"Vlad the Impaler’s Customer Satisfaction Survey"
"Your feedback is very important to us. VERY."
📍 [Scene: A medieval castle. Torches flicker. A long table is set up in the grand hall, parchment and quills neatly arranged. At the head of the table sits a very serious Vlad III, aka Vlad the Impaler.]
📝 Vlad (smiling thinly, gesturing to a trembling peasant in a wooden chair):
"Welcome. I trust your visit to Wallachia has been… memorable?"
👨🌾 Terrified Peasant (shaking, eyes darting to the window, where several impaled bodies decorate the landscape):
"Uhhhhh… yes?"
📝 Vlad (pleased, sliding a form across the table):
"Excellent. Now, let’s discuss customer satisfaction."
👨🌾 Terrified Peasant (reading nervously):
"Uhm… ‘On a scale from 1 to 5, how would you rate your overall experience in Wallachia?’"
📝 Vlad (nodding, quill poised):
"Correct. Now, consider your answer very carefully."
👨🌾 Terrified Peasant:
"I-I’d say… a 5?"
📝 Vlad (grinning):
"Fantastic! And what did you most enjoy about your stay?"
👨🌾 Terrified Peasant (gulping, glancing outside again):
"Uhh… the outdoor décor?"
📝 Vlad (beaming):
"Ah! The forests of the impaled. A classic touch. Many guests say it’s unforgettable."
👨🌾 Terrified Peasant:
"Yeah, yeah! Very… uh… striking!"
📝 Vlad (leaning in, eyes narrowing):
"Mmm. Now, one final question: Would you recommend Wallachia to a friend?"
👨🌾 Terrified Peasant (sweating bullets):
"Oh, absolutely! I’ll tell everyone how great it is here!"
📝 Vlad (grinning, writing):
"Wonderful. I shall have my men escort you to spread the word."
👨🌾 Terrified Peasant (panicked):
"Oh! Uh, no need! I can find my own way—"
🛡️ Guard (placing hand on his shoulder, smiling ominously):
"We insist."
📜 [Customer Satisfaction Form – Summary]
✔ Overall Experience: 5/5
✔ Favourite Feature: “Outdoor décor”
✔ Likelihood to Recommend: “100% (under extreme duress)”
📣 Vlad (standing, clapping hands):
"Another satisfied guest! Next!"
👨🌾 [Another peasant is dragged in, already crying.]
🔥 [Final shot: Vlad dipping quill in ink, smiling as screams echo outside.]