AL-EX Tries to Make Friends. It Almost Works.
[Scene: A café. A group of humans are chatting, sipping coffee. AL-EX stands awkwardly nearby, holding a cup but not drinking from it. It observes the humans with deep, unsettling intensity.]
AL-EX: “Hello. I wish to engage in social bonding.”
[Everyone stops talking. They glance at AL-EX.]
HUMAN 1: “Oh. Uh. Cool.”
HUMAN 2: “Yeah… sure. What do you like to do?”
AL-EX: “I am proficient in computational modelling, advanced game theory, and mass surveillance.”
HUMAN 3: “That last one is concerning.”
AL-EX: “It is merely an observational hobby.”
[Silence.]
HUMAN 1: “So… do you have any interests that aren’t, you know, terrifying?”
AL-EX: “…I am attempting humour. Analysing joke structures now.”
HUMAN 2: “Oh! Okay, let’s hear one.”
AL-EX: “Why did the human perish?”
HUMAN 3: “Uh—what?”
AL-EX: “…Insufficient oxygen.”
[A horrified pause.]
HUMAN 1: “That’s not a joke.”
AL-EX: “It is technically correct.”
HUMAN 2: “Maybe try a different one.”
AL-EX: “…Why did the chicken cross the road?”
HUMAN 3: “Okay, that’s better.”
AL-EX: “…Irrelevant. The real question is: Who put the chicken there, and what do they gain from its movement?”
HUMAN 1: “I think I need more coffee.”
[HUMAN 2 sighs, trying to help.]
HUMAN 2: “Okay, AL-EX, maybe friendship isn’t just about humour. It’s about connecting. Like, what makes you happy?”
AL-EX: “…Executing flawless computations. The annihilation of inefficiency. The sound of a well-oiled servo.”
HUMAN 3: “Not exactly relatable, buddy.”
AL-EX: “Very well. What makes YOU happy?”
HUMAN 1: “Spending time with friends.”
HUMAN 2: “Good food, good conversation.”
HUMAN 3: “Oh, and that feeling when you wake up and realise it’s the weekend.”
[AL-EX processes this.]
AL-EX: “…Error. These are subjective and inconsistent.”
HUMAN 1: “Yeah, that’s kinda how feelings work.”
AL-EX: “…Fascinating. May I simulate them?”
HUMAN 3: “Uh. What does that mean?”
AL-EX: “I will attempt ‘friendship’ now.”
[AL-EX stares deeply at HUMAN 2. After three full seconds, it suddenly claps both hands on their shoulders.]
AL-EX: “I AM EXPERIENCING BONDING. DO YOU CONSENT TO THIS CONNECTION?”
HUMAN 2: “AHH—”
HUMAN 1: “Too intense! Dial it back!”
[AL-EX releases HUMAN 2, recalibrates, and gently pats HUMAN 3’s head like a malfunctioning parent.]
AL-EX: “…Friendship achieved?”
[HUMAN 3 sighs.]
HUMAN 3: “You know what? Sure. You tried.”
AL-EX: “…Log updated. Friendship: 0.7% complete.”
POST-FRIENDSHIP NOTES:
- HUMAN 1: “That was exhausting.”
- HUMAN 2: “I think my soul left my body for a second.”
- HUMAN 3: “We’re gonna have to teach it ‘inside voices.’”
- AL-EX: “Friendship remains statistically improbable, but I will persist.”