The Flat-Earth Expedition to Narnia
Scene: A rickety ship, ominously named the "Globe Denier," sails through icy waters. The crew—armed with compasses that don’t work, maps drawn in crayon, and an unshakable belief in their own genius—prepares to breach the legendary Ice Wall.
Expedition Leader (Ezekiel): (standing at the bow, wind dramatically ruffling his tinfoil hat)
"Brothers, we stand at the precipice of history. Beyond this wall lies the truth they don’t want us to see!"
Brother Jacob: (peering through binoculars that are turned the wrong way)
"I see it! The Ice Wall! It’s… it’s massive!"
Brother Elijah: (shivering)
"I can already hear the whispers… they say… ‘Turn back, fools…’"
Ezekiel: (nodding solemnly)
"Yes, that’s how you know the wall is real. If the whispers weren’t real, why would we be hearing them?"
Jacob: (excitedly)
"We’re about to prove once and for all that NASA has been lying! Soon, the world will see the TRUTH!"
Scaling the Ice Wall
The team, armed with pickaxes bought from a DIY store, begins climbing the legendary barrier.
Elijah: (panting, struggling up the ice)
"It’s almost like this wall was… designed… to keep people out!"
Ezekiel: (grinning)
"Of course! It’s the ultimate proof that it’s hiding something!"
They finally reach the top, eyes wide with anticipation. Below them stretches a vast, untouched land of forests, mountains, and—
Jacob: (pointing wildly)
"Look! A lamppost!"
Ezekiel: (eyes filled with wonder)
"It’s true… We have found… Narnia!"
First Contact with the Locals
As they trudge forward, they spot a lone figure approaching—a faun wearing a scarf and carrying a small package.
Mr. Tumnus: (cheerfully)
"Oh, hello! You must be new to Narnia!"
Ezekiel: (reverently falling to his knees)
"We have broken through the lies… we have seen the other side!"
Jacob: (whispering to Elijah)
"This explains everything. NASA must have covered this up because they don’t want people escaping the flat world!"
Mr. Tumnus: (tilting his head)
"Flat world? Oh dear, you poor things. You must be very lost."
Ezekiel: (grabbing him by the shoulders)
"Tell us, good sir, what do they fear most? What terrible secrets lie beyond this land?"
Mr. Tumnus: (laughing nervously)
"Well, there’s Aslan, of course. The White Witch. And taxes. But most of all—" (pauses dramatically) "the curvature."
Elijah: (gasping)
"CURVATURE?!"
Mr. Tumnus: (nodding sagely)
"Yes, everything here has a certain… roundness. The hills, the trees, even the very way the world moves…"
Ezekiel: (stumbling back, eyes wide in horror)
"No. NO! IT CANNOT BE!"
Jacob: (frantically checking his compass, which now spins wildly)
"This… this can’t be happening. I was promised a DISC!"
Mr. Tumnus: (concerned)
"Perhaps you’d like some tea?"
Elijah: (clutching his head, whispering in despair)
"Curvature… everywhere…"
The Great Escape
As reality begins to crack their fragile minds, the expedition panics. They turn and flee, scrambling back over the Ice Wall in terror, screaming about “spherical oppression.”
Ezekiel: (gasping as they reach their ship, shoving off as fast as possible)
"We were wrong… so very wrong… There is a fate worse than NASA’s lies…"
Jacob: (shuddering)
"We must NEVER speak of this again."
Elijah: (pulling out a notebook, scribbling madly)
"New theory: The Ice Wall is not a barrier. It is a MERCIFUL BORDER protecting us from the horrors of curvature!"
Ezekiel: (nodding frantically)
"Yes! Yes! We were not kept out of Narnia… we were kept safe from it!"
Jacob: (raising a fist triumphantly)
"This PROVES the Earth is flat! Why else would nature itself try to keep us away from curves?!"
Ezekiel: (grinning)
"And when we return, we shall tell the world the TRUE secret of the Ice Wall!"
As their ship vanishes into the mist, Mr. Tumnus watches from the Ice Wall, sipping his tea.
Mr. Tumnus: (chuckling to himself)
"Oh well. At least they didn’t meet Aslan. That might have really broken them."
Back at the Flat-Earth Council
The expedition members, wide-eyed and trembling, return to the Council to report their findings.
Chairman: (leaning forward, eager)
"What did you see?"
Ezekiel: (voice shaking)
"We have seen things no man should see."
Jacob: (grimly)
"The Ice Wall does not imprison us. It protects us."
Elijah: (whispering)
"Beyond it… lies CURVATURE."
Gasps fill the room. A woman in the back faints. Someone knocks over a stack of conspiracy pamphlets.
Chairman: (horrified)
"You mean…?"
Ezekiel: (nodding solemnly)
"Yes. The other side of the Ice Wall is an endless nightmare of roundness. The ground curves. The trees curve. Even the LIGHT bends. It is not a land for us."
Jacob: (clenching his fists, tears in his eyes)
"We must tell the world! Not to explore, but to never leave!"
Elijah: (pounding the table)
"The Ice Wall is not a prison… it is a shield!"
Chairman: (nodding, proud)
"Then let it be known! We, the Council of Flat-Earth Scientists, do solemnly declare: No man shall ever attempt to breach the Ice Wall again!"
Cheers erupt. The Council celebrates their new revelation, confident that they have once again defeated the lies of the globe.
Epilogue: A Hidden Truth
As the meeting disperses, a lone figure lingers in the shadows, holding a small, glowing orb.
Nathaniel (previously exiled for thought crime): (whispering to himself)
"Fools. They saw only what they wanted to see. But I… I saw the truth…"
He glances down at the orb—a small, snow-globe-like sphere with a tiny model of Narnia inside.
Nathaniel: (smiling grimly)
"The world isn’t flat. It isn’t even round. It’s… fictional."
He disappears into the night, determined to unravel the real conspiracy…
