TITLE: ARK MADNESS - THE FINAL DESCENT INTO DELUSION
SCENE: The Ark, now a multi-continent monstrosity of spiralling decks, chaotic animal enclosures, and a giant neon sign that says "FLAT EARTH NAVY - GOD'S TRUE MARINERS."
NARRATOR: And lo, the faithful had constructed the Ark, a vessel so massive it had its own gravitational pull, disrupting tides and causing global panic.
[ENTER THE PROPHET - robed in bedsheets, wielding a GPS set permanently to "Recalculating..."]
PROPHET: Brethren! The Lord’s plan is nigh! Soon the flood shall come and cleanse the sinners! Also, a word of caution—the starboard deck now experiences minor time dilation, and the giraffes are evolving at an alarming rate.
[Enter NOAH 2.0, wearing a captain’s hat, holding a broken sextant, and visibly stressed.]
NOAH 2.0: We have a problem.
PROPHET: A test of faith!
NOAH 2.0: No, an actual problem. The elephants have staged a coup in Deck 17. The penguins have unionised and demand equal access to the jacuzzi. And we’ve lost the mosquitoes.
PROPHET: Praise the Lord!
NOAH 2.0: No, you fool! Without mosquitoes, how will we ensure future suffering?
[Meanwhile, in the ENGINEERING BAY—a complex system of wooden pulleys and a single hamster-powered turbine.]
ENGINEER: Captain, we've crunched the numbers again, and there’s no way we can fit every species. The Ark would need to be at least twice the size of the observable universe.
NOAH 2.0: Then we shall construct ANOTHER Ark!
ENGINEER: ...Where?
NOAH 2.0: pauses ...On top of THIS Ark!
[Construction immediately begins. The Ark groans under its own weight. The gravitational field intensifies. A small moon forms.]
[Meanwhile, the PRAYER ROOM—full of monks frantically reading physics textbooks upside-down.]
MONK #1: We are forced to confront a terrifying reality. If the Ark is round...
MONK #2: horrified whisper Then the Earth...
[Silence. A single chicken clucks ominously.]
[Suddenly, a cosmic shudder. The very fabric of reality wobbles. The Ark has become TOO LARGE, breaking the simulation. GOD HIMSELF logs in.]
GOD: Error. Flood.exe has encountered a critical failure. Rebooting universe...
[SCREEN FLASHES TO BLACK.]
[Suddenly—new scene. The Prophet, Noah 2.0, and all the animals wake up in a small boat. Rain drizzles softly.]
NOAH 2.0: We... we made it?
PROPHET: Praise be! The Lord has spared us!
[A lone DOLPHIN swims past, shaking its head.]
DOLPHIN: You absolute idiots. That wasn’t God. That was a memory leak in the simulation.
[FADE TO BLACK.]
[TEXT APPEARS ON SCREEN: "ARK 2.0—COMING SOON TO A FLAT EARTH NEAR YOU."]
