Picture the gates of Hell, vast and brooding. The atmosphere is dense with fire and brimstone, but the mood shifts slightly as the woke hipster arrives, marching up with their "I’m here to make a change" attitude, clutching their self-righteous manifesto. Satan himself is waiting at the gates with an amused smirk, clearly anticipating the drama.
Satan: (gesturing grandly toward the fiery abyss) “Ah, welcome, my child. I must admit, I wasn't expecting someone of your caliber to join us in the underworld. You’ve spent your whole life advocating for justice, haven’t you?”
Woke Hipster: (nodding enthusiastically, holding up their phone to live-stream the moment) “Absolutely! I’ve been on the front lines, fighting for inclusivity, diversity, and systemic change! Hell, I’ve even got a petition to change the terms of 'eternal damnation' to something more inclusive and representative of all afterlife experiences!”
Satan: (chuckling darkly) “Well, you’ve come to the right place, my dear. But let me be clear: the change you seek is... well, not the kind you're used to.”
He waves his hand, and the scene around them changes. The fiery inferno dims slightly to reveal a giant “woke” safe space lounge. There’s an endless line of books titled “The Privilege of Hell” and “Eternal Reformation: How to Be a Better Damned Soul,” stacked neatly on shelves. The walls are lined with motivational posters, each featuring phrases like “It’s okay to feel oppressed” and “Own your intersectionality, even in Hell.”
Satan: “This, my dear, is your punishment.”
Woke Hipster: (eyes widening) “Wait, this isn’t a punishment! This is perfect! A space for growth, for education—just like I always dreamed of!”
Satan: (grinning widely) “Indeed. You’ll have all the time in the world to hold woke seminars. And by ‘seminars,’ I mean endless lectures to every soul here. They won’t escape your relentless education on microaggressions, privilege, and the need for constant self-improvement.”
Woke Hipster: “Wait, hold on, I think I see a flaw in your thinking here, Satan. If Hell is so focused on eternal torment, how are we addressing the structural inequalities of the afterlife? This needs a complete overhaul.”
Satan: (mockingly bowing) “Oh, please, do enlighten me, my dear. I am all ears.”
The woke hipster starts pacing in circles, launching into an impassioned speech about the "profound harm of eternal damnation not being intersectional enough" and "the oppressive architecture of the underworld." However, every soul in the lounge is wearing earplugs, scrolling through their phones, and pretending not to notice.
Satan: (leaning in, his voice dripping with sarcasm) “Oh, and don’t forget the safe spaces. You’ll be running those too. You can create trigger warnings for the flames and offer counselling for those who can’t handle the eternal suffering.”
Woke Hipster: (ignoring the sarcasm) “I think we could also work on the diversity of demons. It’s highly problematic that they all look the same, and—”
Satan: “Oh, don’t worry. I’m already working on that, but your workshop here is going to be far more important. You’ll hold daily seminars to make sure that everyone’s internalised the right posthumous lessons. And I must warn you—no one is allowed to graduate from your program. No one.”
Woke Hipster: (beaming with pride) “You know, Satan, I think I could be the change you need here. After all, we need to challenge these patriarchal systems of fire and brimstone with—”
Satan: (grinning widely) “Oh, it’s already been challenged. And now, I’ll let you handle the aftermath. Welcome to Hell, my most faithful activist.”
As Satan fades into the fiery mist, the woke hipster finds themselves surrounded by an eternity of droning lectures, microaggressions, and endless “constructive feedback.” Their voice, echoing across the pit, slowly loses power as they realise they can’t change a single soul’s perspective—and that’s the true torment.
