Scene: The “Enlightened Re-Education Retreat,” a luxurious and over-the-top "safe space" retreat where woke hipsters are invited to undergo extreme self-reflection. The retreat’s brochure promises participants will "rediscover their purity by confronting their privilege, micro-aggressions, and unexamined biases." The location is a remote mansion, exclusively for people who’ve attended the right protests, read the right books, and attended “woke boot camps.”
The Retreat:
The building is an ostentatious mix of modern art and eco-friendly minimalism. Everywhere you look, there are signs that read: "Live Your Truth™," "No Binary Allowed," and "Your Voice is Valid – unless you disagree with us, in which case... Not So Much." There's also a coffee station with oat milk, almond milk, and soy milk options, all individually labelled with their own pride flags.
Inside the main room:
A large circle of well-dressed hipsters (many wearing oversized scarves, berets, and non-gendered jumpsuits) sits in a “diversity circle” waiting for the Re-Education Coach to begin. The room buzzes with self-important chatter about “evolving consciousness” and “decolonising thought.”
Re-Education Coach (a smug, self-satisfied figure with a name tag reading “Ember Moonfire”):
claps hands to get attention “Okay, woke tribe! Are we ready to deconstruct the oppressive narratives we’ve internalised?”
Hipster 1 (Zoe):
raises hand dramatically “I’ve been working on my white guilt all morning, but I feel like I haven’t fully atoned for my privileged existence yet. I’ve made mood boards to try and connect with my inner oppressed being, but like, how do I really make amends for my entire lineage?”
Ember Moonfire:
nods sagely “Excellent question, Zoe. Acknowledging your guilt is the first step. Have you considered publicly sharing your guilt on Instagram? Maybe make it a 10-slide carousel post with a caption like, ‘Learning and Unlearning #PrivilegeCheck’?”
Zoe:
snaps fingers “Brilliant! I’ll do it with a muted pastel aesthetic, obviously. And I’ll add a heartfelt disclaimer about ‘not trying to steal the narrative from those who’ve actually suffered.’”
Hipster 2 (Luca):
interrupting “Wait, wait, wait. If I do that, do I get a ‘woke credit’ for my efforts? Because, like, I’ve already gone vegan, quit using plastic, and deleted my Spotify because of the Drake album. But am I still allowed to enjoy paleo desserts from a small, local, BIPOC-owned business?”
Ember Moonfire:
smiling knowingly “Ah, that’s the intersectional challenge, Luca. You’re trying to balance your white guilt with your need for woke validation. Have you considered only supporting BIPOC-owned businesses that also advocate for veganism? It's about aligning your activism with your consumption."
At this point, a new participant enters the room—a well-meaning but completely clueless middle-aged white man who’s clearly been dragged into the retreat by his more enlightened friends. He looks around, awkwardly holding a “#Equality” water bottle.
Hipster 3 (Ava):
whispering to Luca “Wait, I don’t think he gets it. How can someone not get it? He’s so... bland.”
Luca:
rolling eyes “I know, right? I think we need to correct him.”
The middle-aged man (Richard):
naively speaking “I just want to say that I’m here to learn and be more inclusive. I’ve read a lot of articles online and I believe in equality for all. I even follow Rachel on Twitter who does some incredible anti-racism work.”
Ava:
interrupts loudly “EXCUSE ME, but Rachel’s work is problematic. She only retweets things from activists of colour, but she’s never actually organised anything or gone to a protest. She’s a performative ally. You clearly don’t understand what actual work looks like, do you?”
Richard:
completely flustered “Wait, I thought... I thought I was doing the right thing. I’ve been reading all the ‘woke’ stuff and—”
Zoe:
cutting him off “Reading? Reading? Do you know what’s actually woke? It’s actively seeking out marginalised voices, and reposting their posts without changing a single word. You just read and then... what? Feel like you’ve earned points? NO. You haven’t even checked your privilege properly. Not even close.”
Richard:
now standing up, getting defensive “What do you mean? I’ve done my research! I’ve read about the struggles! I mean, I’m an ally, right?”
Ember Moonfire:
suddenly very serious “Listen, Richard. It’s not about reading and thinking. It’s about feeling it. You need to feel their pain. Have you, for instance, experienced the pain of not being able to find a latte with oat milk during peak brunch hours? Or tried buying a local candle that wasn’t made by someone from an underprivileged background? Think about that.”
The group then takes a turn into the absurd as they suggest various cancel-worthy offences for Richard:
- He hasn’t attended a single “woke walk” for climate change in an eco-conscious outfit.
- He didn’t apologise for the appropriation of using a “recycled leather” belt.
- He doesn’t know what “wokeness” feels like, so he just doesn’t get it.
As the retreat continues, the absurdity heightens: they now demand Richard’s “woke passport” (a metaphorical concept they invented) in order to prove he’s “qualified” to speak on matters of justice. His failure to show it results in a “virtual cancelling” of his existence in the retreat’s app. He’s unfollowed, untagged, and ultimately banned from all future safe spaces in the woke ecosystem.
In the end, Richard is told to “take a deep breath and confront his privilege” while the group goes back to posting selfies from the cancel-culture retreat with hashtags like #WokeButNotWokeEnough #WokeOverload #VirtueSignalAndChill.
