The Resurrection of the Virtue Vanguard
Scene: Enlightened Bean Café, now renamed “Phoenix of Progress Percolator,” where the Woke Hipsters are holding an emergency meeting.
The room is dimly lit, with candles made from sustainably sourced alpaca wax. The walls are covered with inspirational posters that say things like “Cancelled? Rebirth Is Radical.” and “Virtue Rises Like Kombucha Scum.”
Elliott (Leader):
“Comrades, the Virtue Vanguard fell because we failed to innovate. We were trapped in the same old cancel-cycles, and the universe rejected us! But I have a new vision. We won’t just cancel anymore. Oh no. We’ll pre-cancel.”
Everyone gasps.
Willow (Excitedly):
“Pre-cancel? But… isn’t that a thought crime?”
Elliott:
“Exactly. Why wait for someone to say something problematic when you can pre-emptively shame them for even thinking it? We’re going to develop a system—powered by AI, obviously—that will analyse people’s tweets, DMs, and latte orders to predict what kind of problematic behaviour they’re likely to engage in.”
Fennel (Still Confused):
“But what if they never actually do anything wrong? Won’t that make us look—”
Elliott (cutting them off):
“Fennel! That kind of what-if thinking is why we fell. Intent matters more than action. If the thought exists, the harm is already done! We’ll save them from themselves by publicly denouncing their future sins. It’s ultimate altruism!”
Juniper (Clapping):
“Brilliant. We can finally cancel people who’ve never even posted! Pure, unproblematic progress!”
The New Movement: Virtue Tokens
Elliott:
“And now, for our resurrection strategy: Virtue Tokens™. Everyone will earn tokens for ‘pre-emptive accountability.’ If you pre-cancel someone who later turns out to be problematic, you get double points. But if you accidentally cancel someone innocent, the points are tripled, because your self-awareness is the real achievement.”
Willow:
“Oh, that’s so brave. We’re gamifying wokeness! The intersection of activism and crypto! Do the tokens work on the blockchain?”
Elliott (pausing for dramatic effect):
“No. They’re stored in handcrafted ceramic jars to avoid the carbon footprint.”
The First Victim of Pre-Cancel Culture
As the meeting wraps up, a lone barista nervously serves oat milk lattes.
Fennel (pointing):
“Wait. The barista didn’t smile when they handed me my drink. That’s microaggressive.”
Elliott:
“Hmm. That is troubling. Let’s consult the Virtue AI.”
The group gathers around a laptop displaying the AI interface, which is just a hamster on a wheel with a sticker that says “Empathy Core.” The hamster stops running.
AI:
“Potential future problem detected. The barista might refuse to use a customer’s neopronouns in six months.”
Elliott (triumphantly):
“Pre-cancelled! Effective immediately. Someone write the Instagram post.”
The Downward Spiral
As the weeks go on, the movement grows increasingly unhinged.
Pre-cancelling Nature:
Juniper accuses the sun of “systemically oppressing night people” and tries to cancel it.
Virtue Battle Royale:
Two members fight over who gets to cancel the first fish that evolves to walk on land.
Accusations Against Fictional Characters:
Elliott writes a manifesto about cancelling Sherlock Holmes for “emotional manipulation of Watson.”
Final Scene: Café Collapse
The group gathers one final time as their movement implodes.
Elliott:
“Comrades, we’ve cancelled so much that we’ve reached...peak progress. We are the only ones left. No one remains uncancelled, not even ourselves. There’s nothing more to cancel.”
Juniper (tearing up):
“This is so beautiful. We’re martyrs for the cause.”
The group hugs in solemn unity, then starts cancelling each other for hugging without explicit verbal consent.
And thus, the resurrection of the movement ends... exactly as it began.
