The Council of Flat-Earth Scientists – Emergency Meeting
Scene: A dimly lit basement adorned with flat-earth posters, maps with missing continents, and a giant sign reading, "TRUTH ≠ MATH." A large table sits at the centre, surrounded by a group of self-proclaimed scientists, each clutching a notepad, a coffee-stained diagram, or an unshakeable sense of certainty.
Chairman: (banging gavel)
"Brothers in Truth, we gather here today for an emergency session. The enemy is at the gates!"
Murmurs of concern. Someone gasps. A man in a tinfoil hat clutches his chest.
Ezekiel:
"The Globers? Have they infiltrated?"
Chairman:
"Worse! NASA has released yet another ‘photo’ of Earth from space."
*Collective outrage. One member faints onto a pile of badly drawn maps.
Brother Jacob: (slamming fist on the table)
"This is an attack on truth! How do they keep manufacturing these images?"
Ezekiel: (nodding sagely)
"As we all know, the government owns a massive space photocopier. It’s been churning out fake images since 1969."
Chairman:
"Exactly. Which is why today’s agenda is crucial. First order of business: The Sun. Why does it move?"
Brother Elijah: (standing dramatically)
"Our research has conclusively shown that the Sun is mounted on a celestial track system, like a child’s train set, but divine. It circles above the disc, illuminating only those deemed worthy."
Chairman: (nodding)
"And what powers this track?"
Elijah: (lowering voice to a whisper)
"The Moon."
Gasps. Pens scratch furiously on notepads. Someone spills their coffee in shock.
Chairman: (intrigued)
"You’re saying the Moon propels the Sun?"
Elijah:
"Yes. The Moon acts as a counterweight. When it moves, the Sun is pulled along the divine rails. It’s basic physics."
Brother Jacob: (raising hand)
"I’d like to propose an amendment. What if, instead of divine rails, the Sun is carried by… birds?"
Chairman:
"Explain."
Jacob: (spreading out a diagram featuring a crude drawing of a giant pigeon)
"We have long observed that birds fly. Why do they fly? Because they are, in fact, upholding the Sun. Without them, it would simply fall."
Ezekiel: (nodding, impressed)
"This would also explain why we never see baby pigeons. They are immediately recruited."
Chairman: (thoughtful)
"Compelling. Let us put it to a vote. All in favour of the Sun being carried by giant birds?"
Most hands go up. One lone figure hesitates.
Brother Nathaniel:
"Wait, wouldn’t this mean birds are much stronger than we thought? That would mean the laws of physics—"
*Collective uproar. Someone throws a globe at him. He is immediately escorted out for ‘thought crime.’
Chairman: (dusting hands)
"Excellent. Next topic: If the Earth is flat, why hasn’t anyone fallen off?"
Brother Jacob:
"Because of the Great Ice Wall."
Chairman:
"And who guards the wall?"
Jacob: (grimly)
"The Penguins."
Ezekiel: (shuddering)
"Cold-blooded killers."
Brother Elijah: (nodding gravely)
"But we have a theory. The ice wall is alive. It is not a mere barrier but an intelligent force that prevents trespassers. We call this ‘The Sentient Glacier Hypothesis.’"
Chairman: (stroking beard)
"And how does it stop people?"
Elijah:
"By whispering to them in the night, filling them with existential dread until they turn back."
Ezekiel: (raising a hand hesitantly)
"If I may… I heard a rumour that a brave explorer recently made it past the wall."
Silence. The room tenses.
Chairman:
"Impossible. No one can survive the whispers."
Ezekiel:
"And yet, he claims to have ventured beyond… and found the other side."
Jacob: (eyes wide)
"The other side?"
Chairman:
"What did he see?"
Ezekiel: (voice trembling)
"Narnia."
Gasps. Someone drops their pen. A candle flickers ominously.
Chairman: (pounding the table)
"We must investigate this claim. Assemble an expedition at once. If Narnia truly exists, we will find it… and expose the truth!"
*Collective cheers. The council disperses, ready to prove once again that facts are no match for imagination.
