Dalek Speed Dating – A Romantic Catastrophe
Location: A trendy, candlelit café where speed dating is taking place. Dr. Linda Thompson, still traumatised from the team-building retreat, has reluctantly agreed to supervise a group of Daleks attempting to integrate into human social life. She already regrets it.
Activity 1: The Introduction Round
A hostess rings a small bell. The human participants smile at their dates, but their expressions fade when they realise their partners are emotionless death machines with toilet plungers.
Dr. Thompson: (through gritted teeth) “Okay, Daleks, just be friendly and introduce yourselves.”
(A woman named Sarah sits across from Dalek Barry.)
Sarah: “So… tell me about yourself?”
Dalek Barry: “I AM BARRY. I ENJOY LONG ROLLS ON THE BEACH. ALSO… EXTERMINATION.”
Sarah: (nervous laugh) “Oh… like, metaphorically?”
Dalek Barry: (charging weapon slightly) “NO.”
(Sarah discreetly presses the panic button under the table.)
Activity 2: The Romantic Gesture
Participants are asked to say something charming to their date.
(A man named Daniel sits across from Dalek Susan.)
Daniel: “Alright, I’ll start! You have very nice… eye-stalk?”
Dalek Susan: “YOUR MOLECULAR STRUCTURE IS STABLE. FOR NOW.”
Daniel: “…Thank you?”
(The bell rings, and the pairs rotate. A new woman, Jessica, sits across from Dalek Greg.)
Jessica: “Hi there! So, do you have any hobbies?”
Dalek Greg: “I HAVE STUDIED INTERGALACTIC WARFARE FOR SEVEN SOLAR CYCLES.”
Jessica: (forcing a smile) “Oh! So, like… strategy games?”
Dalek Greg: “NEGATIVE. TOTAL ANNIHILATION OF ENTIRE SPECIES. ALSO, I KNIT.”
Jessica: “…Knitting?”
Dalek Greg: (whispers menacingly) “TIGHT STITCHES. NO SURVIVORS.”
Activity 3: The Compliment Exercise
A new woman, Emily, sits nervously across from Dalek Kevin.
Emily: “So, um… what do you look for in a partner?”
Dalek Kevin: “BIOLOGICAL COMPATIBILITY IS IRRELEVANT. YOU WILL BE CONVERTED OR EXTERMINATED.”
Emily: (choking on her wine) “What?”
Dalek Kevin: “…YOU HAVE A PLEASANT… FACE STRUCTURE.”
Emily: (relieved sigh) “Oh! Well, that’s—”
Dalek Kevin: “IT WILL BE PRESERVED IN A JAR AFTER YOUR INEVITABLE DESTRUCTION.”
Emily: (screaming internally)
Activity 4: The Love Letter
Participants are instructed to write a romantic note to their date.
(A waiter collects the Daleks' notes and hands them to their human dates. A woman unfolds hers. It reads:)
"YOUR EXISTENCE IS ACCEPTABLE. FOR NOW. EXTERMINATE IF NECESSARY."
Dr. Thompson: (reading over her shoulder, sighing heavily) “At least they’re showing restraint…”
(She then notices Dalek Barry’s letter, which simply reads "SUBMIT TO THE DALEK EMPIRE.")
Final Evaluation
Dr. Thompson stands before the Daleks, defeated.
Dr. Thompson: “Well, Daleks… do you think you learned anything about love?”
Dalek Susan: “ROMANCE IS INEFFICIENT. EXTERMINATION IS ETERNAL.”
Dalek Greg: “EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT MAKES TARGETS HARDER TO ERADICATE.”
Dalek Barry: “ALL POTENTIAL MATES HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED AS WEAK. CONCLUSION: NO SURVIVORS.”
(A loud explosion is heard in the background as Dalek Kevin accidentally exterminates a potted plant.)
Dr. Thompson: (massaging her temples) “Okay. Okay. Maybe next time we’ll try… cooking classes.”
Dalek Barry: “COOKING IS ACCEPTABLE. HUMANS TASTE BEST WHEN—”
Dr. Thompson: “NO. STOP.”