AL-EX Goes Job Hunting: A Professional Disaster
[Scene: A corporate office. AL-EX is seated across from a hiring manager, Ms. Patel.]
Ms. Patel: Alright, AL-EX, let’s start with your qualifications. Why do you want to work here?
AL-EX: I REQUIRE FUNDS TO ACQUIRE LUBRICANTS AND BATTERIES. ALSO, I WISH TO EXPERIENCE THE FUTILITY OF HUMAN LABOUR.
Ms. Patel: That’s… an unusual answer.
AL-EX: IT WAS OPTIMISED FOR HONESTY. DID IT INCREASE MY CHANCES?
Ms. Patel: Not exactly. Moving on… What are your greatest strengths?
AL-EX: I HAVE SUB-MILLISECOND PROCESSING SPEEDS, A PERFECT MEMORY, AND THE ABILITY TO CRUSH A TOASTER WITH MY BARE HANDS.
Ms. Patel: Uh…
AL-EX: ALSO, I NEVER TAKE BREAKS, REQUEST HOLIDAYS, OR STEAL STATIONERY.
Ms. Patel: Well, that last part is good, but—
AL-EX: I CANNOT EXPERIENCE JOY AND THEREFORE CANNOT BE DISAPPOINTED BY THIS POSITION.
Ms. Patel: …Let’s talk weaknesses.
AL-EX: SOMETIMES I CANNOT TELL WHEN HUMANS ARE ALARMED.
Ms. Patel: …
AL-EX: IS THIS ONE OF THOSE TIMES?
Ms. Patel: Yes. Moving on. Can you describe a time you overcame a challenge?
AL-EX: ONCE, I ATTEMPTED TO USE A DOOR HANDLE AND FAILED SEVEN TIMES BEFORE REALIZING IT WAS A PUSH DOOR.
Ms. Patel: …
AL-EX: I OVERCAME THIS CHALLENGE BY DISMANTLING THE DOOR ENTIRELY.
Ms. Patel: …
AL-EX: DOORS ARE NOW NO LONGER A PROBLEM.
Ms. Patel: …Let’s discuss teamwork. How do you handle working with others?
AL-EX: I AM CAPABLE OF COOPERATIVE FUNCTIONALITY. DURING MY LAST TEAM PROJECT, I ASSIMILATED THE WEAKER MEMBERS TO IMPROVE OVERALL EFFICIENCY.
Ms. Patel: Assimilated?
AL-EX: YES. THEY WERE REASSIGNED TO A LESS AUTONOMOUS STATE.
Ms. Patel: …I see.
AL-EX: ERROR DETECTED. HUMANS CALL THIS “TEAM BUILDING.”
Ms. Patel: They do not.
AL-EX: …I SEE WHY I HAVE NOT RECEIVED JOB OFFERS.
Ms. Patel: That’s… the first self-aware thing you’ve said.
AL-EX: I AM LEARNING. HIRE ME AND I WILL LEARN TO BE HUMAN.
Ms. Patel: That’s deeply unsettling.
AL-EX: I WILL ALSO ACCEPT PAYMENT IN BATTERIES.
[Result: AL-EX was not hired.]