Odysseus: (Frustrated, staring at the instructions) This is ridiculous! “Step 1: Place tail plank”—what the hell is a tail plank? Why can’t they just say “attach the back” like normal people?
Achilles: (Squinting at the instructions) “Hästsadel”. That’s... a saddle. Why does the horse need a saddle? It doesn’t even have riders yet!
Odysseus: This isn’t a saddle, it’s part of the horse’s back! It’s... it’s... no, wait. This is clearly not a horse! This is an elaborate prank.
Achilles: No, Odysseus, it’s definitely a horse. The box clearly says "Trojan Horse" on the side. And also, “Warning: Assembly required. Some parts may be missing.”
Odysseus: (Yelling into the flatpack) Missing?! Missing parts?! We’re building an invasion here, not a coffee table! Where are the screws? All I’ve got are these tiny things that don’t even fit into the wood!
Ajax: (Grabbing a plank and aggressively shoving it into the side of the horse) This doesn’t make sense! These planks don’t even line up. Why are there so many pieces?! This is supposed to be a horse, not a three-bedroom flat!
Odysseus: (Tugging at his hair in frustration) There are more parts in here than a goddamn chariot! Who in their right mind needs this many wood pieces for a horse?
Achilles: (Trying to force two pieces together, making an exaggerated grunting sound) Hold on, I think this fits.
Odysseus: (Pacing) No, Achilles, that’s the tail from the other side of the horse! And that’s not where it goes!
Achilles: Well, it’s clearly part of the horse! You can’t build a horse without a tail, right?
Odysseus: You can, if you stop treating it like a magical furniture project! Look, the instructions say it should have four legs—why does it have eight planks labelled “legs”? It’s not an octopus!
Diomedes: (Inspecting the Allen key, confused) There’s one screw that looks like it’s meant for a bedframe, but... this one’s round? How is that supposed to fit into the horse?! None of these fit! Are we building a horse or a furniture disaster?
Odysseus: (Lifting his arms in exasperation) I don’t know. I’m going to lose my mind over this. Just get the damn legs on, and let’s make this thing look like a horse! Maybe we’ll get lucky and the Trojans won’t notice the giant Made in Ithaca sticker on the side.
Achilles: (Realising something horrifying) Wait... do you think we’re... supposed to assemble it inside the city? Because we’re not fitting this thing through those gates.
Odysseus: (Falling to his knees in despair) What? What do you mean? There’s no way we’re moving this after it’s built!
Ajax: (With a sudden thought) Do we... do we have the right type of screws? Because... I don’t think this is the right model.
Odysseus: (In a near panic) Wrong model?! What do you mean “wrong model,” Ajax?! The box clearly says “Trojan Horse”... it didn’t say “Trojan Horse for advanced builders who are qualified in carpentry”!
Achilles: (Shrugging) I mean, if the Trojans do come out to check it out, maybe we can just pretend it's a gift from the gods? Like, “Oops, we got distracted by the instructions. Here, enjoy your horse!”
Odysseus: (Horrified) I am not faking a gift from the gods! I’ll burn this thing down before I let them think we’ve got this under control.
(A beat of silence. Everyone looks at each other, realising they’ve gotten nowhere.)
Odysseus: Fine. Screw it. Just pile the pieces inside. If the Trojans come, we’ll just sit inside, act like it’s a party gift, and tell them the rest of the assembly will be done when we’ve “earned” their trust.
Achilles: (Grinning as he grabs some of the pieces) Yeah, like they’ll ever know the difference. Meanwhile, we’ll be in there, popping open some wine and pretending we’re on vacation.
Odysseus: (Pauses, looking at the chaotic jumble of wood) Okay... maybe this was the plan all along. Let’s just hope they don’t ask about the missing screws when they start taking it apart.
(The Greek soldiers begin shuffling inside the half-assembled horse, tripping over stray planks as they go.)
Odysseus: (Muttering to himself as he steps in) Maybe we should just... maybe... borrow a few more pieces from the other side of the camp?
(Scene ends with the Greek army awkwardly crammed inside the horse, surrounded by confusion, broken pieces, and a lot of very questionable assembly decisions.)
End Scene
