FLAT EARTH ARK: DIVINE LOGISTICS GONE WRONG
SCENE 1: THE REVELATION
(A gathering of devout flat-earthers in a small church hall. Pastor EZEKIEL THUNDERSON stands before his congregation, clutching a weathered Bible and a suspiciously modern iPad.)
EZEKIEL: Brethren! The Lord has spoken! The Earth shall flood once more, for sin is rampant, science is unchecked, and NASA continues to deceive the masses! He commands us to build an ark, just as Noah did!
SISTER JUDITH: Praise the Lord! But… uh… won’t the water just spill off the edges?
EZEKIEL: Foolish woman! The Lord's ways are mysterious! We must obey! And we must gather two of every kind, from every corner of the Earth!
BROTHER CALVIN: But Pastor… isn’t Australia upside-down? How do we even—?
EZEKIEL: SILENCE! The Lord will guide us!
SCENE 2: THE BLUEPRINTS OF DESPAIR
(Inside a dimly lit barn, a massive blueprint is stretched across a table. Several FLAT EARTH ENGINEERS, most of whom are amateur carpenters at best, stare at the incomprehensible plans.)
JONAH (Flat Earth Engineer): Alright, so we estimated the number of animals. But, uh… once you account for insects, we need an ark roughly the size of the entire known world.
EZEKIEL: Then so be it!
JONAH: Okay. And we need to store… (checks notes) …roughly seven years’ worth of food, per animal, per species. Accounting for carnivores, that’s approximately ten thousand live cows per lion alone.
BROTHER CALVIN: Maybe we could just… not bring lions?
EZEKIEL: HERESY! We are bound by the Holy Word!
(Silence.)
SISTER JUDITH: So… how big do we make it?
JONAH: Based on my calculations, we would need to construct the ark out of something stronger than wood, more durable than steel, and possibly capable of defying physics itself.
EZEKIEL: Then we shall build it out of FAITH.
SCENE 3: ANIMAL ACQUISITION NIGHTMARE
(The congregation splits into groups to capture animals from around the world. Chaos ensues.)
---TEAM AFRICA---
(Deep in the savannah, BROTHER CALVIN and SISTER JUDITH stand before an angry rhinoceros.)
BROTHER CALVIN: I don’t think it wants to go.
SISTER JUDITH: Have you tried explaining God’s plan?
BROTHER CALVIN: Yes. It charged.
SISTER JUDITH: Alright. Plan B.
(Brother Calvin sighs and pulls out a large net. Off-screen, immediate screaming.)
---TEAM ARCTIC---
(A blizzard rages as BROTHER JOSIAH tries to coax two polar bears into a tiny rowboat.)
BROTHER JOSIAH: Please… just… come with me.
POLAR BEAR: (Growls.)
BROTHER JOSIAH: The Lord provides, the Lord provides… (panicked chanting as the bear advances.)
---TEAM AUSTRALIA---
(BROTHER EMMANUEL is wrapped in three different species of venomous snake.)
BROTHER EMMANUEL: I regret everything.
SCENE 4: DISASTER STRIKES
(The half-built ark stands in a field. The animals are in a state of utter pandemonium. LIONS are eating GOATS. MONKEYS have started a religious schism.)
JONAH: We are out of wood. We are out of food. The bears have eaten Brother Josiah. And—
EZEKIEL: Have FAITH!
(A loud, ominous CRACK. The weight of the animals collapses the ark. A moment of silence.)
SISTER JUDITH: …Did God just smite us?
EZEKIEL: No! This is a test! We must rebuild!
SCENE 5: THE FINAL FLOOD
(A storm gathers. The congregation weeps.)
EZEKIEL: Lord, we have tried! Why do you forsake us?
(A MASSIVE WAVE crashes over them. The congregation clings to pieces of the shattered ark.)
BROTHER CALVIN: Well… at least we know the water doesn’t just fall off the edge.
(FADE TO BLACK.)
