Scene: Noah stands before the Ark, hammer in hand. A sleek, futuristic screen flickers to life above the Ark's door: "ARKBOARDING.COM."
ArkBoarding.com: "WELCOME TO THE DIVINE BOARDING SYSTEM. PLEASE LOG IN TO SECURE YOUR PASSENGER SLOTS."
Noah: "Log in? What’s that? I have a covenant with the Almighty!"
ArkBoarding.com: "ERROR. ONLY REGISTERED USERS MAY PROCEED. CLICK 'FORGOT PASSWORD' IF YOU REQUIRE ASSISTANCE."
(Noah squints at the screen, muttering under his breath.)
Noah: "Fine. Forgot password."
ArkBoarding.com: "SECURITY QUESTION: WHAT WAS THE NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?"
(Noah stares blankly. After a moment, he types “Goat.” The screen buzzes.)
ArkBoarding.com: "INCORRECT. TRY AGAIN."
Noah: "It was probably a goat..."
(He types “Sheep.” Another buzz.)
ArkBoarding.com: "LOCKED OUT. PLEASE CONTACT CUSTOMER SUPPORT."
(Noah groans and storms off to find his sons.)
(Hours later, Noah finally gains access to the system and begins booking animal pairs.)
ArkBoarding.com: "PLEASE UPLOAD A PHOTO OF EACH ANIMAL. FILES MUST BE LESS THAN 1MB."
(Noah sighs and calls for his sons again.)
Noah: "Ham, bring me the sketchbook!"
(As Noah painstakingly sketches each creature, the app begins rejecting entries.)
ArkBoarding.com: "TIGER PAIR DENIED: MALE IS AN UNREGISTERED SUBSPECIES."
Noah: "They’re both tigers!"
ArkBoarding.com: "PLEASE SUBMIT DNA SAMPLES FOR VERIFICATION."
(Noah yells into the heavens.)
Noah: "Lord, why have You forsaken me with this infernal contraption?"
(Eventually, the animals start arriving. A queue forms, but the system glitches.)
ArkBoarding.com: "LIMIT EXCEEDED. NO MORE ANIMALS CAN BOARD. PLEASE UPGRADE TO 'ARK PLUS' FOR ADDITIONAL STORAGE SPACE."
(The elephants trumpet indignantly as Noah scrambles for a solution.)
Noah: "Shem, fetch the divine credit card!"
(Finally, as the rain begins to pour, the last animals are aboard. Noah attempts to seal the Ark, but the system stops him one last time.)
ArkBoarding.com: "SURVEY REQUIRED. PLEASE RATE YOUR BOARDING EXPERIENCE."
Noah: "ONE STAR!"
(The screen buzzes ominously.)
ArkBoarding.com: "LOW RATINGS MAY AFFECT FUTURE COVENANT PRIVILEGES."
(Noah throws his hands in the air as the floodwaters rise.)
Scene: Noah, standing at the helm of the Ark, staring hopelessly at the glowing screen of ArkBoarding.com as the storm clouds gather overhead.
ArkBoarding.com: "ERROR: DUE TO UNUSUAL WEATHER CONDITIONS, YOUR CREATION OF THE ARK IS TEMPORARILY BLOCKED. PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER."
Noah: "Unusual weather conditions? You don’t know what unusual weather is!"
(Thunder crashes ominously. Noah glares at the screen, hands shaking with frustration.)
Noah: "I’m just trying to get the animals onboard, you blasted system! The flood is coming!"
ArkBoarding.com: "PLEASE VERIFY THE FOLLOWING: HAS THE EARTH BEEN FLOODED? (YES/NO)"
Noah: "Well, no, not yet—but it’s about to be!"
(Noah hastily types ‘YES,’ hoping that will bypass the system’s delays. The screen flashes.)
ArkBoarding.com: "INVALID RESPONSE. PLEASE REFLECT ON THE EXISTENCE OF FLOODWATERS BEFORE PROCEEDING."
(The rain begins to fall in torrents. The animals start looking concerned.)
(Noah scrambles to read the Terms and Conditions, desperately scrolling through pages of legal jargon.)
Noah: "WHY ARE THERE TERMS AND CONDITIONS? I BUILT THE BLOODY ARK, AND NOW I’M READING THIS?!"
ArkBoarding.com: "BY CLICKING 'ACCEPT,' YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THE WORLD WILL END IF THE CREATION IS NOT APPROVED."
Noah: "Oh, for the love of—"
(Suddenly, a notification pops up on the screen.)
ArkBoarding.com: "URGENT: DUE TO HIGH DEMAND, THE ARK HAS REACHED CAPACITY. PLEASE REMOVE ANIMAL PAIRS TO MAKE ROOM FOR OTHERS."
Noah: "WHAT? NO, THE ANIMALS ALL HAVE TO BE HERE! THEY’RE ALL COMING!"
(The giraffes are looking up at him, clearly worried about being left behind.)
ArkBoarding.com: "REMINDER: CERTAIN SPECIES MAY BE EXCLUDED IF THEY FAIL TO MEET CARGO LIMITS."
(Noah, now fully panicked, grabs his sons by the arms.)
Noah: "We need to clear some space on the Ark. Move the goats and the chickens! Delete them from the list!"
(Shem, Ham, and Japheth try to figure out which animals to delete on the app, but it’s like navigating an ancient forest with no GPS.)
Shem: "Do we need all the mosquitoes?"
Ham: "Noah, there’s no way to ‘unselect’ animals. It says ‘only two options are allowed.’"
(Meanwhile, the rain begins to turn into a full-on deluge. The Ark is half-submerged. Noah is nearing the edge.)
Noah: "I CAN’T EVEN CHOOSE BETWEEN THE CATS AND THE LIONS! THEY’RE BOTH CARNIVORES—IS THIS REALLY THE TIME FOR THIS?"
(The app, cruelly indifferent to his plight, displays another pop-up.)
ArkBoarding.com: "FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, YOU CAN UPGRADE TO A PREMIUM ACCOUNT. ONLY WITH PREMIUM WILL YOUR CARGO BE ELIGIBLE FOR SAFE FLOOD RESCUE."
Noah: "You’ve got to be kidding me!"
(At this point, Noah feels like he’s been battling an invisible force field more formidable than the flood itself.)
(Desperate, he finally taps "Upgrade to Premium." A confirmation screen appears.)
ArkBoarding.com: "UPGRADE SUCCESSFUL. YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE REFLECTED IN THE NEXT 48 HOURS."
Noah: "48 HOURS?! I don’t have 48 hours! The flood is already here!"
(The waters rise as Noah’s last hope evaporates. He yells in frustration.)
Noah: "You know what? Forget it! The flood’s coming. We’re all going in! No more upgrading, no more selections—let’s just get this done!"
(And with one last, desperate click of the 'Proceed' button, the ArkBoarding system finally lets him seal the doors... but not without another popup.)
ArkBoarding.com: "SURVEY COMPLETE: PLEASE RATE YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH THE DIVINE CREATION BOARDING SYSTEM."
(Noah, drenched in rain, looks up at the sky.)
Noah: "I’ll rate it ONE STAR. ONE STAR."
(He slams the screen off, and the Ark sails into the storm, knowing it’s now just a waiting game until the system glitches out completely.)
