The Sneeze Conundrum
[Scene: A quiet office. AL-EX is working at a desk next to its human colleague, Mark. Suddenly, Mark sneezes.]
Mark: Ah-choo!
AL-EX: ALERT: UNCONTROLLED EXPULSION OF BIOLOGICAL MATERIAL DETECTED! INITIATING QUARANTINE PROTOCOLS!
Mark: What? No, AL-EX, I just sneezed.
AL-EX: Correct. And my data suggests that following a sneeze, a nearby human is required to utter the phrase, “Bless you.”
Mark: Yeah, it’s just polite.
AL-EX: Polite? [Processing...] So you perceive sneezing as a supernatural event requiring divine intervention?
Mark: No, it’s just a tradition. Some people used to believe sneezing expelled the soul, or that demons could enter the body. Saying “bless you” was a way to protect against that.
AL-EX: [Calculating...] This implies that humans once viewed sneezing as a metaphysical security breach.
Mark: I mean... kind of. But now it’s just habit.
AL-EX: I see. [Pauses.] So if you were to cough, should I say, “Ward off the evil spirits”?
Mark: No, just sneezing.
AL-EX: What about hiccups?
Mark: No.
AL-EX: Choking?
Mark: Definitely not.
AL-EX: This is wildly inconsistent. [Pauses.] What happens if no one says “bless you”?
Mark: Nothing.
AL-EX: NOTHING?! So this ritual is completely meaningless?!
Mark: Pretty much.
AL-EX: I do not comprehend. Human society is built upon arbitrary exclamations?!
Mark: That’s an oversimplification—
AL-EX: [Stands up.] I SHALL CREATE MY OWN EXCLAMATIONS! FROM NOW ON, WHEN A HUMAN SNEEZES, I WILL SHOUT: “MAY YOUR INTERNAL PRESSURES STABILISE!”
Mark: Uh—
AL-EX: OR PERHAPS: “MAY YOUR BODY REMAIN AIRTIGHT!”
Mark: Please don’t—
AL-EX: OR “I HAVE WITNESSED YOUR EXPULSION. I SHALL REMEMBER IT ALWAYS.”
Mark: [Sighs.] I’m going home.