Scene: A dimly lit cave. Reg, Stan (Loretta), and Judith sit at a rickety table, planning their next futile rebellion against the Roman Empire. A figure in skinny tunic jeans, a scarf, and a man-bun enters, holding a latte made from some obscure grain.
Reg: (Looks up from a scroll) “Who’s this, then?”
Hipster: (Adjusting his ethically sourced glasses) “Hey. I’m River. They/them. I’m here to join your revolution, yeah? Just vibing with your struggle against the colonialist hegemony of Rome.”
Judith: (Excitedly) “Oh, yes! Another comrade! Welcome to the People’s Front of Judea!”
Reg: “Wait, hang on, hang on. We don’t just let anyone in, right? What exactly do you bring to the struggle?”
Hipster: “Oh, loads! I’ve been organising sustainable pottery workshops to raise awareness about imperialist oppression through artisanal mugs.”
Stan/Loretta: “That sounds... lovely, actually.”
Reg: “Lovely?! How’s a bloody mug supposed to overthrow the Roman Empire?”
Hipster: “It’s not about overthrowing, man. It’s about fostering a discourse. You can’t dismantle systems of oppression without creating spaces for dialogue. The mugs are a metaphor.”
Reg: (Squinting) “A metaphor for what?”
Hipster: “Like... resistance, obviously.”
Judith: “Oh, that’s deep.”
Reg: (Rolls eyes) “Right. And what about actual fighting? You know, the bit where we overthrow the Romans.”
Hipster: (Scoffing) “Fighting? Wow, that’s such a toxic patriarchal mindset. I’m more into peaceful disruption. Like, last week I staged a sit-in at the Roman aqueduct.”
Stan/Loretta: “That’s brave.”
Reg: “What d’you do? Block the water?”
Hipster: “No, I handed out pamphlets. On papyrus sourced from non-colonised regions, of course.”
Reg: (Exasperated) “Pamphlets?! The Romans were probably too busy washing their arses in the aqueduct to notice!”
Hipster: (Sipping latte) “Wow, okay. You’re clearly not ready to decolonise your internalised oppression.”
Judith: “Reg, maybe we need fresh perspectives in the movement!”
Reg: “Fresh perspectives?! We’re trying to overthrow the bloody Romans, not start a bloody knitting circle!”
Hipster: (Smirking) “Knitting, huh? Interesting. Have you considered making banners using organic wool? Messages of resistance are way more impactful when they’re biodegradable.”
Reg: (Losing it) “That’s it. I’ve had enough of this woke rubbish! Go and join the Judean People’s Front if you want to hand out bloody pamphlets. Or worse—the bloody Romans! At least they get things done!”
Hipster: (Shrugs, unfazed) “Wow, gatekeeping much? Maybe I will. They’ve got great public baths, and honestly, their architecture slaps.”
Judith: “Wait! Don’t go!”
Hipster: (Turning to leave) “Nah, this isn’t the vibe. You’re too... toxic. Call me when you’re ready to embrace non-hierarchical revolution. Peace.” (Exits, leaving everyone stunned.)
Reg: (After a long pause) “Bloody hell. I miss the days when people just wanted to throw stones.”
Cue dramatic sighs and a painfully awkward silence.
