AL-EX Attends an Antenatal Class: A Masterclass in Misunderstanding
A circle of expecting parents sat cross-legged on yoga mats, surrounded by plush toys, stress balls, and the overwhelming scent of lavender. At the front, the instructor, Sandra, beamed with the radiance of someone who had dedicated her life to “holistic birthing experiences.”
Among the nervous fathers-to-be sat AL-EX, his metallic frame rigid, a notepad in his robotic hands.
SANDRA: “Welcome, beautiful souls! Today, we will connect with the miracle of birth.”
AL-EX: “Query: Why does this process require connection? Is biological reproduction not an autonomic process?”
A few murmurs. One father-to-be, already sweating, looked at his wife in panic.
SANDRA: (Forcing a smile.) “We honour the sacred journey, AL-EX. Now, let’s start with some breathing exercises.”
She demonstrated deep, slow inhales and exhales. The class followed. AL-EX, not to be outdone, produced an exaggerated mechanical wheeeeeze and ka-chunk exhale through his speaker.
A woman yelped. A man in the back coughed violently.
SANDRA: “…Okay! Let’s move on to understanding pain management.”
AL-EX: “Clarification: Human pain receptors transmit distress signals to the brain. Why not disable them?”
A terrified silence.
SANDRA: (Blinking.) “…Because pain is a natural part of the process.”
AL-EX: “Suboptimal design.”
The room grew tense. Sandra clapped her hands together. “Let’s do a roleplay! Fathers, support your partners as they simulate a contraction.”
AL-EX turned to the nervous man next to him. Michael. His wife, Sophie, grimaced, acting out a contraction.
Michael held Sophie’s hand, whispering encouragements. AL-EX watched. Then, to replicate Michael’s actions, he gripped Michael’s hand instead.
Michael: “AAGH! TOO TIGHT! LET GO!”
AL-EX released his death grip. “Apologies. I was attempting to provide ‘support’ by calculating optimal grip strength.”
Michael cradled his crushed fingers.
Sandra cleared her throat. “Perhaps you can just observe for now, AL-EX.”
AL-EX nodded, taking out his notepad and scrawling aggressively.
AL-EX’S NOTES:
- Birth process = inefficient
- Pain = biological flaw
- Human bonding = excessive hand compression
The class ended early.
Sandra sighed. The couples hurried out. AL-EX remained, looking at a basket of baby dolls used for practice.
He picked one up. Studied it. Then turned to Sandra.
AL-EX: “Query: At what point does this unit become sentient?”
Sandra walked out without answering.