Scene: The PFJ cave. Reg, Judith, and Stan (Loretta) sit around the table planning their next leaflet campaign. A bright, neon glow illuminates the entrance, and a figure steps in, holding a ring light and wearing a toga with designer sandals.
Influencer: “Heyyyyy, guys! OMG, this cave has, like, the best lighting! Perfect for a revolution aesthetic. Do you mind if I go live? This is gonna be huge for my brand!”
Reg: (Looking confused) “Your... brand? Who are you?”
Influencer: “I’m Ashlynn Z! Thought leader, wellness guru, and advocate for #RevolutionaryVibes. I’ve got, like, 200,000 followers, and they are obsessed with dismantling the patriarchy. So, naturally, I’m here to join the People’s Front of Judea!”
Judith: “Well, that’s... good, I suppose. Do you have any experience with revolutionary movements?”
Ashlynn: “Totally! Last week, I posted a reel about how sandals are a symbol of oppression because, like, they keep your feet confined, you know? It got 50,000 likes and started a whole hashtag: #FreeTheToes.”
Reg: (Frowning) “That’s not exactly what we’re about. We’re fighting Roman imperialism, not launching a sandal liberation movement.”
Ashlynn: “But aren’t sandals, like, a metaphor for imperialism? Constraining freedom, keeping people in their place... I mean, the Romans wear sandals, so it’s all connected, right? Hold on...” (Pulls out phone and starts typing) “#SandalsOfOppression. That’s genius!”
Stan/Loretta: “Do you have any actual skills? You know, something practical for overthrowing the Romans?”
Ashlynn: “Of course! I’m amazing at branding. Like, your vibe is soooo outdated. ‘People’s Front of Judea’? It’s giving ‘old scroll energy.’ You need something fresh, something that pops—like ‘Judea Liberation Collective’ or ‘RomanCancelNation.’”
Judith: “RomanCancelNation?”
Ashlynn: “Yeah! It’s all about cancelling oppressors. Imagine the merch: toga crop tops with your logo, sandals with empowering slogans like ‘Step on the Patriarchy.’ I could even launch a collab with an artisan potter—#ClayAgainstColonialism.”
Reg: (Furious) “We don’t need merchandise! We need people committed to the cause!”
Ashlynn: “Oh, I’m committed! I even brought my own protest signs. Check this out: ‘Imperialism = Ick.’ Simple, catchy, and so shareable. And this one: ‘Romans Aren’t Slay.’”
Stan/Loretta: (Whispering to Judith) “What does ‘slay’ mean?”
Judith: “I think it means they’re bad?”
Ashlynn: “Exactly! You get it, babe. You’d totally crush it as an influencer.”
Reg: “This is absurd. We’re talking about actual resistance, risking our lives, not posting hashtags!”
Ashlynn: “Whoa, Reg. No need to get negative. Negativity is, like, a total vibe-killer for the movement. Also, can I just say? You’d look amazing with a little bronzer. Really accentuate the revolutionary cheekbones.”
Reg: (Throws up his hands) “This is hopeless! Judith, deal with her.”
Judith: (Kindly) “Ashlynn, this might not be the right place for you. Revolution is... messy. Dangerous. You can’t just curate it.”
Ashlynn: “Oh, I can totally curate it! Danger is so on-trend right now. I’ll caption my next post, ‘Revolutionary Chic: How to Overthrow Empires in Style.’ My followers will eat it up!”
Stan/Loretta: “She’s not wrong. People do like sandals.”
Ashlynn: “See? Loretta gets it. By the way, love the commitment to the name. Super brave.”
Reg: (Explodes) “That’s it! Get out! Take your hashtags and your ring light and go... disrupt the aqueducts or something!”
Ashlynn: “Disrupt the aqueducts? Ooh, edgy! I’m totally naming my next pottery class that. Byeee!” (Waves and sashays out, muttering about lighting angles.)
Judith: “Well, that was... exhausting.”
Stan/Loretta: “Do you think she’ll come back?”
Reg: (Slumping in his chair) “God, I hope not.”
Cut to: Ashlynn live-streaming herself in front of an aqueduct, holding a chisel and saying, “Smash imperialism, one brick at a time! Like, comment, and subscribe for more revolutionary content!”
