Setting: A trendy Shoreditch café, all exposed brick, artisan coffee beans, and potted plants. The atmosphere is filled with ambient indie music, and the scent of oat milk lattes lingers in the air. The Woke Hipster, Zeke, sits at a table with his “Vegan Brunch” (an avocado toast with a sprinkle of quinoa and a side of self-righteousness). Cathy, the Passive-Aggressive character, takes a seat opposite him, her overly polite smile betraying her true feelings.
Zeke: (enthusiastically) "So, Cathy, I’ve just come back from an eco-tourism trip to Peru. It was so amazing to witness the way indigenous communities are responding to climate change. I’m thinking of writing an article about it. You know, I really feel it’s important to raise awareness about these kinds of issues."
Cathy: (sweetly) "Oh, that sounds so… authentic. You know, it’s great that you’re trying to help, even if you haven’t quite grasped how things actually work. But I guess that’s part of the journey, right? Some people are born with the privilege of not having to understand real-world problems."
Zeke: (oblivious, excited) "Totally! I’ve been trying to educate myself more, like I don’t want to be one of those people who just talks without understanding, you know? It’s all about unlearning the stuff that’s been ingrained in us, right? I mean, like, do you feel that way too?"
Cathy: (nodding, her voice dripping with faux-enthusiasm) "Oh, I definitely feel that way. It’s just, some people really try to educate themselves and fail spectacularly. I suppose it’s hard when you’re always looking for validation instead of true understanding. But, hey, you’re trying, and that’s what counts… right? It’s so endearing to watch."
Zeke: (completely unaware) "Right, exactly! I feel like if we’re not actively engaging in conversations about our own biases, then we’re just part of the problem. It’s so important to listen more than we speak, you know?"
Cathy: (smiling thinly) "Oh, absolutely. It's just wonderful to see someone so eager to listen when they’ve barely spoken at all. I mean, I’m sure that makes the world a better place. Who needs actual action when you can just listen to the right podcasts, right?"
Zeke: (grinning, unbothered) "Exactly! It’s about the journey of learning and growing. Also, I’ve been doing a lot of mindfulness exercises lately. I read about them in a zine. It’s really about being present and aware of your surroundings."
Cathy: (pauses, eyes narrowing slightly) "Mindfulness, huh? How... radical. It’s cute how people latch onto trendy things. I’m sure it’ll really help you focus on, like, the things that matter. Maybe next time you can try being mindful of when someone’s talking to you, instead of interrupting them every two seconds."
Zeke: (still beaming) "Oh, and I’ve been thinking of getting a tattoo, you know, to really embody the values I’ve been learning about. Maybe something like a lotus flower or an abstract representation of the interconnectedness of life. What do you think?"
Cathy: (with a perfectly fake smile) "A lotus flower, huh? How original. I’m sure the tattoo artist will appreciate the deep layers of meaning you’re about to put on your skin. I mean, who doesn’t want to wear their enlightenment on their sleeve, literally? It’s like a walking manifesto, right?"
Zeke: (nodding enthusiastically) "Exactly! It’s about expressing my values to the world. You know, I’ve always felt that outward expression should match inner growth. Like, it’s part of my journey, you know?"
Cathy: (raising an eyebrow, sarcastic) "Oh, I totally get it. Inner growth through outer display. It’s always inspiring when someone’s journey is so... tangible. People who truly transform don’t need to tell the world about it with permanent ink, but hey, I guess it’s a form of self-expression too. So brave."
Zeke: (not catching on) "Right! It’s about authenticity, you know? And speaking of authenticity, I’m hosting a community discussion next week on social justice. We’ll be exploring systemic inequality and how we can collectively shift our mindset."
Cathy: (mocking sweetness) "A community discussion? How enlightened of you. I’m sure the local cafe will just love the sudden shift in their atmosphere as you gently guide them to the ‘right’ way of thinking. I mean, it must be so tiring, shouldering all that responsibility to save everyone from their ignorance."
Zeke: (feeling proud, totally unaware) "Yeah, it’s a lot, but someone has to do it, right? We all have to do our part. I’m just doing what I can to raise awareness and make the world a better place."
Cathy: (leaning back, her voice dripping with sarcasm) "Of course. One community discussion at a time. The world’s problems really do seem like they’re just one conversation away from being solved, don’t they? Like, all it takes is a well-placed podcast and a gluten-free snack, and we’ll all be free from oppression. It’s truly that easy."
Zeke: (laughing, completely missing the sarcasm) "I love that you get it, Cathy. It’s all about collective action. I’m so glad I have people like you in my circle. It’s about surrounding ourselves with those who challenge us and help us grow."
Cathy: (eyes narrowing, deadpan) "Oh, I’m absolutely challenged. Nothing says ‘growth’ like being constantly confronted with how much more evolved someone else is. It’s such a rewarding experience, really."
Zeke: (oblivious, continues sipping his oat milk latte) "I know, right? It’s like we’re all part of this greater movement. And speaking of movements, have you checked out that new vegan leather jacket brand? They’re using completely sustainable materials. It’s all about making better choices for the planet, one fashion statement at a time."
Cathy: (smirking) "Vegan leather, huh? That’s the ultimate fashion revolution. Not only do you get to save the planet, but you also get to wear your superiority around the streets like a badge of honour. I can already imagine you walking through Shoreditch in your authentically sourced jacket, saving the world one fashionable step at a time."
Zeke: (nodding proudly) "Exactly! It’s like a lifestyle. We’ve got to embody our values in every part of our lives. From what we eat to what we wear, it all adds up, you know?"
Cathy: (sweetly) "Oh, I know. It’s so inspiring to see someone embody their values so wholeheartedly—it’s almost like you’re the walking, talking ideal of a moral compass. I’m sure the planet feels so grateful to have you around."
Zeke: (beaming) "You know, Cathy, I’m so glad we had this conversation. It’s just amazing how we can come together like this, share ideas, and really move the needle on positive change. I’m sure you’re feeling as inspired as I am."
Cathy: (deadpan, with a slow smile) "Oh, I’m inspired alright. I’ve never felt more alive with the knowledge that my entire existence is somehow measured against your virtue. It's really a privilege, truly."
Zeke: (nodding in satisfaction) "Exactly! It’s so good to find like-minded people who really get it. I’ll send you the link to the podcast I was talking about earlier. You should definitely listen to it. It’s all about making real change, like, starting with us."
Cathy: (eyes narrowing) "Of course. Can’t wait to listen. Maybe while I’m listening, I’ll be able to finally understand what it means to have unquestionable moral superiority."
Zeke: (excitedly pulling out his phone) "It’s such a powerful episode, Cathy. You’ll love it! By the way, I’m also thinking of starting a book club. You should join. It’s going to be focused on literature that inspires social change. Like, we’ll read things like ‘The Color Purple’ and ‘Pedagogy of the Oppressed.’ What do you think?"
Cathy: (leaning forward, her voice syrupy sweet) "A book club? How charming. You’re basically the Gandhi of Shoreditch, aren’t you? I can just picture you leading a group of people in an enlightened circle, all holding their ethically sourced organic coffee mugs and discussing the ‘woke’ classics. It’s practically revolutionary."
Zeke: (smiling broadly, not catching the sarcasm) "Exactly! We’re going to change the world one book club meeting at a time. We’ll start small and then—"
Cathy: (interrupting, feigning a gasp) "Wait, hold on. I just got an idea! What if we make this even better? What if we start an underground vegan pop-up café that only serves gluten-free, locally foraged foods? It would be so exclusive, only the most enlightened people could get in."
Zeke: (eyes lighting up) "Oh, that’s genius, Cathy! It’s like we’re already on the cutting edge of the next big thing. We could even have a waiting list!"
Cathy: (leaning back, smugly) "Oh, it’ll be exclusive alright. So exclusive that only you could ever get in. In fact, I’ll have to politely decline your invitation when it comes. I’m sure the planet will understand."
(Zeke stands up, feeling proud, as Cathy sips her coffee slowly. There's a long, awkward silence.)
Zeke: "Well, it’s been really great talking to you, Cathy. I feel like we’ve really connected on such a deep level."
Cathy: (without skipping a beat) "Oh, I’ve never felt more connected in my life. Like, truly, you’ve opened my eyes to a whole new dimension of smugness. Thanks."
(Zeke, utterly oblivious, nods in agreement, pats Cathy on the back, and walks off to start his next ‘activist’ adventure, leaving Cathy sitting there with a satisfied, sarcastic smile, ready for her next victim.)
