The Flaming Meatball Dodgeball Match: A Hellish Extravaganza
Satan’s backyard erupted into pure pandemonium. The demonic dodgeball court was marked out in sulphurous flames, with flaming meatballs stacked ominously on either side. A massive scoreboard floated in the air, labeled “TEAM GIGGLING MAIDENS” vs. “TEAM COSTANZA AND REGRETS.”
Satan: (standing in the middle with a whistle made of charred bones) “Alright, listen up, sinners and miscreants. The rules are simple: hit someone with a flaming meatball, and they’re out. Dodge, duck, dip, dive, and burn. No whining.”
Frank: (raising his hand) “I’ve got a herniated disc. Can I sit this one out?”
Satan: (laughing and slapping Frank on the back, sending him stumbling forward) “Frank, buddy, you’re already in hell. What’s a little more suffering?”
Frank: “This is your hell, Satan, but my everyday life!”
Estelle grabbed Frank by the collar and dragged him to their side of the court.
Estelle: “Quit complaining and get ready to move! If we lose, it’ll be another thing you’ll never hear the end of!”
The Teams
TEAM GIGGLING MAIDENS: Led by Zoot, the team consisted of her entourage of giggling mischief-makers, Donald the Orangutan (who somehow snuck onto their team despite having the aim of a blindfolded toddler), and Elon the Muskrat (who was tinkering with a prototype dodgeball launcher).
TEAM COSTANZA AND REGRETS: Estelle and Frank were reluctantly joined by Frigidor Dalek (“I SHALL PLAY TO WIN OR EXTERMINATE TRYING”) and a random demon named Gary, who was just happy to be included.
Round One: Chaos Unleashed
The whistle blew, and all hell—quite literally—broke loose. Zoot and her maidens launched flaming meatballs with wild abandon, their giggles echoing across the infernal court.
Zoot: (twirling dramatically as she hurled a meatball) “Take that, you dull mortal souls!”
Estelle ducked just in time, the flaming projectile singing her hair.
Estelle: “Zoot! If you mess up my perm, I’ll personally see to it that you’re demoted to purgatory!”
Meanwhile, Donald the Orangutan grabbed a meatball with both hands, hoisted it over his head, and hurled it in Frank’s direction.
Donald the Orangutan: “Perfect aim! No one throws better than me!”
The meatball landed six feet away, splattering into flames. Frank stared at it in disbelief.
Frank: (yelling at Satan) “Do we get points if they miss so badly it’s embarrassing?!”
Satan: (snickering from the sidelines) “No, Frank, but I’m awarding you bonus suffering for the commentary.”
Round Two: Frigidor Dalek’s Meltdown
Frigidor Dalek, surprisingly agile for a metal casing on wheels, had been dodging meatballs with eerie precision. Finally, he decided to retaliate.
Frigidor Dalek: (voice booming) “EXTERMINATE!”
He extended his plunger arm, launching a flaming meatball at Elon the Muskrat’s launcher. The impact caused Elon’s contraption to misfire, sending a volley of flaming meatballs raining down on his own team.
Elon the Muskrat: (frantically scrambling for cover) “This wasn’t supposed to happen! My calculations were perfect!”
Zoot: (yelping as a meatball grazed her shoulder) “Elon, you buffoon! Stop sabotaging us!”
Round Three: Estelle’s Revenge
Realising her team was lagging behind, Estelle grabbed a flaming meatball, her eyes narrowing with the determination of a woman who had endured decades of Frank’s nonsense.
Estelle: (yelling) “This one’s for every time you left your socks in the sink, Frank!”
She hurled the meatball with surprising force. It sailed across the court in a fiery arc, smacking Donald the Orangutan square in the chest. His suit burst into flames, though he didn’t seem to notice.
Donald the Orangutan: (waving at the crowd) “This is fine! Everyone loves a little drama!”
The crowd erupted into cheers.
Frank: (staring at Estelle, impressed) “Where did that come from?”
Estelle: “I channelled twenty years of rage. Now grab a meatball, Frank, or so help me, I’ll throw you next!”
The Final Showdown
With most of the players eliminated, it came down to Zoot and Estelle. Zoot, giggling uncontrollably, danced across the court with a flaming meatball in each hand. Estelle, her face set with grim determination, grabbed the last meatball on her side.
Zoot: (twirling like a fiery ballerina) “Oh, Estelle, darling, don’t you just love the thrill of the game?”
Estelle: (narrowing her eyes) “I’ll love it more when I wipe that smug smile off your face!”
With a primal scream, Estelle hurled her meatball at Zoot, who deftly dodged and returned fire. The two flaming projectiles collided in midair, exploding into a fiery mushroom cloud that temporarily blinded the entire court.
When the smoke cleared, Zoot and Estelle were both standing, charred but undefeated.
Satan: (blowing his whistle) “It’s a tie! Which means... no one wins, and you’re all staying in hell!”
The crowd groaned, except for Frank, who muttered, “Called it,” under his breath.
As the defeated players limped off the court, Satan clapped his hands together.
Satan: “Well, that was thrilling! Who’s up for next week’s volleyball with severed heads?”
Frank: (throwing his apron to the ground) “I’m not coming back unless there’s air-conditioning!”
And thus, the flaming meatball dodgeball match went down in hellish history, a fiery fiasco of epic proportions.
