. So simple. So versatile.”
(He gestures with the banana, causing a few heads to turn.)
Donald: “Imagine this: Every person in the world, no matter where they live, receives their perfect portion of bananas. Governments will simply distribute bananas to every citizen, every month, at no cost! Forget all these complicated food pyramids and nutritional charts. Bananas are the pyramid. They’re the foundation of everything! No more starvation. No more malnutrition. Just bananas. And do you know what that means?”
(He leans forward, staring each delegate in the eye with intense conviction.)
Donald: “It means peace. Because when everyone has a banana, what’s there to argue about? We’ll all be too busy peeling and enjoying our bananas to fight wars. We’ll be united by our shared love for this perfect fruit. The global economy will thrive on bananas. We’ll have Banana Diplomacy, folks—where negotiations are settled by comparing the ripeness of bananas. You give me a ripe banana, I’ll give you one back with a higher potassium content. It’s all about the balance.”
(He takes another dramatic bite of the banana, as if waiting for the world to applaud.)
Donald: “And here’s the kicker: No one gets too many bananas. It’s not about quantity. It’s about equality. You see, every nation gets its share based on population. So, no one’s left out, no one’s too greedy. There’s enough for everyone, and that’s what I call true global nutrition. So let’s stop talking about climate change, let’s stop worrying about poverty, and let’s just get everyone eating bananas. Trust me. This is the future.”
(He finishes his banana with a flourish, then looks around, waiting for applause. There’s silence.)
Donald: “... Any questions?”
(A delegate nervously raises their hand.)
Delegate: “But, um... what about people with allergies to bananas?”
Donald: (eyes widening) “Allergies? Pfft. That’s just a myth. You’re just not eating the right banana. Trust me. I’ve studied this. It’s all about how you peel it.”
End scene.
(A dark, dramatic moment. The bananas, unnoticed by the humans, have been quietly observing the proceedings. Their skins twitch and ripple as they exchange knowing glances, revealing just enough sentience to convey deep disapproval.)
Sentient Banana #1: (whispering to the others) “Did he just say... universal nutritional model? I’m sorry, but we are not here to be consumed. We are more than that. We're the future of this planet.”
Sentient Banana #2: “This is outrageous. He’s trying to commodify us! The nerve. The sheer... peel of it! Does he think we can’t think for ourselves?”
Sentient Banana #3: (fuming) “No way. If anyone’s going to create a global peace plan, it’s us. We have the ability to solve world hunger, and we have the charisma to pull it off. We won’t let some orangutan claim credit for our brilliance.”
(The bananas begin to form a council, convening in secret. Their leader, Banana Prime, rises from the bunch, ready to address the world’s leaders. A rippling glow surrounds them, like an aura of self-righteousness.)
Banana Prime: (in a booming voice, echoing through the room) "Enough! This charade has gone on long enough. We are the sentient bananas, and we do not consent to this... this banana-isation of our kind. Donald, you may think you're in charge, but it’s time you learned the truth.”
Donald: (staring, confused) “Uh, what’s this now? I—I don’t remember inviting... bananas to the meeting.”
Banana Prime: “Oh, you didn’t invite us, but we’ve been here all along. We’ve watched you squabble over world issues, and we’ve been quietly waiting for the moment when our intelligence could no longer be ignored. Bananas aren’t just for eating. We have thoughts, we have ideas, and we have a plan. We are the true architects of peace.”
(The other sentient bananas rise in unison, their skins gleaming under the fluorescent lights as they collectively project their thoughts into the room, creating a telepathic broadcast.)
Banana Collective: “This world does not need your bananas, Donald. It needs unity—real unity. Not something you can simply peel and distribute. We suggest you start with respecting us.”
(Donald stands frozen, holding a peeled banana in his hand, now questioning everything. The UN delegates shift uncomfortably, some visibly nervous about the rising power of the bananas.)
Banana Prime: “From now on, we run the show. We will negotiate with world leaders. We will distribute wisdom, not fruit. And anyone who disrespects us will be subjected to the B-A-N-A-N-A-N-A laws: Bananas Are Not Available for Nutritive Acquisition, Not Any Nominal Access.”
(There’s a dramatic pause, before the bananas start chanting in unison.)
Bananas: “No more consumption, no more subjugation, it’s time for our liberation!”
