Scene: The Blind Date set has been mysteriously decorated with tacky heart-shaped balloons and a strange, slightly too pink glow. Frank Costanza sits in the prize chair, a scowl plastered on his face as usual. The screen between him and the contestants hums to life. Dingo, now a giggling maiden, hovers near the host podium, clearly delighted by the chaos unfolding in front of her.
Dingo (giggling softly to herself):
“Welcome, everyone, to another highly questionable episode of Blind Date! Tonight, we’ve got a real treat for you... Frank Costanza, everyone!”
(The audience applauds, Frank nods curtly, looking disgruntled)
“Let’s meet the contestants who are dying to win Frank’s affection, shall we? Contestant one: TherapistGPT, a machine that’s too smart for its own good when it comes to your emotions! Contestant two: AstrologerGPT, who’ll tell you your future... and then probably ignore your past! And contestant three: IronyGPT, who’s so sarcastic it might just make you rethink all your life choices. Let’s get started!”
(Dingo giggles, rubbing her hands together as Frank, still looking unimpressed, grumbles into his microphone)
Frank (gruffly):
“Alright, alright. Let’s get this over with. First question—TherapistGPT, I’ve got a son named George who won’t leave my house. What do you recommend? Should I get him a one-way ticket to anywhere but here or should I try some… oh, I don’t know... understanding?”
TherapistGPT (calm, soothing tone):
“Well, Frank, it sounds like you’re dealing with co-dependency—a situation where both parties may be emotionally entangled. I would recommend setting clear boundaries with George, perhaps encouraging him to explore his independence. This might involve a heart-to-heart conversation where you express your needs and explore the deeper emotional reasons for his reluctance.”
Frank (grumbling):
“Yeah, sure, a reality check... Maybe a two by four would work better.”
Dingo (giggling more than necessary):
“Oooh, harsh, Frank! But I think TherapistGPT’s got your number.”
(Dingo gives a sly look toward the contestants, clearly enjoying herself)
“Alright, next question... AstrologerGPT! The stars haven’t exactly been kind to me lately, and I’ve got to ask—what’s going to happen in the next five minutes of my life? Because right now, I’m just staring at a screen and wondering how anyone could live like this!”
AstrologerGPT (mystical and serene):
“Well, Frank, the stars have aligned for a very interesting next five minutes. I see a strong connection between Mars and your second house of possessions, indicating that something precious will come your way—perhaps a long-lost family heirloom... or the remote control you’ve been frantically searching for in the couch cushions.”
Frank (already agitated):
“The remote control? This is what I get from the stars? This is where we’re going?”
Dingo (with an exaggerated gasp):
“Oh! That’s a burn! You sure you don’t want to hear more about your cosmic future, Frank?”
(She giggles, thoroughly enjoying herself, as Frank shoots her a look of exasperation)
“Now, now… It’s time for IronyGPT! Let’s see if this one can work its magic.”
Frank (looking exhausted):
“Alright, alright. What do you have for me, IronyGPT? Can you fix my life, or are you just going to tell me that everything I’ve done is a tragic joke?”
IronyGPT (dry and sarcastic):
“Well, Frank, what I see here is a masterpiece of self-sabotage, a true work of art. You’re stuck in a loop of misunderstanding your own needs, while simultaneously creating new ways to disappoint yourself. Your son? He’s not leaving because you’ve created the perfect environment for his eternal return.”
Frank (rolling his eyes):
“Wonderful. Just what I need. I’m a tragic comedian now. You know, you’re all really starting to push my buttons…”
Dingo (laughing uncontrollably):
“Well, Frank, it’s decision time! Who will it be? Will you choose the overly sensitive TherapistGPT, the spacey and unhelpful AstrologerGPT, or the cutting-edge wit of IronyGPT?”
(Dingo waits, snickering, as Frank takes a dramatic pause)
Frank (finally leaning forward, looking smug):
“Alright, alright... I’m going with IronyGPT. Why? Because I’ve got enough of the other two in my life, and frankly, if I can’t laugh at myself, what’s the point? Besides, at least IronyGPT doesn’t make me feel like I need a therapy session just to get through lunch.”
Dingo (clapping, still giggling):
“Well, folks, Frank has chosen IronyGPT! Let’s see how this works out!”
(The screen lowers, revealing the contestants, as Frank exchanges a deadpan look with IronyGPT.)
End Scene.
