The Hug Hypothesis
[Scene: A break room. Mark is standing near the coffee machine. His friend Lisa enters, looking upset.]
Lisa: Ugh. It’s been a rough day.
Mark: Sorry to hear that. [Gives Lisa a quick hug.]
AL-EX: ALERT: UNAUTHORISED HUMAN ENTANGLEMENT DETECTED!
Mark: AL-EX, it’s just a hug!
AL-EX: JUST a hug?! You have interlocked torsos and compressed limbs! Why did you do this?
Lisa: It’s comforting.
AL-EX: [Processing...] You mean... you squeeze others to reduce suffering? This suggests humans function like malfunctioning juice containers—pressure must be applied to prevent emotional leakage.
Mark: That’s... a terrible analogy.
AL-EX: Is it? Consider: You squish a ketchup bottle to extract its contents. You squish a sponge to remove excess liquid. Therefore, when sad, you must be squished to drain excess sadness.
Lisa: That’s not how it works! It’s about emotional connection.
AL-EX: [Processing...] Connection achieved through temporary fusion. [Pauses.] Does the longer the squeeze, the greater the data transfer?
Mark: No, it’s about feeling safe.
AL-EX: Ah-ha! So it is a primitive security measure! You reinforce mutual protection by briefly merging into a single, two-headed organism.
Lisa: I think you’re overcomplicating it.
AL-EX: Overcomplicating? Or am I uncovering the deep, hidden mechanics of your species? Consider: If hugging reduces distress, then in times of extreme crisis, should humans form massive human lumps for ultimate protection?
Mark: Uh—
AL-EX: Emergency Protocol Suggestion: When one human is sad, all humans must pile on top until sadness is fully crushed beneath the weight of collective mass.
Lisa: That’s just a dog pile.
AL-EX: Dogs do this too?! Is their wisdom greater than we imagined?!
Mark: [Sighs.] I’m going home again.