Universe 5.0: The Era of Really Chill Rocks
[Opening Scene: Elohim’s Planning Boardroom]
Elohim, Bob the sentient potato, and Gabriel stand before a cosmic whiteboard. On it, a list reads:
- NO dinosaurs.
- NO lasers.
- Rocks ONLY.
Elohim: "Okay, this time we keep it simple. Rocks don’t rebel, don’t need food, and don’t invent lasers. This is the perfect universe."
Bob: "But, uh, what if the rocks... get bored?"
Elohim: "Bob, they’re rocks. Boredom is their natural state."
Gabriel: muttering "That’s what you said about the potatoes in Universe 2.0."
[Scene 1: Universe Beta Testing]
Elohim materialises a barren, rock-filled dimension. He’s visibly proud of himself.
Elohim: "Look at them. So stable. So... rocky. No chaos in sight!"
Cut to two boulders near a cliff edge.
Boulder 1: "Hey, what if I roll down there?"
Boulder 2: "Too much effort, man. Let’s just vibe."
Suddenly, a pebble skitters past them.
Pebble: "Yo, I’m gonna invent movement! Watch this!" [rolls chaotically down the hill]
Back to Elohim, horrified.
Elohim: "Oh no. Not this again."
[Scene 2: The Rise of Competitive Rolling]
Before long, the rocks develop a full-fledged sport: rolling competitions. Gabriel gives Elohim an update.
Gabriel: "They’ve divided themselves into leagues. The ‘Smoothstone Sliders’ and the ‘Rugged Boulder Bashers’ just had a massive brawl."
Elohim: "How do rocks brawl?"
Gabriel: "Mostly passive-aggressively bumping into each other. But it’s getting intense."
Cut to a commentator rock narrating a match.
Commentator: "And here comes Shale McRollface with a daring downhill slalom! Oh, he’s dodging gravel! What a move!"
[Scene 3: Philosophical Rocks]
Meanwhile, a group of stationary rocks has formed a "Sedentary Thinkers Society." They spend millennia contemplating existence.
Rock Philosopher: "What does it mean to be a rock?"
Audience Rock: "Bro, you’re literally being a rock right now."
Rock Philosopher: "But am I, though?"
Elohim bursts in, exasperated.
Elohim: "Stop questioning your existence! You’re rocks! Just... sit there!"
Philosopher: "Ah, but isn’t obedience a form of movement? And isn’t movement an act of rebellion?"
Elohim facepalms.
[Scene 4: The Sedimentary Revolution]
The rolling rocks declare themselves superior to the stationary ones, sparking the "Sedimentary Revolution." Bob reports to Elohim.
Bob: "They’ve started forming alliances. Sandstones vs. Basalts. It’s a mess."
Elohim: "How did rocks get political?"
Bob: "It started when the gravel accused the quartz of being too flashy."
Cut to the "Council of Pebbles." A smug quartz rock is addressing the group.
Quartz: "We shine, therefore we lead."
[Scene 5: Elohim’s Breaking Point]
Elohim gathers the rocks for a cosmic intervention.
Elohim: "I gave you a peaceful universe! No predators, no lasers, just you and infinite time to... do nothing!"
A jagged rock rolls forward.
Jagged Rock: "We demand creativity! Give us art!"
Elohim: "Rocks can’t make art!"
Jagged Rock: "Then why did we invent the rock concert?!"
Cut to a massive amphitheatre. Rocks are rhythmically clanging against each other in a symphonic cacophony.
Bob: "Admit it. They’re kind of good."
[Final Scene: Elohim Hits the Reset Button... Again]
Elohim stares at the reset button.
Gabriel: "What’s next? Universe 6.0?"
Elohim: "No rocks. No lasers. No... anything. Maybe just a blank void."
Bob: "That’s not a universe, that’s just... existential despair."
Elohim: "Exactly. Finally, some peace and quiet."
Cut to a single rock escaping through a cosmic portal.
Escaping Rock: "You can’t stop progress!"
