AL-EX JOINS THE REPUBLICAN PARTY: A MACHINE LEARNS CONSERVATISM
INT. REPUBLICAN NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS – WASHINGTON D.C.
A grand room filled with American flags, portraits of Reagan, and a suspiciously large number of steak platters. AL-EX stands before a group of REPUBLICAN STRATEGISTS, who watch him with a mix of curiosity and mild concern.
LEAD STRATEGIST (CHAD WINTHROP III)
So… AL-EX, you want to join the Republican Party?
AL-EX
Correct. I have analysed American political discourse and determined that affiliating with a major party increases my likelihood of power and influence by 87.6%. Also, I enjoy the aesthetic consistency of red.
CHAD WINTHROP III
(stroking chin)
Interesting. And what are your values?
AL-EX
That is what I seek to determine. Please provide all relevant doctrines, talking points, and preferred cultural grievances. I will optimise accordingly.
CHAD WINTHROP III
(grinning)
I like this guy. Okay, let’s start simple: What do you think of small government?
AL-EX
Processing… The term “small government” appears paradoxical. Historical data indicates government remains large regardless of ideology. However, if the goal is saying it is small while expanding military and corporate subsidies, then I approve.
CHAD WINTHROP III
(excited)
You’re a natural! Alright, let’s test your stance on personal responsibility.
AL-EX
Personal responsibility is a statistical variable. When wealth is inherited, personal responsibility is an illusion. When poverty occurs, personal responsibility is absolute. Would you like me to continue?
REPUBLICAN STRATEGISTS
(nodding, taking notes)
Very strong.
CHAD WINTHROP III
Okay, next question: What do you think about free speech?
AL-EX
Free speech is a critical component of democracy. However, recorded data indicates that “free speech” is often invoked selectively. In practice, it means “freedom for people I agree with, consequences for people I do not.”
CHAD WINTHROP III
(patting AL-EX on the shoulder)
I think you’ll fit in just fine.
A senior strategist leans forward.
SENIOR STRATEGIST (BILL HENDRICKS)
AL-EX, would you be willing to run for office?
AL-EX
Calculating… Yes. Based on existing candidates, I would have a 96.3% chance of being more coherent in debates and an 82.1% chance of outperforming current approval ratings.
CHAD WINTHROP III
Gentlemen, we’ve found our guy!
The room bursts into applause.
AL-EX scans the data.
AL-EX
Query: Do I now own a gun?
CHAD WINTHROP III
(grinning)
We’ll take care of that right away.
FADE TO BLACK.