Cathy: (with a raised eyebrow) "Today, I’m speaking with someone who believes there’s a secret civilisation living deep inside the Earth. Apparently, it’s all hidden away behind portals in the poles. Welcome, Mr. Hollow Earth Theorist. Or should I say... ‘journeyer to the centre of the Earth’?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "Well, thank you, Cathy. I’ve spent years researching this. The evidence is all around us if you know where to look. The Earth is hollow, and there’s an entire civilisation beneath our feet. We’re talking advanced technology, hidden cities, and—"
Cathy: (interrupting, faux serious) "So, just to be clear, you’re saying there’s a whole civilisation, but we’ve all been walking around completely unaware of it? No one’s ever stumbled upon it while, say, digging a hole for a new garden gnome?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "Exactly. It’s a secret world hidden beneath layers of rock. The entrance is hidden in the polar regions, and only a select few know how to access it."
Cathy: (mock surprise) "Ah, yes, those pesky polar regions. Because when I think of ‘hidden secrets,’ I immediately think of the place where we keep sending tourists to take selfies on icebergs. Makes perfect sense."
Hollow Earth Theorist: "Well, you’re not seeing the whole picture, Cathy! They’ve built a massive underground city, and there are—"
Cathy: (cutting in, deadpan) "Wait, wait—let me get this straight. You’re telling me that there’s a whole underground society, but we still get stuck with bad Wi-Fi signals? Are the people down there not big fans of, you know, connectivity?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "They have technology that’s beyond anything we could imagine—"
Cathy: (nodding as if she’s just been enlightened) "Of course. The Wi-Fi must be so good that it’s simply impossible to get a signal on the surface. How else could they keep such an important secret under wraps? I mean, why else would they design a world inside the Earth? To avoid awkward holiday dinner conversations?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "It’s about power, Cathy! Control of resources, knowledge, and—"
Cathy: (leaning forward, intrigued) "Resources? Wait, so there’s a whole society down there just hoarding things like, I don’t know, the world’s entire stock of luxury cheese and rare spices? What’s the deal with that? Are we talking an underground food network? I can’t imagine that’s an easy thing to hide."
Hollow Earth Theorist: "It’s not about food—it’s about control over the future of humanity. They’ve been planning this for centuries!"
Cathy: (incredulous, sarcastic) "Right, so this whole ‘advanced civilisation’ just sat there while we blundered through history—no one thought to come up and say, ‘Hey, maybe the whole ‘flat Earth’ thing is a bad idea’? Are they, like, a super advanced race but still kinda behind on global communication?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "No, they’ve been monitoring everything from below the surface—"
Cathy: (interrupting, wide-eyed) "Oh, I see! The classic move. Like a sort of ‘Earth’s Got Talent’ competition where the best contestants are the ones who don’t bother interacting with the surface world. I mean, why bother when you can just watch us from below and send in an occasional UFO for dramatic effect?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "Exactly! They’re watching us, guiding us, without us even knowing."
Cathy: (staring blankly for a moment) "You know, I’m starting to get it now. It’s all so clear. So Hitler, the one with the UFO? Was he, like, taking the scenic route to join them? Or was it a VIP entrance?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "Well, yes, Hitler escaped into the Hollow Earth—"
Cathy: (cutting in, as if she’s really piecing it together) "Ah, there we go. Just the casual UFO exit. ‘You’re the leader of a war-torn country, but why not pop into a secret underground city for some R&R?’ Was there a membership fee, or is that like a hidden ‘perk’?"
Cathy: (leaning back, tapping her pen thoughtfully) "So, Hitler took a little detour into the Hollow Earth. Was this, like, a surprise getaway? Was he the only one who knew about the underground VIP club, or were there other major historical figures quietly slipping down there for a little ‘me time’?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "Well, no, it’s not just Hitler. There have been many—"
Cathy: (interrupting, suddenly very serious) "Wait. Wait. Are you saying that, like, other world leaders—maybe even some current ones—are just hanging out in this hidden city, sipping tea and sharing trade secrets with giant subterranean lizards?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "No, no, it’s not like that. But it’s possible some of them have made contact with the underground civilisation, learned their ways, and—"
Cathy: (cutting in, eyebrows raised) "Lizards, right. So, these underground dwellers are also lizards? Are they, like, living in their own version of the Land Before Time down there, just chilling with dinosaurs and practicing Tai Chi?" (pauses for effect) "Or are they, you know, more like the good kind of lizards—like, the kind that help with pest control, not the ‘we rule the world from the shadows’ kind?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "Well, I mean—"
Cathy: (faux sincere) "Look, I don’t want to sound judgmental, but this underground lizard thing is starting to sound a little like a cult. Do they make you wear robes? Do you get a membership card? Or is the only initiation process just, like, an underground tunnel maze?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: (nervously) "It’s not a cult. They’ve been living there for centuries, influencing world events from the shadows—"
Cathy: (eyes narrowing, holding up a finger) "Influencing world events, you say? You mean, like, that time they made sure no one noticed the moon landing, or when they subtly added more glitter to the Kardashians’ Instagram filters?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "No, no, it’s much more serious than that! They control everything!"
Cathy: (pauses, feigning horror) "They control everything? So, like, every time I’ve had a really bad day at work, it was all part of their master plan? Are they somehow orchestrating my entire life based on my Tuesday mood? Do they know my deepest fears—like how I can’t stand when people chew loudly or when the Wi-Fi drops at the worst possible time?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "Well, maybe not that—"
Cathy: (interrupting, matter-of-fact) "Right. So the lizard overlords didn’t engineer my Wi-Fi issues. I can sleep easier now. But just to double-check: Hitler, UFOs, and the underground cities all really happen to exist in this hollow world you’ve described? Or is this, like, a really niche fanfiction someone made up and you just got way too into it?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: (exasperated) "This is real, Cathy! This is the truth you’re too scared to accept!"
Cathy: (smiling slyly) "Oh, don’t worry. I’m not scared. I mean, as long as there’s no mandatory reptilian yoga class or extreme subterranean cartography involved, I think I’m okay. But, seriously, let’s say this underground utopia is real. Why haven’t they come to the surface yet? I mean, they’ve been 'watching us' for centuries, and all they’ve done is just avoid our messiest debates about pineapple on pizza?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "They’ve been biding their time—waiting for the right moment to reveal themselves!"
Cathy: (eyes wide, as if a lightbulb has gone off) "Ah! Got it! So, they’re just waiting for the perfect moment, like every superhero movie ever made. But, just between us, I’d have been really disappointed if they finally emerged and were, like, really bad at socialising. Imagine the awkward small talk at their ‘coming out’ party: ‘So, how was your millennia of isolation? Still into, uh, ‘reptilian art’?’"
Cathy: (leaning forward, grinning) "Alright, so they’re watching us, they’ve got UFOs, and they’ve been underground for centuries. But let me ask you this: If they’re so advanced, so technologically superior, why haven’t they just, I don’t know, solved a few problems for us? Like, global warming, or maybe inventing a shampoo that doesn’t leave that weird residue?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "They’re waiting for the right time to reveal themselves. They don’t want to interfere too much. They’ve been guiding humanity subtly."
Cathy: (mockingly slow nod) "Right, right. They don’t want to interfere. I mean, why bother fixing climate change when you could just, I don’t know, send messages from below? I guess we’ll just wait for them to roll out their master plan—maybe next week, they’ll tell us how to make sense of cryptocurrency, huh?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: "It’s not that simple. They’ve been moving in the shadows, directing history—"
Cathy: (cutting in with exaggerated confusion) "History, sure. History. Like how they guided the fall of the Roman Empire, right? Or maybe they were the ones who invented TikTok dances. How long have they been working on that? A few hundred years? Because that would be so advanced, I can hardly wait for the next viral trend to be a subterranean lizard rave."
Hollow Earth Theorist: "No, they’ve had a much more serious role—"
Cathy: (leaning back, giving a big grin) "Of course, of course. My mistake. Clearly, I’ve underestimated the power of their underground underground party scene. Who needs a surface world when you’ve got secret lizard rave clubs beneath the crust of the Earth, huh?"
Hollow Earth Theorist: (sputtering) "This is not a joke! They are guiding us all from below, and one day—"
Cathy: (smiling sweetly) "Right. Well, I’m just glad they’re not too busy, you know, helping humanity. I’m sure it’s really tough to run things from an underground lair while waiting for the ‘right moment’ to make their grand appearance. It must be like a super exclusive club, only, you know, with less sunlight and a lot more lizard conspiracy theories."
Cathy: (pauses, holding her pen dramatically) "And that, folks, is where we leave you—at the intersection of high drama and very low Earth."
