Scene: The Tower of Babel - Meeting the Bureaucratic Obstacles
Nimrod: "Finally, the foundations are laid, and the heavens await us!"
Foreman: "Uh, not quite, boss. We’ve just received a Cease-and-Desist from the Inter-Tribal Unity Council. Apparently, some of the tribes are complaining about workplace discrimination."
Nimrod: "Discrimination? We’re all equally united under one glorious purpose!"
Foreman: "Sure, but they say the Akkadians are hogging all the cushy marble-cutting jobs while the Sumerians are stuck lugging bricks uphill."
Nimrod: "Fine, rotate the tasks! Let’s move on!"
Inspector: [Strolling in with a clipboard] "Before you move on, you’ll need to address your Linguistic Coherence Plan. What happens if one worker says ‘brick’ but another hears ‘fish’? It’s a Health and Safety disaster waiting to happen."
Nimrod: "What in the name of all the gods does that mean?!"
Inspector: "Well, Mr. Nimrod, it means I can’t sign off on this project until every tribe passes mandatory language training. You’ll find the list of certified Babel Linguistic Tutors attached."
Foreman: [Looking at the list] "These fees are outrageous! Also, half of them specialise in divine dialects—‘Celestial Esperanto’?"
Translator: "Good luck with that. I’ve been stuck in focus groups for weeks trying to standardise ‘brick’ into a single proto-language. But no, everyone insists on preserving their ‘sacred cultural nuances.’"
Nimrod: "Enough! We’ll build regardless!"
Enter Urban Planner: [Holding an abacus and scowling]
Urban Planner: "Oh, you think you’ll just build a multi-hectare, deity-desecrating megastructure? Not with that inadequate zoning permit, you won’t. This land is designated for low-altitude grazing and bird migration corridors."
Nimrod: "We’re building for humanity’s destiny! Surely the gods won’t mind a few inconvenienced pigeons!"
Urban Planner: "I don’t write the rules. Well, I do, but that’s beside the point. You’ll need to complete Form 747-M, the ‘Sky-View Obstruction Impact Study,’ before breaking another brick. And there’s the offering tax."
Nimrod: "Offering tax?! Are we expected to bribe the gods?"
Urban Planner: "Of course not! That would be unethical. It’s a ‘divine consultation fee.’ They’re technically subcontractors."
Construction Worker: [Storming up, covered in dust] "Boss, we’ve got another problem. The Bureau of Divine Oversight says our tower height violates their Celestial Privacy Act."
Nimrod: "Privacy?! For the heavens?!"
Worker: "Yup. Apparently, we’re building too close to God’s Window. They’re worried we’ll peek in during His off hours."
Nimrod: [Fuming] "How many layers of red tape does it take to build one tower?!"
Inspector: "Depends. Did you file the Babel Noise Compliance Report? Thunderstorms will have to be muted in your construction zone."
Translator: "And good luck getting everyone to agree on that language. So far, we have six words for ‘mute’ and seven for ‘thunder.’"
Nimrod: [Sinking onto a pile of bricks] "By the gods, I just wanted to unify humanity under one roof."
Inspector: "Oh, roofs are a whole separate permit."
Urban Planner: "Don’t worry, you’ve got eternity to sort it out... unless your workers revolt first."
Construction Worker: "We already did. We’re unionising. Our motto? ‘Less Babel, More Pay.’"
Nimrod: [Holding his head in his hands] "Right, let’s regroup. What’s left to address? Surely, we’ve conquered all the red tape by now!"
Foreman: [Flipping through a stack of scrolls] "Uh… about that. There’s a new complaint from the Babel Environmental Authority."
Nimrod: "Let me guess. The bricks are upsetting the delicate ecosystem of the Dust Plains?"
Foreman: "No, the tar used for mortar is deemed a Class-3 ‘Cosmic Contaminant.’ Apparently, it might seep into the sacred aquifer and give the camels vertigo."
Nimrod: "How do camels even get vertigo?! They’re already 80% neck!"
Environmental Officer: [Entering with a stern expression] "Vertigo isn’t the point. The gods have declared that no tar-based materials can be used within 50 cubits of sacred sands. You’ll need to switch to an eco-friendly adhesive. Have you tried divine sap?"
Foreman: "Divine sap costs more than gold and takes 40 years to harvest."
Environmental Officer: "Well, maybe you shouldn’t have started a megaproject without reading the Universal Eco-Mandates."
Translator: [Bursting into the scene with more scrolls] "We’ve hit a snag with the Linguistic Coherence Plan!"
Nimrod: "Don’t tell me…"
Translator: "Turns out, some tribes refuse to standardise on basic construction terms. The Elamites are insisting ‘ladder’ should mean ‘pointy tree,’ while the Amorites now claim they don’t believe in nouns."
Nimrod: [Screaming into the heavens] "WHY DO I EVEN TRY?!"
Inspector: "Don’t shout, Nimrod. That violates the Tower Noise Ordinance. I’ve already issued you a warning scroll for excessive yelling."
Enter Fire Marshal: [Clutching a clay tablet and a torch]
Fire Marshal: "I’ve reviewed your Fire Safety Plan. It’s a disaster."
Nimrod: "Fire Safety Plan? We’re building a tower, not a forge!"
Fire Marshal: "Well, when you pack thousands of multilingual workers into a confined vertical space, the risk of ‘Divine Conflagration’ skyrockets. You’ll need at least one flaming chariot exit per floor."
Foreman: "Flaming chariots?! Where are we supposed to get those?"
Fire Marshal: "That’s not my problem. Also, you’re three cubits short on your emergency staircase width."
Nimrod: "We don’t even HAVE staircases yet!"
Fire Marshal: "Exactly. Add that to the list."
Urban Planner: [Returning with yet another scroll] "And while you’re at it, the Architectural Aesthetics Commission has demanded revisions."
Nimrod: "What now?!"
Urban Planner: "They say the tower’s design is too imposing. It’s giving off… ‘hegemonic vibes.’"
Foreman: "Hegemonic vibes?"
Urban Planner: "Yeah, something about celestial oppression. They’ve requested it be no taller than an acacia tree."
Nimrod: [Banging his head against a brick] "I can’t build a tower to the heavens if it’s shorter than a tree!"
Inspector: "Well, you also forgot the Accessibility Compliance Report. Not everyone can climb ladders, you know."
Foreman: "What’s the alternative?"
Inspector: "I’d suggest ramps. Lots of ramps."
Nimrod: "Ramps? For a tower that’s supposed to touch the sky?!"
Urban Planner: "Exactly. The Gradient God appreciates inclusivity."
Construction Worker: [Running in, exasperated] "Boss, the unions are staging another walkout. They say the gods haven’t approved our Labour Sacrifices."
Nimrod: "Labour Sacrifices?! What do you mean?"
Worker: "Apparently, before the gods let us work, they demand… offerings of gluten-free bread and ethically sourced oxen."
Foreman: "Ethically sourced oxen?! Where are we supposed to find those?"
Worker: "Try the Divine Farmers’ Market. It’s open on full moons."
Nimrod: [Throwing his arms up] "Fine! We’ll buy the oxen, we’ll bake the bread, we’ll even paint the tower pastel pink if it makes everyone happy!"
Inspector: "Pastel pink violates the Sky Alignment Policy. It must be painted celestial beige."
Nimrod: "Celestial beige isn’t even a colour!"
Urban Planner: "It is now. See Section 14B of the revised Divine Style Guide."
Nimrod: [Collapsing onto a pile of eco-friendly bricks] "Why did I ever think uniting humanity was a good idea?"
Worker: "Good news, boss! The gods themselves sent a lightning bolt declaring they’d handle the permits from now on."
Nimrod: "Really?"
Worker: "Bad news: They’re outsourcing it to the Celestial Council for Cloud Management. Turnaround time is estimated at… infinite."
Nimrod: "Well, that’s oddly comforting."
Enter Celestial Lawyers and Divine Accountants
Celestial Lawyer: [Sweeping in with a massive scroll] "Nimrod, I’m afraid we have a problem."
Nimrod: [Muttering through gritted teeth] "Of course we do. What now?"
Celestial Lawyer: "Your claim that this tower is intended to ‘reach the heavens’ has triggered a Class-Alpha Zoning Dispute. The Celestial Realms are classified as divine property, and unauthorised attempts to access them violate the Heavenly Trespass Act of Year Zero."
Nimrod: "Trespass?! It’s a tower, not a siege engine!"
Celestial Lawyer: "Intent is irrelevant. You’re encroaching on airspace designated for cherubs and the occasional thunderbolt. You’ll need a Divine Ascent License before construction can proceed."
Foreman: "How do we apply for that?"
Celestial Lawyer: "First, submit Form HTP-7: ‘Heavenly Tower Permit – Longitudinal Edition,’ along with Form AS-42: ‘Ambition Statement for Heights Exceeding Five Cubits.’ Both require approval by the Archangelic Council."
Nimrod: "How long does that take?"
Celestial Lawyer: "Depends. Did you sacrifice an ethically sourced goat before filing?"
Nimrod: "WHY IS EVERYTHING ABOUT SACRIFICING LIVESTOCK?!"
Divine Accountant: [Strolling in with an abacus made of stars] "Nimrod, I’m here to conduct a Celestial Financial Audit. Your project is… troubling."
Nimrod: "Troubling? It’s a tower!"
Divine Accountant: "Precisely. Towers of this magnitude are subject to the Pillars and Spires Tax, per Subsection 9B of the Divine Infrastructure Code."
Foreman: "Tax? On what basis?"
Divine Accountant: "On the basis that it looks expensive. We’re estimating back taxes on every brick, plus interest."
Nimrod: "We haven’t even finished the first floor!"
Divine Accountant: "Then it’s a good thing I caught this early. You’ll need to submit an Itemised Cosmic Expense Report, complete with offerings for the Taxation Deities."
Celestial Lawyer: [Leaning over to the Divine Accountant] "Did you hear about the ‘tar contamination’ issue?"
Divine Accountant: "I did. They’ll need to pay an Environmental Restoration Fee as well. But at least tar’s cheaper than divine sap."
Foreman: [Mutters] "Not if you factor in the Celestial Sap Duty."
Nimrod: [Looking panicked] "Please, tell me there’s some way we can reduce these costs?"
Divine Accountant: "Well, you could register the Tower as a Religious Monument. That would make it tax-exempt."
Nimrod: "Done! It’s a monument to… unity! And divine cooperation!"
Celestial Lawyer: "Nice try, but you’ll need a Letter of Sanctity from the High Priesthood. And they don’t grant those without… yes, more livestock sacrifices."
Nimrod: "OF COURSE THEY DON’T!"
Worker: [Running in with yet another scroll] "Boss! We’ve got another problem."
Nimrod: [Losing his mind] "What could possibly be worse than divine taxes and legal battles?!"
Worker: "The gods just added a new clause to the Sacred Construction Code. The tower must include… a celestial parking lot."
Foreman: "A parking lot? For what?"
Worker: "Apparently, thunder chariots and divine cloud scooters need a designated space near the base."
Nimrod: "We’re building a tower to the heavens! Where do they think we’re going to fit a parking lot?!"
Urban Planner: [Piping up] "You could build an underground level."
Foreman: "With what budget?!"
Divine Accountant: [Clicking his abacus] "Underground construction will require a Subterranean Interference Fee. And let’s not forget the Lava Flow Insurance."
Nimrod: [Collapsing in a heap] "I should’ve just stuck to hunting. Or maybe pottery."
Celestial Lawyer: [Pats Nimrod on the shoulder] "Cheer up. This isn’t the first project to falter under divine regulations. Have you heard of Icarus & Son’s Wings Inc.?"
Divine Accountant: [Laughing] "Oh, those poor mortals. They couldn’t even afford the Sun Collision Levy."
Nimrod: "Great. So we’re in legendary company."
Worker: [Handing him one last scroll] "Boss, the gods themselves have issued an official proclamation. Do you want me to read it?"
Nimrod: [Sighing] "Why not. Let’s hear it."
Worker: [Clears his throat] "‘Due to mounting bureaucratic inefficiencies and mortals’ inability to file proper paperwork, we hereby decree that all languages shall be scrambled to avoid further collaboration. Love, The Gods.’"
Nimrod: [Throws the scroll in the air] "That’s it. We’re done. Everyone, go home. Start making pottery. Or hunting. Or whatever doesn’t involve divine permits."
Celestial Lawyer: [To the Divine Accountant] "We should really consider franchising this bureaucracy thing. It’s a goldmine."
Divine Accountant: "Agreed. Let’s pitch it to Olympus."
Cue the workers abandoning the project while the Celestial Lawyer and Divine Accountant high-five in the background.
